Drawing Circles Around Ourselves

 For four months, my life has been existing primarily from within my house.  I can probably count the number of times that I have been to the store, social visited with friends, etc.  Most of the time when I leave my house, it is the same as sticking your big toe into the pool to see if it is cold.  Trying to stay balanced, you gingerly poke at the top layer of water to determine what you will do next.  I do realize that I work from my house, conduct synagogue business from my house and Zoom socialize from my house.  My children live at home, so we stay together safely as a family.  I have unknowingly gone and drawn a safety or comfort zone around my house.  There are a few other circles that I have drawn where I feel safe, but not many.

Why am I talking about circles?  A number of years ago, I gave a speech regarding our individual comfort zones and how once they are designated, we find it difficult to step outside them.  I likened the comfort zones to circles – circles we draw around ourselves to feel comfortable, circles our parents drew to provide us with a sense of safety and the circles drawn by others to influence us.  The longer the circles are there, the stronger they seem and the wider the drawn lines symbolizing the boundaries become.  But, Wayne, you are thinking, if we draw them, can’t we just erase them?  One would think that.  I remember learning that one of the ways to train a baby elephant is to tether them to a post with a chain.  Once they realize that they cannot escape, as they grow up, it becomes a conditioned reflex, so much so that replacing the chain with a rope will keep the elephant still.  While a full-grown elephant can go pretty much wherever they want whenever they want, due to this learned habit, their comfort zone has become ingrained in them.  Humans are no different once the circles have been drawn.

For me, the key was to realize what I have done by drawing the circle of Covid safety around myself.  I feel safe (that is good), but get anxious about venturing out (that is not good).  I do not want to confuse this with going forth into the world with a mindset towards safety and a diligence to protect ourselves and those around us with the unusual amount of people vying for Darwin Award.  (Yes, I am referring to those who think they are immune to disease, disregard the events of the past five months and think they know better)   Now that I can see the circles that I have drawn around me, I can work towards erasing them by deliberately making planned ventures outside of the house.  Social visits in person, going shopping (when needed), etc., help to overcome these “fears” that have developed.  I am happy to wear my bandana and go out.  Because of this, I am starting to have less anxiety and working towards expanding the circles that I have recently drawn around myself.

We Have A Substitute Teacher!

I am sure that we all have stories about our elementary and middle school substitute teachers.  Come on – you remember…right?  You would walk into the classroom and for whatever reason, your regular teacher was absent.  Everyone would sit in a different seat, spitballs would be flying through the air and that wad of wet toilet paper would find its way to attach to the chalkboard (yes, my time was way before smart boards).  I remember we referred to a teacher as Mrs. Head, because we thought her head was rather large.  Of course, while trick or treating later that year, we found out that she lived across the street from one of our friends and was a really nice lady…we instantly felt bad about what we had done.  Most of the time, word did get back to our teachers and to our parents.  Now that my daughter is a teacher, last year she had to handle a class that acted that way when she was absent.

Looking back as an adult, we were just out to have a little fun and take advantage of the situation.  In hindsight, we were wrong and being mean spirited to someone that was doing their job and helping us.  As kids, we should know better, but have not fully learned restraint.  Hiding behind the old adage, “when the cats are away the mice will play” is not an excuse.  Unfortunately, there are times where we are in situations where adults act similarly.  With children, you can give them an extra assignment, have them write an essay on how to treat people or give them detention.  But, what can one do to adults, where an assignment, essay or detention can not be administered?  I spent the last two weeks in meeting with adults and when breaktime was over, they went back to their seats and were fully engaged.  I teach adults and do not have an issue.  But in both cases, while I was an unknown person, I was not treated like a substitute.

OK, I get it.  One of the emotions that we continue to have is being excited.  This gets us charged up, an opportunity to push boundaries (whether consciously or not) and show passion.  There is an old adage – he who controls the agenda, controls the meeting.  Looking back over the many years, most of our substitute teachers did not walk into the classroom and take control.  Do not get me wrong, there were some substitute teachers that were able to walk in and control the classrooms; those were the ones you were always happy to have and looked forward to seeing.  I never apologized to Mrs. Head or the others that our classes took advantage of.  As an adult, I hope that I would act better today, put myself in her shoes and realize what it takes to step in.  After all, at 56, I would hope that I would know better.

He Who Controls the Agenda

Meetings, meetings, meetings!  Some days, it seems like there is an endless stream of meetings.  Meetings in the morning, meetings in the afternoon and then synagogue meetings in the evening.  (Heavy sigh) 

Yes, meetings are a great way to share ideas, communicate information, and work together for a common goal.  Meetings with a purpose are great!  Meetings that meander aimlessly over the horizon is time that one will never get back.  I have been in meetings that are run well and meetings that are less well run.  I have been in meetings where the overall atmosphere is congenial, pleasant and well participated, and I have been in meetings where rudeness, fear of opening one’s mouth and being all over the place are par for the course.  The people that seem most organized are not necessarily the one’s who run organized meetings and vice versa.

I was taught somewhere a long time ago, that meetings should have the following:

• A purpose – which is stated at the onset so everyone in attendance knows why they are meeting
• An agenda – which provides the topics to be discussed and the flow of the meeting
• A timekeeper (utilized at Toastmasters) –  someone who keeps everyone on track to limit speaking time and to ensure the start and end time of the meeting
• A scribe – someone who keeps the notes to be distributed after the meeting.  In smaller meetings, this person can be the leader of the meeting
• A leader – someone who provides the agenda and moderates the flow of the meeting, making sure everyone stays focused on the topic (purpose) at hand.

