In Times of Transition

It is time for a transition.  To modify the phase from the movie “Risky Business,” “Transition happens.”  The Oxford dictionary defines transition as “…the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.”  I feel like I just went through a transition, now I am preparing for yet another transition and a short way down the road, there will be yet another transition.  With a transition in life, in work, in roles and in attitudes, there seems to be no end to this in sight.

As a child, I remember going to school, playing outside, playing with friends and family mystery car rides.  Yes, we had mystery car rides where our parents would pick out something to do, not tell us and off in the car we would go.  Sometimes it was an amusement park (most of those from that time are gone, like Bertram’s Island), sometimes it was to some ice cream place with an arcade, sometimes it was…I do not even remember.  One time, I swear it is true, we were driving up route 17 and they announced on the radio that the Zeiler Family was out driving on a mystery car ride.  I never figured out how my dad pulled that one off…but I digress.  Our transitions, when we were young, were the BIG EVENTS: changing schools, reaching a religious milestone (in my case, my Bar Mitzvah), or getting a first real job.

In this past year, I feel that I have been involved in many transitions – I started the year transitioning to a new company, to new roles in the company and to different clients (normal in consulting).  We watched and were part of our children’s transition from graduating college, moving back home, to job changes, to a first real job and to other interests.  As president of an organization, I have been part of some small transitions which included changing mindsets, addressing real issues (which, like change, people tend to avoid), opening new doors and within the next six months, transitioning out of this role.  They say life is like a roller coaster, pull the bar down and hang on.  Yup, I can see that.

Transitions happen like a river, forever moving forward and never giving the chance to stand still.  It is important to take advantage of this while you are still able to do so.  As we begin the last few days of 2019 and move forward into the next decade, it is time to plan out the goals and objectives for 2020.  It is a time for transition…for all of us.

Happy New Year!

Facing Your Naked Self

Do you ever stand naked in front of a mirror?  I know this sounds like a line from the movie “Airplane”.  I mean this more in a philosophical sense rather than a literal sense.  Have you ever stood naked in front of a mirror to evaluate the person who you see staring back at you?  Have you taken that time to honestly evaluate what you are looking at, to think of how that person fits into the universe and to decide who that person really is?  Yes, you can do this fully dressed, but you better be willing to see the person who resides in the clothing that can be visually used as the definition of you.

We recently watched a movie where one of the characters was referred to as a trier, which is defined in Urban Dictionary as “a person who tries way too freakin’ hard.”  In other words, someone who tries to be someone who they are not.  A conversation I overheard was along the same lines, how the individual they were discussing acts like a different person at work than in a more social setting.  There are many circumstances in life where we are in a position where we want to be accepted, where we want to impress others and where we feel that we have to act like everyone around us.  If we think, feel and act like the majority of people, what have we done to differentiate ourselves, stand up for what we really believe in and present ourselves as we are? 

My parents used to tell the story about how when I was a child, I was a bit oblivious to what was going on around me and preferred to do things my own way.  I spent many summers at a wonderful place called Camp Echo Lark, where in the early days, we used to have a dress code.  The camp colors were green and gold, so our clothes were green and white.  Each morning, they would announce the “dress” for the day, meaning the shirt color and the pants color.  On visiting day, when all of the parents arrived, they saw a sea of children wearing the “dress” for that day.  My parents spotted me immediately, as I was the only camper not wearing white socks like every other camper.

Back to the mirror…as you stand before yourself, you might want to ask – are you wearing the white socks to fit in with everyone else, or are you wearing some other color?  Are you being who you are, or are you trying to be someone else?  Look, we all have people we admire, successful people who we wish to mirror and heroes whose footsteps we want to walk in.  We are not, however, the net sum that made those people what they are in experience, in livelihood and in ambition.  We are merely who we are.  As you stand there in the breeze, be honest about who you are, your strengths and your desires.  Strive to be the best you that you can be, and become the person who you were meant to be.  Only then can you be comfortable with the bare reflection that stares back at you.

