The Blame Game

Even though the elections are over, fingers are still being pointed about the final outcome.  And so, the Blame Game has begun.  We are in the midst of learning who is to blame for the outcome of the election, who we can blame for the process and, most importantly, start preparing for whom we can blame going forward.  As someone that looks for lessons and likes to share that knowledge, good leaders are often the examples to follow – I am not so sure that what I am seeing are examples of good leadership.  For me, a good leader takes ownership of their actions, will “take the blame for failures” while passing on the successes to the appropriate team member, work as part of a team towards a common goal and understands the needs of the people they are leading.  Which brings me to the current election cycle…

To start with, let’s look at the current blame being thrown around (closely aligned with its partner in crime – excuses).  The big glaring blame is losing an election due to mail fraud, which has now turned into the excuse for losing.  Yes, I am certain there is some element of this, but without substantial proof this is passing the blame on, without reflecting on the portrayal of oneself.  Then there is the blame of “We lost because of a group’s position within our party.”  Really?  This makes people wonder what they were doing during the campaign process and how they did not realize they were not connecting with their potential constituents. Goes back to fact that a leader needs to listen, which many candidates did not.  And of course, the classic, “It’s not my fault.” Aside from campaigning, it is safe to say that votes are won by candidates based on how we perceive the person running for office, not necessarily their policies and platforms. For those that are undecided and see a candidate acting unprofessional and being a jerk towards others, will vote against you, regardless of your position on important matters.

The bad thing is that there is already pointing the blame for things that have not happened yet, but instead planning for future failure.  To me this is odd because this is planning for failure, already lining up whom to blame and the excuses you will give.  By already planning these out, they can easily pull the “I told you so.”  Folks, I have to be honest – these are the people we elected to lead…if they are planning for failure, why did we select them?  In any leader, I would prefer seeing them say this is what I stand for (the reason we should be electing people, not by looks or demeanor), doing their best and then we all can evaluate the job.  They fail, because they failed and not because other circumstances made it impossible to stand up for themselves.  I do not want to hear, “We did not have enough people” means they did not try working together (aka, never learned to play together in the sand box).  “I did this for you and now you MUST do this for me” is also pathetic.  Elections are won (or lost) by the majority and everyone should feel they helped, not a mindset of entitlement based on “my group pushed you over the line,” which is extremely difficult to validate.  As Abraham Lincoln so aptly stated, our government is a “Government of the people, by the people, for the people…”  I think many elected officials forget that and are more concerned about partisan politics instead of what is best for the people that put them in those positions.

Playing the Blame Game means that we do not have to take a step back to really take a look at the bigger picture.  If you pass enough blame around, throw in a heavy dosage of excuses, you might reach the point where everyone feels sorry for you, or depending on how you are playing the game, you might come off as the “boy that cried wolf.”  Bob Dylan, in the song “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)” stated so well, when he sang “…even the president of the United States Sometimes must have to stand naked.”  At the end of a day when playing the Blame Game, we still have only ourselves left to stand bare to the truths, whether we are the president or not.  Those that still decry, “I won, it was stolen,” or “…at least we have the gavel…” have to be able to live with themselves.  As far as I am concerned, not only those playing the Blame Game lose, unfortunately, we the spectators do not always win.

Caveat emptor, it is now your turn to spin the wheel on The Blame Game.

I Got This!

“I got this!”  How many times have we heard this?  How many times have we said this?  There are two outcomes – you got this, own whatever you got and complete whatever it is.  Or, you do not got it, never took ownership and dropped the ball.  In the first case, you take the required action based on your commitment.  This brings up my favorite definition of commitment – Doing the things that you said you would do long after the moment you said it has passed.  In the second case, all you did was provide lip service, whether to make yourself feel good or to answer the way you think your audience wants to hear it.  Which brings up the question, how many times have you heard these words and knew enough up front that they were just words? 

