Time Together

Over the past 20+ years, I have had the opportunity to travel a decent amount.  The one definite thing is, while I get to go to some neat places, most of the time, I travel alone.  This means that most of the time I eat dinner alone, walk around in my down time alone and have taken tours alone.  There is no glamour to travel like I originally thought prior to the first business trip I took, which was alone.  You learn quickly, that the plane ride, train or car ride are, in reality, just different modes of commuting. 

I do take some pictures and send them back home, but it is not the same as sharing the experience.  This last trip to Ireland, Debbie joined me for most of my time working there.  Let me tell you – it made this trip special, as it was great having her with me – someone to talk to at the end of the day, have dinner with, and explore together.  The ability to share the experiences together as opposed to relating the experience are worlds apart.  Having my wife, my partner and best friend along, to share, to go on adventures with and create memories together are of great value to us.

It is the precious time we spend together that matters most.  We all have the hustle and bustle of daily life pulling us in multiple different directions, sometime we are running around together, sometimes we do so separately.  Working full time takes up most the day, being involved in areas of interest and volunteering takes up time and having a family rounds out our daily, weekly and monthly time.  It is times like this past week that I am thankful to have married my best friend.  While it is nice to know that we are there for each other, it is cool to create that bubble where the two of us can be together.  Most importantly, a trip together reminds us that we still love being together, having adventures and spending valuable time together. 

Awesome Evening Activity - Baking Cookies

“I am participating in a cookie exchange.  Do you want to help bake with me?”

I like to cook, as there is a certain creative aspect to coming up with a rub, or a flavoring, or even a sauce.  However, I am not very adept at baking.  Generally, I would say that I have something else to occupy my time.  As I was thinking about possible answers, Debbie added, “I am going to bake Black and White Cookies.”

I did a double take…who does not like Black and White Cookies?!  She had my attention!

“I’m in!” I responded, probably a bit too quickly.

Together, we read over two different potential recipes.  Debbie had purchased the ingredients to make either one a success.  Baking, especially for me, is all about following the directions.  I kind of understand that certain ingredients combined together can have, as a whole, a different impact than separately.  We put the batter together, then we worked on creating the homemade icing (yup, both vanilla and chocolate).  Once the cookies were out of the oven, we ooo’d and ah’d over the way they had the shape of the cookie.  Next, we each took an icing and did our halves, making sure that the icing met neatly in the middle.

“Boy, it got quiet in here,” Debbie noticed.

“I have to concentrate while putting the icing on,” I responded.

I also got to thinking; part of the fun of this cookie is that it has the two parts.  Many times, I have eaten one side, then the other.  And, sometimes, I go right down the middle.  I realized, that like the cookie, Debbie and I were no different – we were working together to make something as one.  Yes, technically, I mean the cookie…but, symbolically, we work well together as a team.  After all this time together, while we are each individuals, we work well as a whole; in some cases, we are able to accomplish more together than as two separate beings.  The importance of the two halves took on new meaning…

Finally, the icing was applied to the last cookie.  The long moment we had been waiting for had arrived – did this awesome looking treat taste as good as they looked?  We both manned our own cookie and, true to past eating, tried one side, then the other.  Mmmm – that was great!  The time and effort together in the kitchen had yielded a most tasty treat.  Together, we baked; together, we had a fun night; together, we created magic…

On 26 Years of Marriage

Someone once asked, “What is the secret to a successful marriage?”  I do not remember if I answered immediately or not; but I am sure I realized that it is not one secret action to make it so.  I have known Debbie for 28+ years and at the end of the week, we will be married 26 years.  At this point, it is hard to recall a time in my adult life without her.  Yes, occasionally something will come up in conversation from the gap between college and meeting Debbie, but not often.  I am quite OK with my entire adult life being fully intertwined with Debbie.

