My Grandfather’s Clock

 My Grandfather had a clock that used to sit on a set of draws in his dining room.  Having grown up in a house with electric clocks, I was amazed that this clock, old in style, had no plug to make it work.  Then one day, I remember Grandpa opening the top drawer, pulling out a key and asking him what that was for.  As he placed the key into a hole in the face of the clock, he explained that the old clock was run on a spring.  He continued to explain that the key needed to be inserted, as he was doing, so that he could wind up the clock (tighten the spring) so that the clock could continue to run.  The key was turned a number of times until the mainspring was tightened and the key removed from the clock.  “If I do not do this, the clock will run down, getting slower until it finally stops,” he said as he put the key safely back into the drawer.

The clock comes to mind when I speak of how my father is doing.  I am at the point in life that when I look at my father, I readily notice that he is getting older, dealing with health issues and needing more care every day.  While it is true that no child wants to see their parents aging, struggling with daily routines, nor, fighting to get through each day, it is a part of the circle of life.  I know that I am at an age where I am not alone, as friends have been going through these life cycle changes in similar manners currently or over the past years.  It is not easy to watch the ones that took care of you, made the decisions that shaped your life and help you when needed, to become the ones that now look to you to help take care of them, make the decisions that impact that their lives and help them when needed.  This can be at times awkward and unnerving as it does not seem “natural” to become the parent figure.

The truth is that a time comes where we need to protect our parents and make them feel safe.  Fortunately, our children are old enough to tend to themselves.  That also means they are old enough to see and understand the situation which makes it hard for them as well (in a different way).  As children, they still have the ability to learn; as adults, they have the ability to see how we treat our parents and will hopefully apply the lessons gathered when we look towards them for assistance (hopefully) many years into the future.  For us, this is a clear sign of our mortality, a part of life that greets us whether we are ready or not, prepared for it or oblivious of the waiting cloaked figure with the sickle standing off in the shadows.

I sadly watch as the clock starts to slow down, wending its way towards its inevitable path.  While we know how this story will end, that does not provide comfort today.  I feel like the young child I once was, standing next to my Grandfather, unable to take the key and wind the clock…all I can do is watch.  There is no way to tell how long it will take, but I will take comfort in hearing that clock tick while it still can.

One Eye Looking Forward and One Eye Looking Backward

We were recently watching a series on television where the father had a clear view of the world and how it should be, how we should behave and the paths we should all take.  His adult son also had a clear view of the world and how it should be, how we should behave and the paths we should all take.  From each one’s point of view, they were both correct, yet there was no way that their individual views would ever come into alignment.  I know, you are thinking that I am not making sense – based on the way I described their points of view, they both share the same beliefs…or do they?

When I was growing up, there was the term “Generation Gap” that became a catch all for the differences between generations.  The generation (this was before they were given fancy names) that grew up in the fifties had parents who lived through World War II and were fairly strict and brought their life experiences to the rearing of children.  Those children came from “traditional” homes, where the father worked, the mother tended the house…sort of like living in the world of “Leave it to Beaver.”  Then came the second half of the Sixties, we were in a war no one wanted to be in, youth was experimenting with expanding their minds and new ideas were taking place…the world had changed (a la “Who Moved My Cheese”) and that older generation did not see the newer world.

That time period is an easy example, as the extremes of ideas easily exemplifies two worlds / thoughts colliding.  However, new ideas clashing with old principles and the perception of rebellion have existed long before this humble author stepped foot in this world and will continue past my last breath.  If you merely sit in a group of people and there is a wide range of ages included, you can also see this type of gap, though the differentials might be more subtle.  There is the thought that our perception of reality is filtered through the prism of our experiences.  For those that have lived longer lives, that prism can have many layers of filtering; while those that have lived shorter lives, see things without those filters and can have more hope and expectations towards what tomorrow may bring.  For both, the perception of reality is seen through their eyes…both are correct, from their points of view, and they could perceive each other to be wrong.  For the ones whose eyes are not clouded by past experiences, it is important to explain what potentials exist ahead.  For those that have had the experiences, it is important to share the potential pitfalls and observations gathered.  Once that agreement is in place, instead of being like Janus and only seeing either forward or backward, we can look in one direction, leveraging our accumulated knowledge while forging new paths into the future.