Raising your hand and agreeing to do something = ownership, accountability and responsibility.  These can be scary words as it puts the pressure on us, causes people to keep an eye on our actions and requires us to take action.  Commitment has a cost, as it locks you into following through, answer to your actions and complete what you set out to do.  Sometimes we are assigned things to do, sometimes we volunteer and sometimes things just land in our laps.  Obviously, we are more apt to gravitate to the tasks or roles that we volunteer for, as it aligns with our passions, provides interest and piques our curiosity.  In all cases, once it falls in our lap, it is ours until someone else picks up the mantle and “runs with it.”

When we do not follow through with our commitments, we let down not only ourselves, but others around us.  We need to realize that working in a group, or team environment, each person relies on each other for a mutual goal.  Like a giant game of Jenga, there are pieces that will not have an impact and others that can topple the entire structure.  The complexity is increased when all of the components seem the same and there appears to be little differentiation.  I understand, as there was a point in my life (a long time ago) where I found it easier to make a loose fist, stick out my index finger, point it and magically plant the blame on someone else.  This made life seem easier.  Why? Because if it is someone else’s fault, then the pressure is off you and you feel that you can walk away unscathed.  In reality, you did not fool anyone, as the mess created by the lack of ownership still has to be addressed and now falls into someone else’s lap.

We are all familiar with the plaque that sat on the desk of President Truman’s famous words, “The buck stops here.”  Good words for anyone in a leadership position, as these words apply whether in our home life, work life or other aspect, the buck always should stop with us.  When you are the person at the top, there is nobody to blame, no excuses, but to own the things that we commit to. 

On the Inside Looking Out

I have barely stepped outside this week.  No, I am not infected nor under quarantine.  Nor am I afraid of getting sick myself.  It is easy to follow the guidelines for social distancing, washing our hands and making smart choices.  If we each lived on our own special island, this would be a piece of cake to follow.  For all the times you were driving your car, going at the correct speed limit and maintaining a safe distance to the car in front of you, did some jerk going way over the speed limit cut in front of you to get to the lane to your right, then weave through every car across all of the lanes in front of you?  There is a good chance that the same person is ignoring the healthy guidelines in place to combat COVID-19.  In a car, you can tap the brakes to avoid any accidents; however, when you are innocently in the public, you can be fully exposed.

I had to make another tough choice this week.  This time it was personal in nature.  My father has been in Florida since October and I have been looking forward to visiting him.  I spent the majority of January and February traveling for work, so March became the time I had to go to Florida and spend with my father and my brother (who is in Florida for a few months).  Yes, I have been looking forward to the visit and figured out how to go to Florida, then fly, return trip, from there for work back up here.  Everything was falling into place and after many months of just talking on the phone, I would be able to see my dad face-to-face.  “Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht” (Man plans, G-d Laughs) and the best laid plans were tossed out the window, as I have sadly cancelled my trip.  While I am healthy and able, I cannot take the chance that the jerk in my car example above might be next to me, one plane seat over or sneeze as they are walking by.  In that case, I potentially could infect others…especially my father.

When you are on a plane, and they are going through the safety measures, they tell you to take the oxygen first, then help other.  While this seems selfish, to help yourself before someone else, I would need to be in a good condition.  This analogy works in many parts of life, related to health, finances, etc.  As we face this unknown pandemic, where we have no idea where this will lead, the impact on us and the long range effects, for me to remain healthy means that I will do what I can so that I will not contaminate others, will be able to lend a hand if needed and help to watch over my family.  While it might look like my health is selfish – by maintaining my health, I should be able to protect others (in this case).  If there is one thing that I have learned over the past many years, I am not the only one who lives on this planet called Earth.  While I might consider myself as #1, it would be a lonely place to live if #1 meant there was no one else to be with.  Make wise choices to not only protect yourself, but to keep others safe as well.

The Hard Decision

To close or not to close…that was the question plaguing me all week long.  As President of our synagogue, I looked towards President Truman for guidance when he stated that “The buck stops here.”  As with all organizations, there are boards, advisors, officers and others in leadership positions – as was recently put to me, we all report to someone - I never felt such a weight as what to do.  “The choice is easy,” was what I had heard.  True, when it comes down to yes or no, then I have only two options to select from.  Easy, but not so simple.  When there are a large group of people that you are responsible for, when there is a perception about your organization, when you wonder about the long range impact of the decision, and, when you wonder how it fell onto your shoulders, the simple yes or no makes you feel like Atlas with the entire world on your shoulders.

