My Grandfather’s Clock

 My Grandfather had a clock that used to sit on a set of draws in his dining room.  Having grown up in a house with electric clocks, I was amazed that this clock, old in style, had no plug to make it work.  Then one day, I remember Grandpa opening the top drawer, pulling out a key and asking him what that was for.  As he placed the key into a hole in the face of the clock, he explained that the old clock was run on a spring.  He continued to explain that the key needed to be inserted, as he was doing, so that he could wind up the clock (tighten the spring) so that the clock could continue to run.  The key was turned a number of times until the mainspring was tightened and the key removed from the clock.  “If I do not do this, the clock will run down, getting slower until it finally stops,” he said as he put the key safely back into the drawer.

The clock comes to mind when I speak of how my father is doing.  I am at the point in life that when I look at my father, I readily notice that he is getting older, dealing with health issues and needing more care every day.  While it is true that no child wants to see their parents aging, struggling with daily routines, nor, fighting to get through each day, it is a part of the circle of life.  I know that I am at an age where I am not alone, as friends have been going through these life cycle changes in similar manners currently or over the past years.  It is not easy to watch the ones that took care of you, made the decisions that shaped your life and help you when needed, to become the ones that now look to you to help take care of them, make the decisions that impact that their lives and help them when needed.  This can be at times awkward and unnerving as it does not seem “natural” to become the parent figure.

The truth is that a time comes where we need to protect our parents and make them feel safe.  Fortunately, our children are old enough to tend to themselves.  That also means they are old enough to see and understand the situation which makes it hard for them as well (in a different way).  As children, they still have the ability to learn; as adults, they have the ability to see how we treat our parents and will hopefully apply the lessons gathered when we look towards them for assistance (hopefully) many years into the future.  For us, this is a clear sign of our mortality, a part of life that greets us whether we are ready or not, prepared for it or oblivious of the waiting cloaked figure with the sickle standing off in the shadows.

I sadly watch as the clock starts to slow down, wending its way towards its inevitable path.  While we know how this story will end, that does not provide comfort today.  I feel like the young child I once was, standing next to my Grandfather, unable to take the key and wind the clock…all I can do is watch.  There is no way to tell how long it will take, but I will take comfort in hearing that clock tick while it still can.

The Story of Our Lives

My Dad recently asked me the question, “How much do you know about your grandparents?”  I thought for a few minutes and answered honestly, “Some.”  My Dad sighed and responded, “There are some stories that I am the only one that knows them.”  This exchange made me think – how much do my children know about their grandparents?  How about my grandparents?  Oddly enough…about their own parents’ stories from before they were born?

I had the unique opportunity to know my four grandparents.  That ended at the age of fifteen, when I lost both of my grandmothers within a year.  I do have memories of them and remember some of the stories from their lives.  I remember a few more stories as told by my maternal grandmother, as it seemed she was also still finding family members.  My maternal grandfather had a bad stroke shortly after she died and remained homebound and needed help the remainder of his life.  He was a good storyteller and came from a large colorful family.  But once he was sick, his speech also suffered.  My paternal grandfather, the only grandparent Debbie met, died just after Rebecca was born, which meant that I had the opportunity to have an adult relationship with him.  Naturally, as of today, I know most about his growing up poor in Europe, moving to America in 1920, his many jobs and his life in general (he lived the American dream). 

Most of what my children know of my grandparents comes from me.  As with most oral histories, the actual stories begin to get diluted, some of the holes in the stories get replaced (sometime consciously, sometimes not) and stories transform into legendary tales or family folklore.  All of us grow up hearing them and we all try to pass our favorite stories on.  In my house, some of the legendary tales my brothers and I always laughed at are greeted with blank stares from my girls followed by the question, “Why would you know that?”  And generally speaking, the stories about myself, while told in all seriousness, cause them to laugh at me, and keep getting recycled (always at my expense).  For example, I shared that my parents taught us how to dance for my Bar Mitzvah, specifically the Waltz.  That has given them hours of endless laughter, wondering who else in the world Waltzes in the basement and why is it that the only goofball that did so was their father (my brothers conveniently do not remember this).

