The Story of Our Lives

My Dad recently asked me the question, “How much do you know about your grandparents?”  I thought for a few minutes and answered honestly, “Some.”  My Dad sighed and responded, “There are some stories that I am the only one that knows them.”  This exchange made me think – how much do my children know about their grandparents?  How about my grandparents?  Oddly enough…about their own parents’ stories from before they were born?

I had the unique opportunity to know my four grandparents.  That ended at the age of fifteen, when I lost both of my grandmothers within a year.  I do have memories of them and remember some of the stories from their lives.  I remember a few more stories as told by my maternal grandmother, as it seemed she was also still finding family members.  My maternal grandfather had a bad stroke shortly after she died and remained homebound and needed help the remainder of his life.  He was a good storyteller and came from a large colorful family.  But once he was sick, his speech also suffered.  My paternal grandfather, the only grandparent Debbie met, died just after Rebecca was born, which meant that I had the opportunity to have an adult relationship with him.  Naturally, as of today, I know most about his growing up poor in Europe, moving to America in 1920, his many jobs and his life in general (he lived the American dream). 

Most of what my children know of my grandparents comes from me.  As with most oral histories, the actual stories begin to get diluted, some of the holes in the stories get replaced (sometime consciously, sometimes not) and stories transform into legendary tales or family folklore.  All of us grow up hearing them and we all try to pass our favorite stories on.  In my house, some of the legendary tales my brothers and I always laughed at are greeted with blank stares from my girls followed by the question, “Why would you know that?”  And generally speaking, the stories about myself, while told in all seriousness, cause them to laugh at me, and keep getting recycled (always at my expense).  For example, I shared that my parents taught us how to dance for my Bar Mitzvah, specifically the Waltz.  That has given them hours of endless laughter, wondering who else in the world Waltzes in the basement and why is it that the only goofball that did so was their father (my brothers conveniently do not remember this).

I realized that the stories, however they remember them, are the stories that they will carry with them and become the tales that they will tell.  I remember my grandfather relating a scary story from the mid-1920’s.  He and a few friends were out driving in a car when the car got slammed into on the side by another car.  At that point in time, the cars were not made heavy duty like today and split in half, the front going in one direction and the back going in another.  As they got out of the car, the drivers of the other car were gangsters of some sort and the threat they gave buried any further action.  To this day, I only have the image of the car breaking in half and going in two different directions like a cartoon and I am laughing while typing.  I asked my dad to fill in the blanks.  He remembered the friend’s name (Sam Katz), he laughed and was fuzzy on the rest of the story.

These are the stories of my life; I am sure my girls will pass on the stories that made them laugh, taught them a lesson or inspired them. 

Sunrise Day Camp, It’s the Best Camp!

Hi everyone!   For a little change, I am writing this week’s blog!  I hope you enjoy it! 

-Gabrielle

The Sunrise Association is the first company to have a day camp that is free of charge for kids with cancer and their siblings.  Throughout the east coast and Israel, there are currently 8 campgrounds. During the year, The Sunrise Association does Sunrise on Wheels, which is when people from Sunrise go into hospitals to hang out and play with kids who are cancer patients.  There are also fundraisers throughout the year to raise money for the association. 

The main jobs of the counselors are to make sure that the kids are safe and that they have fun. Staff members make sure that everything is wiped down and that campers always use hand sanitizer in-between and during activities. Without the amazing staff members, the camp would not be as great.  They always make sure that campers are being included and are given the opportunity to be kids.  The biggest goal of camp is for it to be camp and to give the kids the chance for a normal experience.

For the past 3 summers, I have been fortunate enough to work as the Music Specialist at Sunrise Day Camp in Pearl River. We sing, play musical games, and play on the Music Garden that has been donated to the camp.  While at camp, there are many activities to do other than music.  Campers get to play sports, go rock climbing, go boating, play minigolf, dance, go swimming, do yoga, do drama, create art, and make lanyards.  While these are normal camp activities, these campers are special and would not be able to have this opportunity.  Our camp gives children with cancer and their siblings an opportunity to attend summer camp in a safe, caring environment.

I have met so many counselors and campers who have shown me to live each day to the fullest.  You never know where life will take you, so it is important to live every day as best as you can.  Don’t take anything for granted and enjoy everyone and everything.

On October 20, I am lucky enough to be leading a team at Sunrise Walks, where “We Walk So They Can Soar”. For the past few weeks, my team members have been raising money to give to the Pearl River camp. Please find the website below for more information about the camp and everything that this amazing organization does. 

https://www.sunrise-walks.org/PR/Team/View/113113/Team-Z

My Girls are Home!