Where Did Our Babies Go?

I was recently talking with someone and we were saying how it is odd that we do not feel like we have changed or grown older.  However, if we look at our children and where they are, it is a completely different story.  Yes, we bare the signs of age - like how my joints make creaking and popping sounds while exercising, or the addition of grey hairs.  In the song “Sunrise, Sunset”, they sing, “I don’t remember getting older, When did they?” rings true.

I recently held a new baby for the first time in many years.  It brought back memories of holding our babies, even though it now seems like ancient history to me.  I cannot believe that I have one daughter who works and one daughter, who travelled for a month and is now going to look for a fulltime job.  Gab is involved as a bride’s maid for her friend who has adopted Debbie and me.  I remember when the hardest thing we had to decide was where should we go and play on the weekend, or who would be taking them to their friends’ parties.  Now, it is picking them up from the airport, helping them with car decisions, and hoping that they remember to let us know what they are doing.  That is a long way away from when they were babies.  Oh, if that is not enough to make me begin to feel old…the baby I was holding was Gab and Bec’s babysitter’s first baby.

It is odd how all of these thoughts rattle around in my head around the Father’s Day Weekend.  I still have my father, for which I am thankful for.  As a father, I am blessed that I have the children that I have.  While I know that it is nice to have a special day to focus on each of our parents, Father’s Day has become a day where my brothers and our families get together, grill some good eats and quaff a few frosty beverages with our dad.  For me, however, I still maintain that Father’s Day for me is every day – I have my children as my gift.  As with a new born, each new thing they do, each new adventure they try and each new accomplishment is as fascinating to watch today as were those small “first steps.”

To Travel the World

In the early 70’s, my parents went to Israel on their anniversary.  I remember that it was such a big deal to make such a venture that all of their friends came over for a bon voyage party.  Similarly, my grandparents went on the QE2 around the same time period and the entire family was able to go onboard for a small party and then watch as the boat pulled out (yes, just like those OLD movies).  Times have changed significantly in the past 40 years!  Today, going on a cruise is a regular vacation option, instead of a special event with a super high price tag.  Same with plane travel.  While people my age did backpack, it was not common to know many people who traveled abroad.

That brings me to Bec, who has her degree in Travel-Tourism and Hospitality and an MBA with a concentration in Hospitality Management.  It would be natural for her to want to travel.  Which is exactly what she is doing!  This is professional research and development at its finest example. 

I am not exactly sure when Bec caught the travel bug.  Yes, she does have a global map which shows where she has traveled.  To put this in terms that are easy to wrap our hands around…she has been to more counties than the number of states that I had been to when I reached her age!  This current adventure started taking shape more than a year ago, always based on starting with a Birthright trip.  Birthright, a non-for-profit organization, which began 20 years ago to provide young adults an opportunity for a free 10-day trip educational trip to discover Israel.  Gab had taken her trip a few years.  Since that time, Bec began planning when she would go.  The cool thing is that after the trip inside Israel, you can travel anywhere, but need to return to Tel Aviv for the free flight home. 

The planning began.  After four years being educated in her field, and having previously planned her and Gab’s trip to Europe two summers ago, the research began.  The key was to do the trip on a very tight budget.  There are free tours available – check.  There are inexpensive places to stay – check.  There are inexpensive means of transportation – check.  Into travel agent mode Bec went, planning the trip for herself and her friend Jenn.  When the planning was completed, a four-week itinerary appeared.  As a parent, it was great to see that the cost of education was being put to personal use.  As a traveler, Bec is also open-minded enough to know that each potential adventure can lead to new experiences, new places and just as importantly, new cuisines.  There is the old saying, “measure twice, cut once.”  Because she took her time and did the proper research, the first half of the trip is going well so far!