I realized that the stories, however they remember them, are the stories that they will carry with them and become the tales that they will tell.  I remember my grandfather relating a scary story from the mid-1920’s.  He and a few friends were out driving in a car when the car got slammed into on the side by another car.  At that point in time, the cars were not made heavy duty like today and split in half, the front going in one direction and the back going in another.  As they got out of the car, the drivers of the other car were gangsters of some sort and the threat they gave buried any further action.  To this day, I only have the image of the car breaking in half and going in two different directions like a cartoon and I am laughing while typing.  I asked my dad to fill in the blanks.  He remembered the friend’s name (Sam Katz), he laughed and was fuzzy on the rest of the story.

These are the stories of my life; I am sure my girls will pass on the stories that made them laugh, taught them a lesson or inspired them. 

Delegating

“The best way to ensure that something is done correctly is to do it myself.”  OK, raise your hand if you have heard someone say this.  Great, now keep your hand up if you have used this line before, and be honest.  As someone who has worked with teams, been a team member and a manager, I will admit to raising my hand for both of those questions.  There were many times earlier in my career where grabbing the task and putting together the action items were a choice.  I had yet to learn that by doing this I was minimizing the person I was grabbing from, putting myself in a position where I now was responsible, and most importantly, removed a learning opportunity to help better someone in terms of educating them and improving their skill sets. 

If I am a one-man shop, it is natural to take on all of the responsibilities, action all items and provide all of the feedback.  The “buck” has nowhere else to stop at.  When we are young, we learn that it is our responsibility to achieve, get those good grades and excel in our endeavors.  When we succeeded or failed, we became labeled by our outcome.  Realize that for many people, those labels had an impact on their mindset and followed them as they grew into adulthood.  If we fail, we do not want to fail again, while if we succeed, it has to be only our doing.  Coupled with a mindset of “It is up to me if it was meant to be,” we fall into doing things by ourselves.  For a company to grow, this mindset makes it difficult to move beyond a one-man operation or grow from a “Mom and Pop” shop.

 I have been working with teams for most of my working career.  The good thing about a team is that by working together, each having our own responsibilities, we can achieve more together than we would be able to do on our own.  This is a different mindset than laid out in the previous paragraph.  Have I ever worked with a team where there is someone with the “I can do this by myself” mindset?  Of course, and this can cause the team to not work together, demoralize the group and fall short of the goals.  In this example, the members of the team need to realize that roles have been delegated to the resource that the manager feels can best accomplish each of the tasks.

Related question – have I ever worked for someone who did not understand delegation?  Of course. In this example, the manager hogs all of the tasks and needs to remember that the roles delegated need to be done by the resource assigned.  This also has a huge impact on the development of the team members; By delegating and supporting each person, you empower them to think for themselves, allow for internal creativity to occur and build confidence in your teams.

Like so many of the things that we do, yes, this is a lot of work and something emerging managers need to remember and strive to get better at.  Delegating responsibilities to others is not an easy thing to do and is something that one has to learn to be comfortable doing. 

Who is Guarding Whom?

In Harlan Ellison’s short story, “Crackpots”, he asks the underlying question – who really are the madmen and who runs the asylum?  It was an interest topic as it does make one realize that our points of view, or perspectives, can have a huge impact on how we view the world around us, how we navigate through life and how we interact with others.  For those amongst us that we deem the “normal” of society, someone who is a genius can sometimes border on insanity.  One might have to suspend commonly accepted methods to be open to other ideas and options.

In my brief time as an IBO (independent business owner) in the network marketing world, we were taught that when we approach a potential customer or IBO, to always lead with “…are you open to…”  As we go through life, how often are we not open to new thoughts, ideas or concepts?  Is it possible to crack that door ajar enough for new things to trickle in, either through the help of other, or, (gasp) of our own volition?  We all have the capacity to think more broadly.  When you are looking to buy a new car, did you all of a sudden look around and wonder why the car you are looking at has become more popular?  They were always there; you just were not “open” to seeing them.

We ran into a similar concept when we re-sided the house many years ago.  We were asked what type of shudders we wanted, or if we even wanted shudders.  We laughed at the time, thinking that shudders were standard and everyone had them.  As we drove around (many times not even looking), we noticed that there are a lot of houses without shudders, they came in some different styles, sizes and contrasting colors.  Without having been open to this beforehand, we never would have realized this.  We had a preconceived notion and potentially cut ourselves off to an option had not someone else point this out.  The “crazy” idea of not having shudders all-of-a-sudden became a possibility.