New Year 5780

It is once again that time of year where we wish our friends and family a sweet New Year.  It is also that time of the year, once again, where we have the opportunity to take stock in what we have accomplished, to assess the goals that have fallen short and to think about where we need to be in the upcoming year.  Some years I find that things go as planned, other years I am off the mark.  The years where things go well, I look forward to review how I did.  The other years, I look towards the review less excited but know that to get better in the future I have to go through with it.  Either way, it is that time of year.

This past year, 5779, was one of the good years!  On the personal front, Bec has graduated from college and I am now proud of both of my working girls.  Debbie and I had a great year together, working together as a couple, being supportive best friends and enjoying facing life together.  On the professional front, I have successfully changed jobs, shifting back into the consulting world and became an authorized trainer.  On the volunteer front, I am still the president of my synagogue, where I think we made a small dent in their universe and have worked towards changing peoples’ mindset.  The year was productive! 

One thing is certain – We each need to measure our successes on our own merit, our own goals and our own lives.  We are each our own person and must remember that as we review our year, we look at it through our own eyes, through our abilities and our desires.  It is easy to fall into the trap of, “I did not do as good as so-and-so,” “How come so-and-so got X while I did not,” and “I should have done, like so-and-so.”  As we look towards the next year, we should set our sights on the things we wish to accomplish, the help we wish to provide to others and the personal growth we wish to develop. 

Choose your path wisely, set reasonable goals and be diligent in following the path in front of you.

Here’s to a Meaningful, Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 5780!

We Have A Substitute Teacher!

I am sure that we all have stories about our elementary and middle school substitute teachers.  Come on – you remember…right?  You would walk into the classroom and for whatever reason, your regular teacher was absent.  Everyone would sit in a different seat, spitballs would be flying through the air and that wad of wet toilet paper would find its way to attach to the chalkboard (yes, my time was way before smart boards).  I remember we referred to a teacher as Mrs. Head, because we thought her head was rather large.  Of course, while trick or treating later that year, we found out that she lived across the street from one of our friends and was a really nice lady…we instantly felt bad about what we had done.  Most of the time, word did get back to our teachers and to our parents.  Now that my daughter is a teacher, last year she had to handle a class that acted that way when she was absent.

Looking back as an adult, we were just out to have a little fun and take advantage of the situation.  In hindsight, we were wrong and being mean spirited to someone that was doing their job and helping us.  As kids, we should know better, but have not fully learned restraint.  Hiding behind the old adage, “when the cats are away the mice will play” is not an excuse.  Unfortunately, there are times where we are in situations where adults act similarly.  With children, you can give them an extra assignment, have them write an essay on how to treat people or give them detention.  But, what can one do to adults, where an assignment, essay or detention can not be administered?  I spent the last two weeks in meeting with adults and when breaktime was over, they went back to their seats and were fully engaged.  I teach adults and do not have an issue.  But in both cases, while I was an unknown person, I was not treated like a substitute.

OK, I get it.  One of the emotions that we continue to have is being excited.  This gets us charged up, an opportunity to push boundaries (whether consciously or not) and show passion.  There is an old adage – he who controls the agenda, controls the meeting.  Looking back over the many years, most of our substitute teachers did not walk into the classroom and take control.  Do not get me wrong, there were some substitute teachers that were able to walk in and control the classrooms; those were the ones you were always happy to have and looked forward to seeing.  I never apologized to Mrs. Head or the others that our classes took advantage of.  As an adult, I hope that I would act better today, put myself in her shoes and realize what it takes to step in.  After all, at 56, I would hope that I would know better.

Just the Facts

When I was growing up, I remember watching reruns of the TV show Dragnet starring Jack Webb as the straight-laced Police Officer Joe Friday.  Each episode the dour faced officer would solve crimes while collecting the facts.  In an era of fake news, I think that sometimes we forget the power of presenting the facts and having the truth presented to sway people, thought and outcomes.  I remember on my first consulting gig, nearly 23 years ago, the project manager turned to me before a presentation to the client management team and said, “You will give the presentation.”  I immediately froze, I had never given a public speech before and certainly never presented to anyone in management (high level decision makers).  The client was a large, global company, where our involvement was related to the US music manufacturing and distribution business.  The advice that he gave was, “Just tell the story by presenting the facts of what we are doing.”