For the first time in six years, our house is officially home to both of our children.  Our status as empty nesters is temporarily on hold.  Graduation a few weeks ago was a major milestone for Bec and for us as both girls have now finished their formal education.  I use the word formal because education should never truly end, as we all still have many things to learn as we travel through life.  Like a book, we have reached the end of one chapter, and have turned the page to begin a new one.

Gab moved back a year ago as she took a job in this area.  Debbie and I are happy to have her live with us to help provide the opportunity to save money before moving out on her own.  Same now goes for Bec.  And while that is the practical rationale, the truth is, even if this is for a short period, it is a good feeling to have the family back together.  Again, I know that this is temporary, because as much as we would like them to stay, the old adage, “our house, our rules” still applies.  Not sure if that is a negative reflection on us as being unchanging, but we still see our little girls as just that.  I remember, before getting married, when I was at my parent’s home, it felt like at many times they treated me as that little boy who grew up there and only saw the adult Wayne when I was outside their house.  Alright, I will admit, in hindsight it was kind of nice to be pampered, have food prepared for me and have my laundry washed, folded and put away.

Still, in the realm of milestones, the next chapter where we become empty nesters for good cannot be too many years off.  My mom always said to my brothers and me that “…no matter how old you are, you will always be my babies.”  My brothers and I laughed at that.  It has taken decades for that comment to finally catch up with me, as the girls are still our little kids – albeit in grown up form, grown up mannerisms, grown up attitudes, and grown up objectives.  Okay, I just described young adults, not children.  I guess the lesson learned, and the most important thing, is to enjoy them while they are still under our roof.   This should always be a place of comfort, a place of warmth and a place for family to congregate, for as long as Debbie and are able to make it so.

The Meaning of Legacy?

During a recent conversation, it turned briefly about leaving a legacy.  Does not matter who I was talking to or the general reference, because after we touched on the topic, in one of those rare instances, my mind began to take off on its own direction on leaving a legacy.  What is the importance of leaving a legacy?  What really is a legacy? And, do we have a say in our personal legacies?  It was off to the races and I am sure that I nodded to the person I was speaking to as the conversation went into auto-pilot before they got distracted and moved on.  My mind, over the next few days, continued to revisit this thought though.

There was a point in time, not too long ago, where I thought that a legacy meant having your name adorning a wall somewhere to mark that you have been there.  Not unlike the old “Washington slept here” plaques that were scattered throughout the original 13 colonies.  I have recently come to realize that a name plate would only be a name attached to a list with potentially no meaning behind it.  

Years ago, a highly successful person who had many various successful careers explained success in family terms – that when the future generation see your picture over the mantlepiece, they will know that you were the one that change direction of the family to where they are today.  One of the definitions provided by Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.”  Base on this definition, the legacy is not in the name, but the actions or results of specific actions that are able to be passed from generation to generation.  In my Washington example, it might be nice to know where he rested his head at night, but we all know the impact (legacy) that Washington the man, the leader, the general, the president and, yes, thought leader left behind for all Americans.  

So, my name on a wall might only be a monument to myself.  Hopefully my children will one day point them out and say to their children, “Do you know who that is?”  I know 50-50 percent chance they will say yes.  At that point, I am just another plaque adorning a listing.  If they respond, “Is that our grandfather,” then I have left an impression more than a name.  Changing the course of future possibilities, making a HUGE dent in the universe and leaving a mark behind are all noble endeavors and things we hear people spending significant time worrying over.  I am busy spending my time focusing on the goals in front of me and accomplishing the things that I need to do.  Most importantly, I already have a legacy, whether the name Wayne Zeiler is remembered or not, in that I have a beautiful family, and if I do not dent the universe, hopefully the values and lessons Debbie and I pass on will one cause that Zeiler-down-the-line to do something truly amazing and unique.

Just the Facts

When I was growing up, I remember watching reruns of the TV show Dragnet starring Jack Webb as the straight-laced Police Officer Joe Friday.  Each episode the dour faced officer would solve crimes while collecting the facts.  In an era of fake news, I think that sometimes we forget the power of presenting the facts and having the truth presented to sway people, thought and outcomes.  I remember on my first consulting gig, nearly 23 years ago, the project manager turned to me before a presentation to the client management team and said, “You will give the presentation.”  I immediately froze, I had never given a public speech before and certainly never presented to anyone in management (high level decision makers).  The client was a large, global company, where our involvement was related to the US music manufacturing and distribution business.  The advice that he gave was, “Just tell the story by presenting the facts of what we are doing.”