We all live in a world of commonly accepted practices, group-think, and community derived norms.  We have all met people through our lives that seemed a little bit “out there”, due to the fact they did not comply with our “accepted” practices.  It is interesting to note, that after a few cocktails, we tend to drop our commonly accepted façade and we begin to hypothesize and create new ideas.  These Ideas are generated by the ability to think freely, to push beyond convention and a static environment.  The next morning, as we try to remember through the fog and possible hangover what we envisioned, half the time we dismiss the thoughts as it is outside what others might approve.  It does show that new ideas can flow more freely once the restraints are removed that dam up our abilities to be creative.

So, who are the mad ones, the free thinkers or the practitioners of the generally accepted norm?  And, who is guarding whom, or are have we become monitors / captors of our own thoughts?

We Have A Substitute Teacher!

I am sure that we all have stories about our elementary and middle school substitute teachers.  Come on – you remember…right?  You would walk into the classroom and for whatever reason, your regular teacher was absent.  Everyone would sit in a different seat, spitballs would be flying through the air and that wad of wet toilet paper would find its way to attach to the chalkboard (yes, my time was way before smart boards).  I remember we referred to a teacher as Mrs. Head, because we thought her head was rather large.  Of course, while trick or treating later that year, we found out that she lived across the street from one of our friends and was a really nice lady…we instantly felt bad about what we had done.  Most of the time, word did get back to our teachers and to our parents.  Now that my daughter is a teacher, last year she had to handle a class that acted that way when she was absent.

Looking back as an adult, we were just out to have a little fun and take advantage of the situation.  In hindsight, we were wrong and being mean spirited to someone that was doing their job and helping us.  As kids, we should know better, but have not fully learned restraint.  Hiding behind the old adage, “when the cats are away the mice will play” is not an excuse.  Unfortunately, there are times where we are in situations where adults act similarly.  With children, you can give them an extra assignment, have them write an essay on how to treat people or give them detention.  But, what can one do to adults, where an assignment, essay or detention can not be administered?  I spent the last two weeks in meeting with adults and when breaktime was over, they went back to their seats and were fully engaged.  I teach adults and do not have an issue.  But in both cases, while I was an unknown person, I was not treated like a substitute.

OK, I get it.  One of the emotions that we continue to have is being excited.  This gets us charged up, an opportunity to push boundaries (whether consciously or not) and show passion.  There is an old adage – he who controls the agenda, controls the meeting.  Looking back over the many years, most of our substitute teachers did not walk into the classroom and take control.  Do not get me wrong, there were some substitute teachers that were able to walk in and control the classrooms; those were the ones you were always happy to have and looked forward to seeing.  I never apologized to Mrs. Head or the others that our classes took advantage of.  As an adult, I hope that I would act better today, put myself in her shoes and realize what it takes to step in.  After all, at 56, I would hope that I would know better.

Oh, Sleep, Where Art Thou?

Ever have a stretch of poor sleep?  I do not mean just one night of tossing and turning and the mind forever racing over some salient point, or the times in our lives where we go to bed worrying about something.  I am talking (or, in my case, writing) about a string of night or weeks, where you wake up as tired as when you went to sleep?

This past week, I was in Stamford, Connecticut to train new users on the OneStream application.  The class went well and I was able to help adult professionals on their journey working with a product that will be beneficial to their company and their work lives.  I knew the material, I knew the information that I had to cover, and this was by no means the first time that I was in front of a class (or audience for that matter).  After eight hours of being “on,” where you are training, reacting to facial expressions (clues to understanding the material), answering questions and making the information relevant to each person, I am very tired.  Each night, I went to bed exhausted and passed out.  Great!  Except that when I opened my eyes feeling refreshed, it was only 11:30 ☹.  Each night I was up multiple times, sometimes not able to fall right back to sleep.  