Two weeks ago, there was only a threat of the Novel Coronavirus impacting the United States.  People began avoiding certain beers (with a similar), avoiding ethnic foods, etc., which all made for good jokes…at that time.  However, when the media made the decision to have the Coronavirus the most important story of all time, politicians used this as fodder for their attacks and positioning, we the people had no where to turn.  I merely scan the headlines, and I do not listen nor watch the news.  If there is something that impacts me, or is really important, I will find out about it.  The Covid-19?  There is no way, unless you live in a hole in the middle of nowhere could you miss this.  Separating fact from fiction, the origin, who is responsible, etc. is enough to make me close and lock my front door just to keep it all out. 

Back to having a level head, not falling victim to mass hysteria and taking things in their proper perspective:  The CDC on their website states that “…some people are at higher risk of getting very sick from this illness. This includes:

·         Older adults

·         People who have serious chronic medical conditions like:

o   Heart disease

o   Diabetes

o   Lung disease”

At 57, I am one of the younger people in our congregation.  Which means that we have members falling into the CDC’s classification for higher risk. 

Which brings me to the decision at hand.  The synagogue is supposed to be, as all religious institutes, a safe place to congregate, pray and socialize.  We come together in good times and in bad.  A part of our community’s lives revolve around that place of brick and mortar.  But, if one person, no matter how remote, became the “Typhoid Mary” of our community, we are left with the single question, “Did we do enough to protect our people?”  Leaders lead and at the end of the day, must make decisions for the benefit of all, not him or herself, not for one group, but for everyone.  That is the hard part, whether there is a pandemic or just choices that are needed for the future.  Though the building is dark for today, we are still here for those in need and look forward to when the doors reopen for a brighter tomorrow.

To Be or Not To Be 25 Again

During the Super Bowl, it was great to see the “Ground Hog’s Day” commercial with Bill Murray, which made sense, as both Ground Hog’s Day and the Super Bowl were on the same day.  Besides acting as a reminder to a fun movie, it was great to see the theme revisited with so much fun.  As the week progressed, it did make me think about having the opportunities to do something over, recycle a portion of my life, or just start over again.  Of course, this is merely a mental exercise, but it does make one stop and think about what if we could have a redo?  Would things turn out different or would they be the same?

Juxtaposition this with having a child that just turned 25.  While she comments on the quarter century mark, us older folk remember (although through tinted glass, aka the filters of time) where we were when we were that age.  I actual had a conversation with someone that stated that even though she is ten years older than Gab, she found a huge difference in time.  At 35, she knew where she was in life, where she wants to head and had experienced enough of life to understand things better.  At 25, she remembered not being sure of the future, still trying to “figure things out” and being a bit rudderless.  When I turned 25 (that would have been 1987), I was still living at home, was on my first adult job and was pretty much clueless on my life and where I wanted to go.  So, yeah, I would have to agree with the assessment that I heard.

What about having a chance to go back and do it all over again?  Aside from the fact that I would have my 25-year-old body and all the energy that it would bring, would I really want to go back, even with knowing what I know today?  I have gathered 32 years more of life experience, have a pretty good understanding of where I am, have a direction my life is going, and I have a great wife and family.  I am where I am based on what has happened to me and am comfortable with the results.  Would I want to go back, tamper with my success (and failures)?  To be honest, if I would end up exactly where I am at, it would be fun.  But if not…I cannot fathom a different life, a different spouse, a different family.  I am happy where I am at.  So, while repeating Bill Murray’s day over and over has some measure of fun, I am happy to have this point in life and all it has to offer.  How about you?