My grandfather was known as Straight-as-an-Arrow on the golf course.  But that would also represent his attitude, as he also was a HUGE believer in always telling the truth.  Anyone that is in a successful marriage understands the value of honesty and how that helps to retain the trust between both parties.  This is a valid item in any relationship.  To be fully honest, I may have told a few lies in my life, which in every case gets found out and the only way to maintain a lie is to continue to lie.  Also, Debbie has learned that if I even think that I might pull a fast one (more like bending the truth), she can see it written all over my face.

Years ago, I was interviewing for a consulting job where I would be handling the project management and be a team member.  During the questioning, I answered one of the questions with, “I do not know that area of the software, but would be willing to spend my own time learning it for you.”  After the interview was over, the director giving the interview told the person placing me that he was choosing me for the job.  Was it my knowledge of the system?  Was it my charming good looks?  No – he was impressed with my honesty.  Even in my accounting days, if I did not know the answer, I would not make up something close, it was always, I do not know, let me check…which is an answer I still use if I am unsure. 

Same was true when presenting at Toastmaster meetings.  Same is true when presenting an issue to my Board of Trustees.  Same is true working in teams.  Same is true when teaching a class.  As a Project Manager, as a Consultant, as a Teacher, as a Presenter, our authority on the subject / topic is only as good as the faith and trust placed on us in by our audience, team, or peers.  Being honest is an important value for anyone in a leadership position, or for anyone striving to get to a leadership position.  So, as a newbie consultant, that day 23 years ago, I gave my first ever presentation to upper management.  I followed the advice and told the truth (good points and a few not so good points).  By sticking to the truth, I knew the material very well and was able to answer the follow up questions.  That one day, that one lesson has continued to serve me well.

I Could Have Been…

After David Cassidy died, his daughter revealed that his last words were, “so much wasted time.”  Darren Hardy tells the story of his father’s friend, one that pursued building a real estate fortune, where during his final visit in the hospital before the man died, he said, “I missed the point.”  Then there is the story about a man who was asked at the end of his life if he had any regrets and his answer was, “I wish I was the man I was meant to be.”

When the end of our days come, will we stand on that final doorstep, looking back at what we have left behind, feeling regret for passing up opportunities leading to non-accomplishments, or be satisfied with the output of our actions, personal dreams and goals that will define our lives to the loved ones we leave behind?  While morbid in thinking of what our final moments and thoughts are going to be, as I get older, I am beginning to think that I would rather start to answer those questions now, as opposed to later.  Many years ago, when I struck out in my own business, one of the answers I gave for doing so was that I did not want to one day look back and say, “I had the opportunity to do this and did not.”  We all know people who have said, “I could have done…”, or “I was approached with something that could have become…” 

While I think that we spend part of our time and brain power to figuring out what other peoples’ expectations of us are, we need to spend time on our own expectations, which means we need to identify our own potentials.  We have all met people in our lives, whether casual acquaintances, family, friends or celebrities, that were talented, but crashed and burned.  For example, we used to know a guitarist who was extremely talented and was able to position himself into playing with a real touring band.  However, he was a heroin addict who lost that extremely lucrative gig.  I realize that drug addiction is an illness, but there are still choices that we make that either put us in front of harm’s way or help us to avoid the pitfalls that can trap us.  The last time I heard about him, he celebrated a positive success by falling off the wagon.

In Charles Dicken’s classic story, A Christmas Carol (whether you have read the book, seen any variation of the movie, or refer to the Mr. McGoo special), Ebenezer Scrooge had the opportunity to witness his own eulogy.  If we had a chance to watch those final words being spoken, would they be the words that you would want / expect to hear?  Will they reflect words that state that we lived up to our potential?  Or just went with the flow?  While Scrooge is a fictitious character, he recognized his failing, saw the impact of his ways, realized his potential and made the necessary changes to achieve a better outcome.  While we live and breathe, we all have the opportunity to live meaningful lives and to write the stories that future generations will tell.  This way when we stand before that last exit door, we can step through knowing that our time here was worthwhile.

First Annual Memorial Golf Outing

With the passing of Magda, the thought came up as to what is the best way to remember someone that was special, caring and giving during their life.  What actions can one take to reflect and remember the best of someone, so that a legacy can be created?  It is not easy to memorialize someone, to take some real stand in helping to pass on a legacy that reflects some part, if not all, of his or her life.  At her core, Magda was a caring, giving individual.  Someone had to make a decision, and offered up by our friend, Scott - the decision was given a small test, and the results were special.  Recently, we held the first Annual Magda Memorial Golf Outing, with a donation made to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund Alliance in her memory.  This is about Magda, a chance to raise funds then use those funds to give and help others afflicted with the same disease that took her away from us.  Raising the money was the objective; golf was merely the vehicle for that cause.