When Debbie and I got married, we went to Israel.  I let my father know that we arrived safely by sending a one-page fax for $10.  Times have changed drastically in the past 27.5 years.  Using her cell phone (we could not afford them in 1991), she sent us a message (for free) letting us know that she had arrived safely.  We hear from her regularly and she keeps a travel journal on Instagram (rebeccasroadtrip).  The world has truly become smaller and the ability to keep in touch simpler.  As the R&D continues and based on Bec’s feedback, we now have some ideas of where we would like to go travel in the future.  I hope that whatever path Bec takes, she is able to pursue this passion.  It’s a big world with many exciting places to visit and her journey has just begun!

My Girls are Home!

For the first time in six years, our house is officially home to both of our children.  Our status as empty nesters is temporarily on hold.  Graduation a few weeks ago was a major milestone for Bec and for us as both girls have now finished their formal education.  I use the word formal because education should never truly end, as we all still have many things to learn as we travel through life.  Like a book, we have reached the end of one chapter, and have turned the page to begin a new one.

Gab moved back a year ago as she took a job in this area.  Debbie and I are happy to have her live with us to help provide the opportunity to save money before moving out on her own.  Same now goes for Bec.  And while that is the practical rationale, the truth is, even if this is for a short period, it is a good feeling to have the family back together.  Again, I know that this is temporary, because as much as we would like them to stay, the old adage, “our house, our rules” still applies.  Not sure if that is a negative reflection on us as being unchanging, but we still see our little girls as just that.  I remember, before getting married, when I was at my parent’s home, it felt like at many times they treated me as that little boy who grew up there and only saw the adult Wayne when I was outside their house.  Alright, I will admit, in hindsight it was kind of nice to be pampered, have food prepared for me and have my laundry washed, folded and put away.

Still, in the realm of milestones, the next chapter where we become empty nesters for good cannot be too many years off.  My mom always said to my brothers and me that “…no matter how old you are, you will always be my babies.”  My brothers and I laughed at that.  It has taken decades for that comment to finally catch up with me, as the girls are still our little kids – albeit in grown up form, grown up mannerisms, grown up attitudes, and grown up objectives.  Okay, I just described young adults, not children.  I guess the lesson learned, and the most important thing, is to enjoy them while they are still under our roof.   This should always be a place of comfort, a place of warmth and a place for family to congregate, for as long as Debbie and are able to make it so.

Carrying the Burden

How often do you wake up feeling like you have the weight of the world upon your shoulders?  I do not mean that the entire universe is resting on your shoulder like Atlas, where moving your pinky toe has a ripple effect on the everything in existence; however, some days it might feel like it.  The feeling might come from something you are planning, an event you are looking forward to or a presentation to upper management where the impact can affect future decisions.  We all know people who walk around feeling that the planet revolves around them but seemingly do not feel the burden that I am talking about.

Calling all parents – here is a group who definitely feel these burdens.  As parents, we are concerned about our children and their future and whether or not we have done enough to prepare them for their own lives.  Many of us still have our parents, where once they were our guardians, our teachers and our caregivers.  Today, the roles have begun, if not already, to change.  When I travel, I always have my phone on next to me, just in case my family needs to reach me in an emergency.  Yes, as our children move into the young adult phase, they become more independent, have jobs and can provide for themselves; however, it does ease that stress level up.

There are always the points in our lives where we have to address the choices before us, evaluate the options that stare us in the face and guide the path towards personal and collective futures.  This is where the stress and pressure can really come to a head.  It can be hard for most people to want to take on the responsibilities of ownership when it comes to this topic.  I have had the pleasure of sitting in meetings where we all look around the room waiting for someone to take ownership, knowing whom the correct person for the task should be… being “the person” to make decisions can cause the fear of not making the right choice, being afraid no one will like the decision and discomfort of having all eyes on them.   The people who rise to those occasions, most likely have the same concerns and fears – it is human nature, we all have that little voice (called doubt) chatting away in our heads.