As my anniversary approaches, it is a good time to reflect upon our lives together and, in a way, answer the question I was asked.  For me, I find that our successful includes, but is not limited to:

• Being able to have shared experiences
• Best travel partner
• Raising children together
• Supporting each other in bad times
• Supporting each other in good times
• Working together when faced with difficult decisions
• Realizing that sometimes the sum of the parts is better / stronger than the individual parts
• We are a team that works together
• Love helps a lot, but is not the only thing
• Spending time with my best friend
• We are always there for each other
• Having a shoulder to cry on, when needed
• Realizing that we are different
• Being able to share with each other, no matter how trivial it might be
• Getting instant feedback
• Knowing that sometimes we can do things separately
• Appreciating each other’s activities
• Creating memories together
• Knowing that when we come home, we have each other and we are not alone
• Looking forward to many more happy years ahead

Is marriage easy?  Like anything else, as the old adage goes, you get out what you put in.  Whenever you have someone else involved, you have to be considerate of them, include them in your activities and help support them.  That does take work and effort…at times.  After 26 fantastic years together, these types of things have become part of what we do; and it is not always fun and games.  When rough patches hit, we face them and we do that together.  As Debbie has said to me, “we are a team,” and I, personally, could not have asked for a better teammate!

The Caregiver

When we marry, part of what the person officiating says is to the couple getting married, as part of the vows, is that this is “…in sickness or in health…”  These are important words to commit to the person we marry out of love and care.  We heard this a few weeks ago when Monica got married.  We heard this 25.5 years ago when Debbie and I got married.  We heard this 11.5 years ago when Jeff and Magda got married.

The picture above is of my brother, Jeff, who we are very proud of.  Jeff belongs to the small, and sometimes overlooked, category of people called caregivers.  My first introduction to this group of special people came when we used to walk in the Relay for Life.  A caregiver is a family member who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.  The program spent time talking about the caregivers, had a caregiver speech and a dedicated lap for them to walk.  Today, I want to take some time on one special caregiver – my brother, Jeff.

Last week, I wrote about the loss of my sister-in-law, Magda.  During most of her battle with cancer, Jeff did what any caring, loving husband would do.  He searched out the best doctors to provide the best care for his wife.  Whether the doctor was local, in New York City, or even in Houston, they went to provide the best chances for extending Magda’s life.  Last May, while visiting my dying aunt (also of cancer) in Florida, Magda lost her balance and fell.  Unfortunately, this was a sign that the cancer she had been fighting had begun to affect her lower body, and after that, Magda no longer walked.

When married and the times are good, it is easy to live by the wedding vow “…in health…”, however, the true mettle of the relationship is tested at times when “…in sickness…” is unfortunately added the couple.

Jeff immediately learned how to move and, at times, carry Magda.  You see, years ago, in one of her surgeries, Magda had ribs removed.  While this resolved the crises at that point, she was left with constant pain.  Moving her, Jeff always had to consider how to place his arms.  My brother still needed to work, so for the month of July and August, he had daytime help – Gab (proud of her for helping).  As the summer ended, and the need to still work, Bec (proud of her) helped find and hire an aide.  Even though Jeff was the around the clock caregiver, he still needed to work and run errands.  Last year, Magda wanted to do a girls trip to Aruba.  Debbie (proud of her), was the caregiver on the trip. 

The sad thing about cancer is that, unless you are in remission, you continue to deteriorate over time.  This meant that Jeff had to take on more roles.  Laying in the same position, whether a bed, a chair or a couch, can lead to sores.  Jeff had to become the nurse.  Over the last six months, I cannot begin to list out the different things that Jeff learned in caring for Magda.  It had reached the point where no family member could help for more than a few hours.  For Jeff to go on an errand, play hockey, have band practice, etc., someone had to be with Magda.  Jeff went above and beyond what most people would do for a spouse.  Caregiver, aide, and nurse – due to the level of care provided, he learned to survive with little sleep.  When we had band practice, there was the walkie-talkie on the music stand and the running up between songs to check on Magda.  Towards the end, Debbie, or other friends would sit with Magda so that Jeff could play, as this was much needed down time for him.

When asked about bringing in more help, Jeff responded, “I want to spend as much time together as we can.” That is devotion; that is the commitment one makes in the wedding vows when they say “…in sickness or in health…”  Jeff tended and cared for Magda right up to the end.

As a family, we are all pulling together to care for the caregiver that gave so much of himself, in a truly selfless manner.  We still need Jeff in our lives.  I do not yet know if there is a cure for a broken heart, a salve to ease the pain of loss, or an ointment to make happy memories not bring on tears.  What I do know, is that like the way Magda leaned on Jeff, it is now time for Jeff to lean on us.  We are proud for the example that he provided and we will be there for him while he goes through the tough road ahead.