My grandfather was known as Straight-as-an-Arrow on the golf course.  But that would also represent his attitude, as he also was a HUGE believer in always telling the truth.  Anyone that is in a successful marriage understands the value of honesty and how that helps to retain the trust between both parties.  This is a valid item in any relationship.  To be fully honest, I may have told a few lies in my life, which in every case gets found out and the only way to maintain a lie is to continue to lie.  Also, Debbie has learned that if I even think that I might pull a fast one (more like bending the truth), she can see it written all over my face.

Years ago, I was interviewing for a consulting job where I would be handling the project management and be a team member.  During the questioning, I answered one of the questions with, “I do not know that area of the software, but would be willing to spend my own time learning it for you.”  After the interview was over, the director giving the interview told the person placing me that he was choosing me for the job.  Was it my knowledge of the system?  Was it my charming good looks?  No – he was impressed with my honesty.  Even in my accounting days, if I did not know the answer, I would not make up something close, it was always, I do not know, let me check…which is an answer I still use if I am unsure. 

Same was true when presenting at Toastmaster meetings.  Same is true when presenting an issue to my Board of Trustees.  Same is true working in teams.  Same is true when teaching a class.  As a Project Manager, as a Consultant, as a Teacher, as a Presenter, our authority on the subject / topic is only as good as the faith and trust placed on us in by our audience, team, or peers.  Being honest is an important value for anyone in a leadership position, or for anyone striving to get to a leadership position.  So, as a newbie consultant, that day 23 years ago, I gave my first ever presentation to upper management.  I followed the advice and told the truth (good points and a few not so good points).  By sticking to the truth, I knew the material very well and was able to answer the follow up questions.  That one day, that one lesson has continued to serve me well.

Recasting History into our Own Image

“This is the way it happened…”  I could start any recounting of an event with that line, tell the story with a sense of strong conviction and if told enough times to enough people, gain a measure of credibility.  In the right circumstance, at the right time, told to a targeted audience, I could make other people believe my stories as the truth, even if I have distorted the facts.  To paraphrase the adage (or variant), “a lie told often enough becomes truth.”  I have always ascribed to the value that honesty is the best policy, so the chance of me not telling the truth is almost non-existent.  But, like myself, I am sure you have come across individuals that have altered “the truth” to serve their purpose.

I remember a few months after 9/11, driving at night to a client (this was when I was consulting) on the border of Virginia and Tennessee.  As I was flipping through the radio stations, I came across some local preacher talking about the Jewish conspiracy and the “fact” that the Jews were behind the attack.  He stated that all of the Jews were notified beforehand to leave the world trade center prior to the attack – obviously, he did not have the conversation with the Jewish spouses and children that lost family on that day.  There are the people that try to change history to say that the Holocaust never existed.  While the number of Holocaust survivors dwindles, some survivors are still alive that can tell the true story.

There are plenty of bad time-periods in all of the nations across the world – whether it was slavery, ransacking, or general brutality.  These are events that makeup nations and, in some cases, have provided rich legends and historical accounts for where we are today.  The lessons they provide in pointing us to a better future are still pertinent today.  In an age of political correctness, pulling down statues, whether in this country (i.e., Robert E. Lee – people forget he served with distinction in the Mexican-American war and was the Superintendent of the US Military Academy, also known as West Point) or elsewhere (i.e., ISIS destroying ancient statues), the truth is still that – the truth.  In ancient times, if you fell out of favor with the leader of a nation, the punishment was having one’s name stricken from the books – in other words, they erased your name from history, altering the truth.