When you feel that sense of burden, remember you are not alone.  Responsibility is not something to take lightly!  We have to remember our goals and objectives.  The causes, the values and the future outcomes we desire are what really make up who we are and the person who we strive to be.  Diligence, consistency and persistence help to negate the feelings of burden.  I still follow the old adage – plan the work, then work the plan in many parts of my life.  Many mornings, when I feel like Atlas with the world pressing down on my shoulders, I take a few minutes before getting out of bed, mentally revisit the activities for the day.  Doing this helps the weight of the world to lift off of my shoulders, because I understand what I need to do to get through the day.  And once the day ends, it is easy enough to review what happened, feel good about facing fears, address issues and accomplish goals and objectives.   

“School’s Out Forever!”

“If the band plays at my graduation party, they have to play School’s Out,” Bec recently informed me.  She is, of course, referring to the iconic Alice Cooper song.  After 17 years of formal education and an MBA, Bec has officially declared that for her, “School is out forever!”  For the child that always poo-poo’d education, the child that always questioned why she had to take certain “useless” courses and the child that accelerated the collegiate timetables to maximize the outcome in the least time available, her school career has come to an end.  For Bec, this year, it is no longer “School’s out for summer,” but instead, “School’s Out Forever!”

“No more teacher, no more books…”

I can safely say, that as a parent, it is a wonderous thing to watch our children grow up, going from the “naked and afraid” newborn to the mature, confident adults that they become.  At some point, they really no longer need our total guidance, nor do they always want our opinions.  OK, that last sentence comes from my own experiences growing up.  Once I was out of college, I was earning my own way (even though I was still living at “home”) and felt that it was my life to mess up if I wanted to.  Rightly and wrongly, I understood that I had to learn from my own mistakes, my parents did not have the same experiences that I had and grew up in a different time with different ways and different thinking.  I am sure my dad thought the same way with his parents and most likely Gab and soon Bec will be as well with us.  For all the things school teaches, independence and guiding your own daily lives is one of them.

“…No more teacher’s dirty looks…”

The two proud parents sat in the auditorium, emotionally driven by seeing our daughter walking down the aisle.  There were the usual people speaking and, of course, some great takeaways.  The CFO, on behalf of the alumni spoke, and told the students to cherish the day as it is truly a once in a lifetime event.  Next up was the honoree Doctorate Degree given to Cindy Bigelow, president and CEO of the #1 specialty tea company that bears her family name.  As a true leader, she exemplifies listening before speaking, such that she met with a delegation of students (of which Bec was honored at being a part of) and crafted her speech based upon the concern of the students’ future.  She spoke from the heart and was very personal in her talk.  Aside from providing strategies (you will find your passion, just have patience), she did remind the students, “…you are not perfect, neither am I, but you are amazing.”

“School’s Out for Summer…”

After the ceremony, we went out to celebrate over lunch.  The place we went to had spiked milk shakes which seemed appropriate.  Then we dropped off Bec and came home.  For the once shy child, the child that did not like going to school, she has grown into a young adult that makes her own decisions and can follow her own path.  It is hard as parents to experience this, but something we all go through.  We only want the best for our children, prepare them for the day they leave the nest and hopefully have built the bridges that maintain our relationships going forward.  Next week, we move Bec back home, officially ending her time staying in Providence.  She has a bright future ahead and we look forward to whatever that brings.  Congrats, Bec, on reaching this milestone and now, on to the next chapter!

“School’s Out Forever!”

Do We Get Older, Or Do Just Our Kids?