Was I anxious?  Was I nervous?  Was I not used to being away from home?  All of these questions rattled around my brain (which probably made me more anxious the next night).  The truth is, I was not sleeping great prior to Stamford, nor once I got home.  Yes, I am sleeping more comfortably at home but still not the sleep I want.  Or some mornings it is a struggle getting out of bed and I would rather sleep in.  If I do, there is no exercise for that day and then I feel bad that I did not do that healthy activity for my body. 

I remember my mother’s father telling us that one hour of sleep before midnight equals two hours after.  So, I did a little web research.  There were a few articles that mention our best restorative sleep comes in the first third of sleeping; This easily leads to 1 hour before (1/3) midnight equals 2 hours after (2/3).  If I fall asleep at 10:00 and wake up at 11:30, does this mean that I only need four and a half hours of sleep?  There are also plenty of articles stating that we need less sleep the older we get.  

Either way, by the time that I have woken up, exercised, showered and eaten breakfast, I am more than ready for the day ahead.  I am full of energy waiting to take on the various adventures and challenges in front of me.  The good news, if I tire, there is always the opportunity to close my eyes for 15 minutes and take a catnap (or longer on weekends) to refresh myself.  At least I know, that at the end of my full day, there will always be my comfortable, inviting bed waiting for me.

Venturing Beyond our Comfort Zones

“The biggest rewards in life are found outside your comfort zone. Live with it. Fear and risk are prerequisites if you want to enjoy a life of success and adventure.” ~ Jack Canfield

Last week I spent four full days in class.  This time was neither spent behind a desk, hiding behind the safety of a computer, nor quietly listening and hoping no one called on me.  This was not four days of down time, to have a nice dinner, or to go out for a few beers to bide my quiet evenings alone until the next session began.  This was 8+ hours standing at the front of the class, teaching the class through slides, explanations, demos and exercises.  My night times were spent with a quick dinner, catching up on emails, making phone calls and prepping for the next day’s class.  I was out front, talking, teaching and being “on” the entire four days.  As someone who leans slightly towards the introvert side, this was a tiring week, where I stepped out of my comfort to help others on their journey.

The truth is, I am comfortable giving presentations – they are of a fixed length and the longest one I had given to date was a one-hour seminar.  Did I know I was stepping outside that comfortable circle I had drawn around myself?  Yes.  Was I scared / nervous?  Yes.  Doing something you have not done before always brings about a feeling of displacement and triggers that little voice in our heads where doubt is created and the constant reminder that you have never done this before. 

Having dealt with the world of change over the last 20+ years, I am able to spot some of the language people use to protect those imaginary borders they have erected around themselves.  It can appear as a reminiscence (“I remember…”, “The we use to…”), as an alternate solution (“I would have…”), or even as a warning (“This did not work last time…”).  These are people who are comfortable where they are, are afraid to leave the place where they are comfortable or simply fear what they do not know or understand.  If I am being completely honest, these types of thoughts do appear at the edge of my own personal comfort zone.

In my house, Debbie spent many years as a nursery school teacher.  I watched her prepare for her classes.  Gab is currently a music teacher and I see the amount of time that she spends each weekend in preparation for her week ahead.  As with any new venture, it is important to address your fears / concerns head on and spend the time learning what you need, preparing ahead and remembering why you are doing it.  If you have seen specials on stunt drivers, you see the amount of time and effort spent before doing the most dangerous stunt to ensure that it is pulled of successfully and safely.  By the end of the week, I was tired as it was a lot of effort to prepare and even more to do the teaching.  However, once the course was completed, I reinforced my personal reasons for doing this.  I had connected with the students to help them on their journeys and was grateful to see the bulbs light up over their heads as they had their own “a-ha” moments.  By expanding my comfort zone, I felt good about myself and what I was able to do for others.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears.” ~ Les Brown

The Importance of Ongoing Education and Training

For a number of years, I neither went to a work-related training class nor a seminar.  I am one of those people who has no problem asking a few questions, rolling up my sleeves, and going off to figure out what needs to be done, how to accomplish what I set out to do and hacking my way through.  Did I get the results I expected?  Most of the time that would be a yes.  Unfortunately, we have a tendency to think that once we are able to proceed in this manner, this is the best way to go – NOT!