During the warmer weather, one can drive around and see banners hanging over the street, read in the local papers and sometimes, hear on the radio, events named for people.  These can be nation walks (Relay for Life was started by one person), a local run, or other event.   I always wondered not only who the people were, but also, how the events got started.  Like all successes, it has to start with an idea.  While we all have moments where we are inspired by a mere thought, that moment of clarity is only there for the moment.  In each of the events, in each time greatness was achieved, a germ of a thought had to be at the root.  It was following the idea, putting a course of action together, having a sense of purpose and engaging that has caused the events to become bigger than the original idea.

Most importantly, this is about preserving the memory of someone, where each year, we can share her virtue of giving and helping others.  It is interesting to note that in ancient times, leaders would recast history to meet their needs, project (or remove) a legacy by altering the truth for their own benefits.  Fortunately, and especially in our case, Magda lived a life that was value oriented, and was always true to her beliefs, so we can draw upon the facts of her life.  While there were only a few of us involved this first year, we hope to increase the participation next year; such that in years to come, we can have a positive impact on the field of cancer research to help others so afflicted in Magda’s name.  Though saddened by our loss, it will be exciting to help others...

The Caregiver

When we marry, part of what the person officiating says is to the couple getting married, as part of the vows, is that this is “…in sickness or in health…”  These are important words to commit to the person we marry out of love and care.  We heard this a few weeks ago when Monica got married.  We heard this 25.5 years ago when Debbie and I got married.  We heard this 11.5 years ago when Jeff and Magda got married.

The picture above is of my brother, Jeff, who we are very proud of.  Jeff belongs to the small, and sometimes overlooked, category of people called caregivers.  My first introduction to this group of special people came when we used to walk in the Relay for Life.  A caregiver is a family member who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.  The program spent time talking about the caregivers, had a caregiver speech and a dedicated lap for them to walk.  Today, I want to take some time on one special caregiver – my brother, Jeff.

Last week, I wrote about the loss of my sister-in-law, Magda.  During most of her battle with cancer, Jeff did what any caring, loving husband would do.  He searched out the best doctors to provide the best care for his wife.  Whether the doctor was local, in New York City, or even in Houston, they went to provide the best chances for extending Magda’s life.  Last May, while visiting my dying aunt (also of cancer) in Florida, Magda lost her balance and fell.  Unfortunately, this was a sign that the cancer she had been fighting had begun to affect her lower body, and after that, Magda no longer walked.

When married and the times are good, it is easy to live by the wedding vow “…in health…”, however, the true mettle of the relationship is tested at times when “…in sickness…” is unfortunately added the couple.

Jeff immediately learned how to move and, at times, carry Magda.  You see, years ago, in one of her surgeries, Magda had ribs removed.  While this resolved the crises at that point, she was left with constant pain.  Moving her, Jeff always had to consider how to place his arms.  My brother still needed to work, so for the month of July and August, he had daytime help – Gab (proud of her for helping).  As the summer ended, and the need to still work, Bec (proud of her) helped find and hire an aide.  Even though Jeff was the around the clock caregiver, he still needed to work and run errands.  Last year, Magda wanted to do a girls trip to Aruba.  Debbie (proud of her), was the caregiver on the trip. 

The sad thing about cancer is that, unless you are in remission, you continue to deteriorate over time.  This meant that Jeff had to take on more roles.  Laying in the same position, whether a bed, a chair or a couch, can lead to sores.  Jeff had to become the nurse.  Over the last six months, I cannot begin to list out the different things that Jeff learned in caring for Magda.  It had reached the point where no family member could help for more than a few hours.  For Jeff to go on an errand, play hockey, have band practice, etc., someone had to be with Magda.  Jeff went above and beyond what most people would do for a spouse.  Caregiver, aide, and nurse – due to the level of care provided, he learned to survive with little sleep.  When we had band practice, there was the walkie-talkie on the music stand and the running up between songs to check on Magda.  Towards the end, Debbie, or other friends would sit with Magda so that Jeff could play, as this was much needed down time for him.

When asked about bringing in more help, Jeff responded, “I want to spend as much time together as we can.” That is devotion; that is the commitment one makes in the wedding vows when they say “…in sickness or in health…”  Jeff tended and cared for Magda right up to the end.

As a family, we are all pulling together to care for the caregiver that gave so much of himself, in a truly selfless manner.  We still need Jeff in our lives.  I do not yet know if there is a cure for a broken heart, a salve to ease the pain of loss, or an ointment to make happy memories not bring on tears.  What I do know, is that like the way Magda leaned on Jeff, it is now time for Jeff to lean on us.  We are proud for the example that he provided and we will be there for him while he goes through the tough road ahead.