Every year, we enjoy the Super Bowl with the same group of people.  Yes, sometimes we might stop over other people homes, but for the most part, we have been with the same group for many years.  This year I was joking with the hostess how no one had beers in their hands and there was no one doing shots.  We must be getting old, I said as I laughed.  “I am sure the guys would do a shot with you,” she responded smiling.  I realized that I really did not want a shot and was quite happy the way I was.

Everyone looks the same as I remember them to look over the years.  OK, there were knee, hip, back issues, etc., that needed to be addressed by some in attendance.  Still, they looked and acted the same.  Talk of grandchildren was in the conversation this year, talk of marriages, talk of…Wait a minute, are we really getting older?  Two days before the Super Bowl, I joked with Gab on her birthday that she is one-year shy of the quarter century mark.  “Dad!  Why would you age me, 24 sounds much younger!”  she responded.

Maybe we are getting older, beginning to show some of the telltale signs of the aging process.  Debbie and I are amongst the younger end of our group of friends; But I can see the birthday ending in a zero only a few years away.  We do not look like I remember my grandparents looking at this age.  My eye doctor would surely let me know that my eyesight is not what it was when I was Gab and Bec’s age.  One thing is true, I believe that we try to be more active than previous generations.  We exercise more, we tend to eat healthier, we tend to plan longer into the future.  I did prepare my daughter by letting her know that when she is 100 years old, I plan to be there…”Oh my G-d, Dad,” she bursted out.

Michael Douglas just got the nod for adding a new Yiddish phrase into the English language when he recently yelled out at the Golden Globes, “Alte kakas rule!”  I guess that becoming an “old fart” can be done with a bit of grace and respect.  At the end of the Super Bowl, the hostess commented that they had bought less food and that even more food was left over than last year.  With the “Oys,” the grunts and creaks of everyone standing up, most people lined up to take a doggie bag for lunches the next day.  I passed the hostess and made the comment, “Don’t tell me they are all taking the softer foods,” to which she laughed while wrapping up an easy to chew “nosh” for the next day for one of our friends.

The Meaning of Legacy?

During a recent conversation, it turned briefly about leaving a legacy.  Does not matter who I was talking to or the general reference, because after we touched on the topic, in one of those rare instances, my mind began to take off on its own direction on leaving a legacy.  What is the importance of leaving a legacy?  What really is a legacy? And, do we have a say in our personal legacies?  It was off to the races and I am sure that I nodded to the person I was speaking to as the conversation went into auto-pilot before they got distracted and moved on.  My mind, over the next few days, continued to revisit this thought though.

There was a point in time, not too long ago, where I thought that a legacy meant having your name adorning a wall somewhere to mark that you have been there.  Not unlike the old “Washington slept here” plaques that were scattered throughout the original 13 colonies.  I have recently come to realize that a name plate would only be a name attached to a list with potentially no meaning behind it.  

Years ago, a highly successful person who had many various successful careers explained success in family terms – that when the future generation see your picture over the mantlepiece, they will know that you were the one that change direction of the family to where they are today.  One of the definitions provided by Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.”  Base on this definition, the legacy is not in the name, but the actions or results of specific actions that are able to be passed from generation to generation.  In my Washington example, it might be nice to know where he rested his head at night, but we all know the impact (legacy) that Washington the man, the leader, the general, the president and, yes, thought leader left behind for all Americans.  

So, my name on a wall might only be a monument to myself.  Hopefully my children will one day point them out and say to their children, “Do you know who that is?”  I know 50-50 percent chance they will say yes.  At that point, I am just another plaque adorning a listing.  If they respond, “Is that our grandfather,” then I have left an impression more than a name.  Changing the course of future possibilities, making a HUGE dent in the universe and leaving a mark behind are all noble endeavors and things we hear people spending significant time worrying over.  I am busy spending my time focusing on the goals in front of me and accomplishing the things that I need to do.  Most importantly, I already have a legacy, whether the name Wayne Zeiler is remembered or not, in that I have a beautiful family, and if I do not dent the universe, hopefully the values and lessons Debbie and I pass on will one cause that Zeiler-down-the-line to do something truly amazing and unique.