Facing Your Naked Self

Do you ever stand naked in front of a mirror?  I know this sounds like a line from the movie “Airplane”.  I mean this more in a philosophical sense rather than a literal sense.  Have you ever stood naked in front of a mirror to evaluate the person who you see staring back at you?  Have you taken that time to honestly evaluate what you are looking at, to think of how that person fits into the universe and to decide who that person really is?  Yes, you can do this fully dressed, but you better be willing to see the person who resides in the clothing that can be visually used as the definition of you.

We recently watched a movie where one of the characters was referred to as a trier, which is defined in Urban Dictionary as “a person who tries way too freakin’ hard.”  In other words, someone who tries to be someone who they are not.  A conversation I overheard was along the same lines, how the individual they were discussing acts like a different person at work than in a more social setting.  There are many circumstances in life where we are in a position where we want to be accepted, where we want to impress others and where we feel that we have to act like everyone around us.  If we think, feel and act like the majority of people, what have we done to differentiate ourselves, stand up for what we really believe in and present ourselves as we are? 

My parents used to tell the story about how when I was a child, I was a bit oblivious to what was going on around me and preferred to do things my own way.  I spent many summers at a wonderful place called Camp Echo Lark, where in the early days, we used to have a dress code.  The camp colors were green and gold, so our clothes were green and white.  Each morning, they would announce the “dress” for the day, meaning the shirt color and the pants color.  On visiting day, when all of the parents arrived, they saw a sea of children wearing the “dress” for that day.  My parents spotted me immediately, as I was the only camper not wearing white socks like every other camper.

Back to the mirror…as you stand before yourself, you might want to ask – are you wearing the white socks to fit in with everyone else, or are you wearing some other color?  Are you being who you are, or are you trying to be someone else?  Look, we all have people we admire, successful people who we wish to mirror and heroes whose footsteps we want to walk in.  We are not, however, the net sum that made those people what they are in experience, in livelihood and in ambition.  We are merely who we are.  As you stand there in the breeze, be honest about who you are, your strengths and your desires.  Strive to be the best you that you can be, and become the person who you were meant to be.  Only then can you be comfortable with the bare reflection that stares back at you.

On Being President

I have to confess – being a president of an organization is not easy.  Keep in mind the plaque that Harry S Truman used to display, “The buck stops here.”  When things go well, it is great: you are happy to point out those who achieved, there is a sense of pride in the group that you are leading, a feeling that you can accomplish anything and a general aura of happiness.  When things go less than well, it is not so great: there is no one else to blame, there is a feeling of the weight of the world on your shoulders, the thoughts swirling in your head that you backed yourself into a corner and a general feeling of disappointment.  In either case, you still have to go out with a smile on, say the words to encourage others to attain their best and continue to strive for goals and objectives.  The role comes with no set hours, no physical office and plenty of opinions.

OK, I framed this as being the president of the Jewish Community Center of Paramus / Congregation Beth Tikvah.  I could have swapped out the word president for leader…or head of household…or manager…or any other leadership title.  Sure – the size of the group / organization, the number of people involved, the magnitude of the decisions are different, there is a varying level of stress related to them and the number of eyes that watch your every move differ; it is still the case where others look to you to…lead.  While all leaders have different personalities, different methods and different ways of relating, the role is anything but passive.  This is an active role, where you need to be on your best game most of the time.  As a parent, you have to lead your family in life, teach your children the virtues that will help them in their lives and manage a household.  Any leadership role has a component of guiding others, providing some form of education and management.  In all related situations, it is how you react, how you handle yourself and how you communicate to others that matters.

I was once taught that good leaders are in the front of the group that they lead (yes, like they sing in Peter Pan, “we’re following the leader…”), rather than standing in the back and dictating where everyone should go.  The importance is doing, as most people observe by watching what others do and how they react.  There is the story about Mahatma Gandhi, where a mother brings her son to the famous and says, “Can you tell my son to not eat sweets.”  Gandhi looked at the boy and said to the mother come back next week.  The following week, the mother did as she was instructed and once again stood before this great man and says, “Can you tell my son to not eat sweets.”  Gandhi looked at the boy and told him to stop eating sweets.  Dumbfounded, the mother asks why he could not say that last; to which Gandhi replied, “Last week, I was eating sweets.”  The lesson is simple, never ask someone to do something that you yourself are not willing to do nor have not done before.  Leaders lead.