I understand that we all see life through the prism of our understanding and desires.  However, that does not account for the deliberate actions to alter the truth, whether it is placing a grave marker without interring a body (under a false guise), pulling down statues of heroes / explorers that had a small black mark against huge positive accomplishments or providing altered educational curriculum to unknowing students (i.e., some third world / terrorist countries).  Most important is to keep the truth, “warts and all.” 

We are taught that we should be givers (not takers), to help and educate others, as well as ourselves.  Those that alter the truth either do not have full knowledge (will not put out the effort or the time to learn), uses the opportunity to blame others by recasting the truth and, at the end of the day, uses the opportunity to selfishly manipulate the truth.  While we are all entitled to our opinions, based upon our perceptions of reality, we do not have the right to maliciously recast history in an effort to twist the truth so that it provides a different outcome.  

One Day This Could Be Me

Many years ago, when I was in my teens, I remember being outside of our house in Glen Rock and my dad having a conversation with some of his friends.  At the time, these men were in their mid-40s and the topic of conversation was the onset of various aches and pains that they were feeling as they began to age.  For some reason, that small slice of memory has stuck with me, most likely causing me to wonder if I will be having a similar conversation with my friends as I get older.  I am at an age where my peers have had knee replacements, hip replacements, back surgery, take medicines for this and that, etc.; but no general conversation about our aches and pains.  Many of us are blessed with still having our parents alive.  Through the wonders of advanced medicine, we all have the opportunity to live longer lives, be productive members of society longer and, unfortunately, become more prone to ailments, etc., than prior generations.  Our conversations are not about us, but are more about our parents.

As children, most (but not all), look towards their parents for wisdom, insight and, yes, approval.  The last one in that list does not change, even when we have children of our own, have some successes in our lives and are completely independent from our parents.  In my mind, my father is still fit, able to get around easily and be a sounding board (whether we or not we agree on everything is irrelevant).  Because of this view, I (selectively?) forget that he had back surgeries, strokes and uses a walker.  My eyes see this, but my mind does not.  As with all living creatures, as we get older, the signs of aging keep creeping into view.  At my age, if I extend my fingers straight out and look at the back of my hands, the skin is no longer taunt and no longer has a youthful appearance.  This means, that as our parents age, we need to become more alert to the changes that they are going through, as hard as that is, and as much as we do not want to see it.

Yes, you got it.  Our conversations are not about our aches and pains, but about our parents’.  Whether they are close by, or at a distance, when needed, we all run to check on them.  It does not matter if they are nearby, a state away, a short flight away or in a different country, we go to them.  There has become the role reversal – when they fall, we are the ones to pick them back up, tell them everything is OK and encourage them.  They had done these things for us, now it is our turn to do for them.  Part of accepting the fact that they are older helps when it comes to providing them advice and making decisions that really are for their benefit.  While we remember to enjoy our children while they are young and the various stages that they only go through in their lives, we now must remember to do the same with our parents.  For once those stages pass, they only live on in our memories.

Everything Revolves Around Whom?

“God helps those who help others.” ~ Amit Abraham, Personality Development Through Positive Thinking

There I was, minding my own business, quietly driving my car to work, enjoying the bright spring morning.  The road I am on is a main road through a nearby community.  I see a car coming up from the side street, and notice that it is not slowing, even though they have the stop sign.  I know that this person will blow through the stop sign and pay no heed to the car that has the right of way (which would be me).  And, sure enough, there he went.  This was clearly a case where someone does not care about the other people on the road.

There is the Zig Ziglar tenet that says, “You can get everything you want in life if you help enough people get what they want in life.”  This presumes that one of the key paths to success is being willing to help others and not focus only on yourself.  By helping to ensuring other’s successes, both you and the people you help have the opportunity to succeed together.  Most of the successful people have not been so by themselves, but have provided success for the people they surround themselves with, including the ability to increase wealth (think of the number of millionaires created from Microsoft’s beginning).  The commitment and mindset has to be REAL and part of one’s nature and values.  I am amazed at the number people I observe that are in it only for themselves, such as in the following examples:

• To get home from work, I travel on the NY subway system between my office to the Port Authority.  The general rule of thumb is that the people on the platform open up a path for the people exiting the subway – makes sense.  This past week, as I had one foot on the subway and one off, someone elbowed their way in saying excuse me, I need to get on this subway.  Where she expected me to go, I am not sure.
• When leaving a plane, or a bus, most of the people follow the basic rule of thumb – passengers exit from the front moving towards the back one row at a time.  This is a very organized process.  However, every so often there is that one person that jumps up from the back and elbows their way to the front.  We were recently on a flight from Fort Lauderdale to Newark, where we notice the actions a man and wife.  By the way that they were dressed, they clearly were a religious couple.  We tend to think in our minds (not to judge) that religious folks tend to have a higher standard.  Guess who was the first to jump up, did not let other people in (per the order of seating) and pushed their way forward?  I am not sure where his religion stresses “me first.”

I would be remiss if I only pointed out the acts of selfishness and not noticed acts of selflessness / kindness / consideration.  During rush hour times, a seat on the subway can be a rare and precious commodity.  On occasion, people will give up their seats (including me) for an elder person, someone that is pregnant, a child or with a disability.  I sat next to a young woman that whenever someone she thought would like to sit actually got up from her seat and would walk over to that person to offer them her spot.  Many times when a seat becomes vacant, it is a rush to grab it.  Not in this case.  Even though the response she received each time was, “No, thank you,” it was great to see that she still tried to reach out to be considerate of the those around her.

Standing Naked on a Hill

Have you ever thought of standing naked on a hill? Where you can be the king or queen of the world and not have any cares in that moment?  It would be a moment unto itself, with just you and nature as one, feeling the cool breeze against your body, being able to see for miles and feel the soft grass between your toes.  What if, for one moment of complete solitude you could have this experience, would you take it?

I am thinking these thoughts, sitting here typing on a laptop, pre-dawn, relying on the lights in my kitchen, having just finished cooking my breakfast.  I look over to the electronic clock to see what time it is, so that I can plan the time to go upstairs and get dressed, then hop into my hybrid car to drive to the bus stop, which will take me to an underground conveyance (subway) leading me to the high rise building that I work in.  I will most likely read on my portable reader on the way and maybe check emails on one of the two mobile devices I carry (one for work, one personal).  I am a modern man, surrounded by all of the conveniences that make up my daily routine.  I could not have a lifestyle be further from existing naked standing on a hill!  The only breeze I feel is when I turn on the air and it hits my exposed arms and face…

Have we lost complete touch with the basics of life that our ancestors contended with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis?  Today, I can type a message using WhatsApp and communicate with friends anywhere in the world where there is a WiFi connection.  It is almost inconceivable to think that about 100 years ago, when my Grandfather was in Austria and his father was already in New York City, that the only means of communicating was via letter.  And that letter, once sent, could take weeks to reach its destination, depending on the ships that traveled across the Atlantic and the weather conditions. 

Take a look at any of our daily routines:

• We wake up (alarm clock),
• We eat breakfast (coffee machine)
• We commute (car, bus, etc.)
• We work / get educated (computers, etc.)
• We communicate (IM, texting, phone, email)
• We eat dinner (prepared, refrigerated, etc.)
• We relax (TV)

There is a certain allure to the prospect of convening with nature, to have that moment where I can be one with the surrounds – standing there enjoying the view and meditating on life.  Of course, it would have to be a place of solitude – no one needs to get arrested for public nudity.  The weather condition, of course, would have to be just right – not too hot and not too cold (I am thinking of a reference to a Seinfeld episode).  I am not big on bugs and critters, because once they appear, things could get less comfortable – the thought of a mosquito bite in a usually covered area would be “uncomfortable.”  OK, standing naked on a hill would end up being more about getting out of my comfort zone than trying to impress anyone, and this morning, I am happy sipping my hot tea, hearing the breeze of the heat blowing, and typing on my computer.

Remember, it was Bob Dylan that sang the truism, “But even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked.”  …though probably not upon a hill…