Over the last couple of years, I finally broke down and went to a few conferences, went to a seminar and attended some classes.  There is the old adage – “You know what you know; You know what you do not know; But, you do not know what you do not know.”  After attending a few of these courses, I found out that there was more in the third category than I expected.  By attending a conference, I learned how much technology had advanced with that specific software and what had become available over the past few years.  By attending a training course, regardless of the fact that I already used the software, I learned what the software actually does and why.  We all like to throw around the term “best practices.”  In reality, there is always more than one way to accomplish a goal.  However, there is the most direct, accurate, best way rather than a longer, more eloquent approach to meet the same ends.  In the former case, the resources and results are optimized, while in the latter, resources might be put under more pressure and the results less accurate.  We sometimes forget that continued learning is important.

As my younger daughter heads towards graduating in May, I see her excitement at having “no more school.”  Yes, the formal portion of her education might be over, but I have not quite broken it to her yet that there will always be more to learn, more to be educated on and ALWAYS room for improvement.  As I head to becoming certified as a trainer, I realize that training is an opportunity to introduce others to concepts, provide a starting point for moving forward and a chance to share ideas.  It is providing the tools and insights so that the people in attendance can take those thoughts, have a beginner’s ability to start using what they learned, and almost as important, have the ability to ask better questions.  Sometimes, a little bit of knowledge can lead to a desire to improve what is front of us and only through our questions can we fully learn more (or get to good answers).  I look forward to help those starting their journeys and take this opportunity to learn from their experiences as well.

Big Changes at the Zeiler Household

It is official!  Gab is now an adult!  Gab recently received her certification to teach, and, this week she will officially enter the work force and move out of our humble abode.  Take control, baby!  The girl that wanted to teach and believes that everyone should have a chance to learn music is about to embark on making her “why” into a reality.  On one hand, Debbie and I are excited and happy for this HUGE milestone, and on the other hand, we are sad as this means Gab is truly leaving our little bubble, to venture forth on her own.  Do not get me wrong: This is all good and the proper way of things.

I remember when I first officially joined the work force; I worked locally and was able to live in my parent’s house.  For a brief time, the five of us were living under the same roof, even though we were clearly at different points in our lives (one brother in college and the other in High School).  It was great…OK, it was not ideal.  Truth was, I had changed A LOT in college and came back a different person, had trouble adjusting to moving back home and found myself unable to fit back into the role.  The nice thing, however, about that first couple of months, aside from hanging with my brothers, was that I had money in my pocket that I had earned, to spend how I wanted to spend it.  Being into music, that was where I spent my money.  After a couple of years, I motivated to move out with a friend.  That was exciting!  Now I was able to stretch my wings and learn to live by my rules.  I did not mind stumbling, making those mistakes and learning from them – that is what life is about, and, sometimes, where the best lessons come from.  I still went back to my parent’s house (frequently, at first) for meals, advise and holidays.  But, in growing up, this was a big move in the right direction, because for the first time in my life (I learned), I was responsible for myself.

Recently, I had this dream, where I went to a school to visit Gab.  It was not the University of Hartford, but a school where she was teaching.  I walked through the school looking for her, up one corridor and down another.  Finally, I rounded a corner and there she was!  She asked if I wanted something to drink, I said yes and headed to where I must have passed a cafeteria, because Gab said, “Not that way, that’s the cafeteria, we can get something to drink in the teacher’s lounge.”  Teacher’s lounge?!?  As a kid, I remember the teacher’s lounge as that forbidden place that no student was ever allowed into.  We walked into a room with a few teachers hanging out.  Ring! That was not the school bell, but my alarm that went off at that point and I woke up.  OMG!  A few days later, I received the call from Gab that she got the job she is taking!  You got this, Gab!

Our baby is no longer taking baby steps.  Our baby is perched upon the dividing point in life of having been cared for, looked after and education provided.  The baby steps taken up to this point have been in preparation for the adult steps ahead.  As author Andy Andrews says, “Remember, the goal is not to raise great kids; it's to raise kids who become great adults.”  The adult steps ahead lead to a wonderful future, a chance to provide the opportunity to help others learn, appreciate and enjoy music.  The adult steps ahead lead to a bright future.  While Debbie and I are sad that this point in our lives came SO fast, we are extremely proud parents and excited to watch (and be a part of) Gab’s next journey.  Go Gab!