Impacts in our Lives

This morning, I was shocked to see a post on Facebook about the passing of person many of us knew over the years.  I stopped and stared.  I am at a point in my life where the various parts of the life cycle are no longer a mystery and as I get older, more people are moving onto the next world.

This one struck me, as a tear rolled down my cheek.  As is with so many people on Facebook, we have been friends for years, but have not seen each other in well over 20 years.  While I have no one person who I can say that was my mentor, this was someone who did have an impact on my life.  As a college kid and a counselor at Camp Eco Lark, I was learning how to deal with my campers:  Lots of yelling, trying to get them to activities, etc.  There was a senior counselor (meaning he taught during the year), who was loud, fun and seemingly everywhere.  His philosophy was to be "big" up front, set down the rules, start off strict, then ease off. Each summer, he followed that process -  it worked and he became one of those beloved people you looked forward to seeing the following year.

He had many good ways to handle new situations, some of which I have adopted.  The advice he once gave me about working with kids, was invaluable.  At that point, I had trouble controlling (I.e., being the leader) and thought yelling and idle threats were the answer. "Once you yell," he told me, " there is nothing more you can do."  Simple advice?  Yes.  However, it caused me to change my approach, find other ways to work with campers and ultimately made me a better counselor.  Watching, learning and using his advice, paid off years later when I became a parent and had my own children.

The impact on me from that summer long ago, and the advice imparted, is something that I have and will always remember.  Paying it forward, I have said similar things to others.  If we take a moment to step back during our lives, there are always people who cross our paths with lessons to teach.  In the month where we are supposed to be grateful for what we have, I am grateful for the life lessons learned.  Remember the people in your lives who knowingly or unknowingly who have positively affected you.  Wherever you are now, Murray, I am grateful that our paths crossed.  I know that wherever the next world takes you, you are making sure that people are laughing, imparting wisdom and impacting souls. 

The Big Reveal

“Close your eyes, and keep them closed until I tell you to open them.”  If anyone grabbed you and told you that you would either be skeptical and walk in with one eye slightly opened, or you would be completely trusting.  On television shows, it is usually done in a home improvement show, where the big reveal is done to the homeowner.  Sometimes they are involved, sometimes not. 

Having been traveling for work, my true big reveal will be when I get home.  Having recently moved back to NJ, Gab wanted to transform her bedroom from her childhood place to a more adult bedroom befitting a young adult.  I remember doing the same growing up.  The room becomes a metaphor on “This is a who I am today, not who I was back then.”  We all grow, we all change. 

There was a handmade picture on the back of the door in our den – when I would exercise, I would look at it and it was part of my day.  One day recently, the picture was gone.  I asked my family what happened.  Bec, without hesitating, told to me (it was her picture from Kindergarten), “I crumpled it up and threw out.” 

“Why did you do that?” I responded.  “I loved seeing that each day when I exercised.”

“Because that does not reflect who I am,” she replied. “The foods I did not like in the picture I now eat and the things that I did not do, I now do.”

I did not get it when she responded and still wish I had taken a picture of it beforehand.  I know it is not who she has become, but I did like having a reminder of where she came from. 

Gab’s room is no different.  I wrote the first half before seeing the finished room.  The big reveal is when I walk in the house.  I am excited for her doing this.  This little project started with an idea, a decision to make a change, selecting between the options, and then putting into action the plan to achieve a desired goal.  As a parent, this is something we hope our children begin to do on their own.  Her room really becomes a metaphor for life – we change, we grow and we should have the conviction to control the path we walk along.  This is part of growing up, maturing and developing as a person. 

As I stepped into her room, a big smile broke out on my face.  The plain white room with her childhood furniture was gone.  In its place was a room full of bright colors and furniture befitting Gab at this point in her life.  I was excited for the big reveal, as it is another sign that my daughter is grown up and becoming the person she wants to be.