Vince Lombardi said, “Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile!”  He is right – there is a lot of hard work that happens.  There was hard work prior to taking on the role.  There is hard work that is on-going.  There is still hard work ahead.  The time spent reading, learning and developing relationships and discussing ideas set the groundwork.  Continuing to paint visions, continuing to build relationships and constantly re-evaluating and learning from every action / reaction helps us to learn from the past to move forward.  This has been a learning experience and has taken many more hours than I would have thought.  As I have reached the end of my first year and started the second year, I am happy with the journey, thankful for my family and their support, appreciative for the help / advice of many friends (old and new) and truly happy for the community which I, for a temporary point in time, have been given leadership.  It is truly about the communities we live in.  Helen Keller said it well when she said, “Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much.”

Creativity on Pause?

After 297 blog posts, starting late in 2013, posting every Monday – Have I run out of new thoughts, ideas and experiences to write about?  In that time, I have missed only two weeks and that was within the last couple of months.  I like the creative outlet, the chance to share thoughts, and to journal my world.  As we went into last weekend, I did not have an article prepared.  Well, not ready would be more like it.  I had started the article, the topic was relevant (to my life), but the execution was not meaningful.  My main editor as of late (that would be Gab) asked why I did not have a backlog of articles.  There are times when I have a backlog, depending on my creative flow of thoughts. 

It would seem, at least to me, that there are times where we are engaged in certain things / activities and at some point, after years or some significant time, we want to take a step back and re-evaluate where we are at, where we are going, and the overall value of what we are doing.  I guess one way to visualize this thought is to see the way athletes’ function, who during their careers are in peak physical condition and shortly after they retire, so do their bodies.  I saw this with my grandfather – he was in the food business and had a fantastic sense of taste.  Then he decided to retire, and shortly afterwards his taste buds decided to follow the same course, as fine dining was replaced by mediocre buffets.  To maintain the same high level / standards, it requires diligence, persistence and consistency which takes energy and time. 

I started writing to fulfill something that I had always wanted to do, but never had a fully fleshed out an idea enough to be a book.  This shorter form, blogging, met that desire and still brings me pleasure.  OK, the creative pictures that I include also fulfill that creative notion.  Having missed a week, nobody noticed…which means that if I stop, would anyone say anything?  Truth is, I would notice.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, I enjoy the challenge that this signifies to me and I enjoy the fact that I can point to something I have done consistently.

Jascha Heifetz, considered amongst one of the greatest violinists, is also known for saying, “If I don't practice one day, I know it; two days, the critics know it; three days, the public knows it.”  The fact that he acknowledges himself first in the list shows the integrity of his approach towards his art and ability.  While it is easy to take a break, step back or go on hiatus, it is easier to remain idle than to start up again.  The old example of a steam engine – where there is an immense amount of energy expended to start the train moving, so much so that a rock on the track could stop the entire process.  But, once in motion, that same train will crush through anything in its way while using little energy.  That is the power of momentum.  While I missed last week, it was merely a bump in the road and now it is back to doing what I enjoy.

Commitment and Follow Through

“I do!”  Those two words are instantly recognized as the moment two people ceremoniously commit to each other during a wedding.  Two people in love, getting ready to join (formally) together for the future.  We recently went to a friend’s daughter’s wedding and my thoughts wandered to thinking about the times when we commit and the ability to actually follow through.

The key question is - What does it mean to commit, and does it stop once you say yes?  Coming up on my 27^th wedding anniversary, the commitment to Debbie has never stopped.  Being a father (yes, the commitment was before the action) is a commitment to Debbie and both Gab and Bec.  Anyone I have worked for, I have been committed to provide to the best of my ability towards the company’s success.  Now that I am a volunteer president, I have committed to serve my community / congregation.  Saying “Yes” is the easy the part; it is what follows that proves if one is up for the challenge, willing to exceed expectation and prepared to own up (take responsibility) for one’s actions.  The saying “actions speak louder than words” is true when following up on the commitment.  For all activities, whether we realize it or not, there is a bar set for us (expectations), it is how we strive to surpass the bar, or our attitude towards our goals and the perception of us that determines our success.  Our own commitments and actions start on day one.