The truth is, depending on the size and purpose of the meeting, the same points hold true, even if the meeting’s leader holds all of the roles (not as efficient in larger meetings).  Once you, as the leader, control the agenda, you can control the meeting.  Once you cede control of the agenda, you can lose control of the meeting.  Do not get me wrong, meetings are good, they are an important means of communicating information, and a valuable way to allocate time in a group setting.  Controlling the agenda assists in making sure that the topics covered are relevant, there is focus to the meeting and a means for future achievements. 

Take a Step Back

On one of the live Grateful Dead tapes that I used to have, the band comments that people are crowding too close to the stage.  To have the audience move back and make some general space, the band starts chanting, “1, 2, 3, take a step back.”  This seems to have worked, as there are other live records where they repeated this method.  If you have ever been to a concert with general admissions, as the band is playing and people are really into the music, they seem to gravitate closer to the stage.  They may not be intentionally rushing the stage, but more are drawn to it. They literally have to take a step back.

Basically, I am not an in your face type of person.  I am somewhat reserved, and slow to getting angry…but it does happen (as with most people).  When I get angry, or upset, it is usually after a series of events, a bad day, or someone has already gotten under my skin.  I do not look for confrontation, but sometimes, like my example above, it seems like I am drawn towards it.  That is not to make an excuse, but reality.

What I find is that usually, I get frustrated (instead of angry).  I have learned that people do not always listen, or, maybe better put, hear what they want based on the filters they have in place.  I can say something multiple times, but if my audience does not care, it is not important to them, or, they are completely distracted, they will not hear, no matter how hard I try, what I have to say.  Down the road, when what I have been saying, or in some cases, they have agreed with me, they realize it may affect them directly, they engage by either agreeing or, in many cases, pushing back.  The frustration happens, on my part, when I have put out the effort to communicate, taken steps to move something forward, and engaged other people, when my original audience decides to make a decision based on a single point and without “taking a step back” to look at the bigger picture, or deny they had prior knowledge.

As Frank Sinatra sang, “That’s life…ridin’ high in April, shot down in May…back on top in June…”  We have choices in life, either we let people (that we have no control over) dictate our outcomes, or we (re)direct our paths (things we have control over) to improve the chances of success.  Yes, sometimes we all need to take a step back.  People have short-term memories and forget the conversations they have had – I cannot control that.  People are self-interested and in general are concerned about themselves – I cannot forget that.  Align the path with others interests – I control.  Making sure to include everyone – I control. 

While we can take a step back, reassess the situation, readjust things and redirect our efforts towards our objective, it is important not to lose sight of our objects / goals.  Like any road we travel, there are times where a tree can fall in the way, a speed bump appears out of nowhere or we simply need to refuel.  Taking detours are part of being a driver.  When we fall, we can get up, brush ourselves off and move forward.  I can take a step back, catch my breath and move on.  Occasionally, like the Dead, it is OK to tell others to take a step back. 

Who is in Control?

“Wayne, I don’t think so.  The way I see it you will be the help desk for your division.”

“What?” I thought to myself.  This guy just asked where I saw myself going, ignored what I said (my ambition at the time), and is telling me something completely different.  I saw two choices in front of me, either nod my head and do what he said, or, leave the company and pursue my own destiny.  In other words, take control of my career, or, become beholden to someone else’s objectives for me.

A month later, I had a new job as a consultant, which provided me with new opportunities, gave me a chance to develop professionally and led me on a favorable path.  Right before I left Medco, as I was making my rounds to say goodbye, a few people said that it took courage to do what I was doing, that they wished they could make a change, but the money was to good to walk away from.  For me, it was not about the status of the money being paid. 

Recently, I was reminded that the only thing that you have control over are the things that you control.  I might not have had control over the work that was being assigned to me, but I did have control over whether or not I wanted to remain employed where I was.

Many external influences attempt daily to take a piece of control away from us.  An example would be commercials.  I recently heard a radio ad for a food supplement product that the speaker claimed after three months of using, his golf game improved dramatically.  REALLY?!?  I play a little golf; food has never affected my game.  How about Reality TV?  How many of the so-called stars have gone into business, written books, gone on tour and fans are excited to spend their hard earned money on their products?  We all tend to cede control of some of our focus, or, let someone else make decisions for us that, at times, distract us from our personal goals.

The lesson can be taught to our girls away in college.  It is a time in their lives filled with wonderful new experiences, a time where they are encouraged to be curious and a chance to choose a direction for their lives.  As important as their education is, they cannot control all aspects of the environments they place themselves in.  They will need to learn to identify the areas of their lives where they  have the control, where they will never have control over (and therefore become beholden to other’s agenda), and hopefully not to fall into the trap of blaming others for their position in life or condition.  As much as Debbie and I can try to teach them, this is a valuable lesson, they will need to learn on their own.

There is an old adage; he who controls the agenda controls the outcome.  In business, if you have a meeting, the person that controls the meeting’s agenda controls the content.  During the presidential primaries, Donald Trump controlled the agenda by pulling the candidates to address his points and play “his game.”  As we go through life, we need to be able to remember who is controlling the agenda.  When I left my job, I decided that I would not let someone else control the agenda of my career.