To evaluate the commitment of others, this becomes more of a two-fold task.  First is our perception of their commitment (based on the things mentioned previously) and holding them accountable for their actions.  The first is easier.  We are all critics of what we see, are we not?  The second, however, is more difficult.  This includes providing constructive feedback and advice and reviewing their actions, all in relation to the expectations set up front and the outline of the role.  Yes, employee reviews go under this. The first time I did an employee review, I had no idea what I was doing.  Since then, I have learned to be better at it.  Being a parent?  Yup, that’s right, this is something we help and teach our children.

As we watched the beautiful ceremony, both the bride and the groom looked so happy, standing under the chupah, smiling as the Rabbi finished up the ceremony.  And with those two words, “I do,” both young adults publicly made their commitments, first the bride to the groom and then the groom to the bride.  Together, they have taken that all important step and now comes the work of creating a lifetime together.

I’ll Get You my Pretties!

They are out there to get you!  Looking to derail your goals, your hopes and ambitions.  Like some gremlin hiding in the corner, they seem to work tirelessly at their task.  We have all come across people in our lives that say you cannot do something – whether it was a teacher, a friend or a family member.  And sometimes, it is ourselves that work to talk us out of doing something.  We get into our own heads, and we also let others get into our heads, like the wicked witch yelling, “I’ll get you my pretties!”

In the song “Good Old Days,” Macklemore sings (as an example of getting into one’s own head),

“Wish I made it to homecoming

Got up the courage to ask her

Wish I would've gotten out of my shell”

Our own voice in our head, at times seems to be constantly riffing about something or other.  We have the ability to talk ourselves out of most things.  Or, we sit there and analyze all potential aspects, begin to procrastinate, then get nothing accomplished (this happens sometimes when I am writing).  We experience “paralysis through analysis.”  It takes practice to step back from ourselves and clear our minds so that we can focus on what we need to.  When I was in network marketing, the way to pique people’s interest was through a phone call.  There were many times that instead of taking direct action, I sat there in front of the phone, hand on the receiver, and had a massive dialog going on in my head, then made no calls.  I was my own worst enemy!

Then we let other people get into our heads.  There can be an emotional component in this case, depending on who is chirping in our ears (or other communication method).  I know someone who seems to have lost their way, became bitter and began to weave a world of half-truths, fabrications and causes to point their finger at others instead of taking the time to evaluate what hand they played to have the situation unfold and the position they put themselves in.  When this person sends out an attack, it has the potential to get in my head, the emotions kick in and I want to respond in like kind.  Once I take a deep breath, or Debbie reminds me, I take that proverbial step back, realize the source and then move on.  My daughter Gab pointed out to me that during the daily morning news broadcast on Z100, they advise to take a deep breath every hour in order to regroup yourself.

When under an attack, it is all too easy to drop our guard and drop down to their level and do something that might be out of character.  This can undermine our integrity and cause us to lose focus.  This is why Darren Hardy, Jim Rohn, and the many other mentors, talk about removing the negative people and things from our lives.  It is hard enough to maintain focus and remember to stay on track without unnecessary distractions.

While the story of the “Wizard of Oz” has led to various analysis regarding the main characters, the basic story is simple.  Dorothy is removed from her home and all she wants to do is get back home.  She starts off knowing her WHY (to go home).  After talking (and listening), she learns the path, or the HOW, that she has to take (“Follow the Yellow Brick Road”) and the tasks needed, the WHAT.  The Wicked Witch is a constant negative distraction, but in the end, Dorothy remains true to herself, over comes / removes the negative factors, and achieves her goal.  A great example to follow.  Who or what are the wicked witches in your life?