I Hear You

 

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” ~ Epictetus

Imagine that somebody makes you the leader. In other situations, you might be elected to the position.  In the world of Machiavelli, you might even reach out and grab that position for yourself.  Whichever way it occurs, you have found your way into a position of leadership – you are sitting atop the body of individuals who look to you for guidance, want you to paint a vision for the future and are in the position of following you.  People will now look to you (and judge you) for what you say, how you act and the method you use to handle situations. 

Many years ago, I was excited by the first opportunity that I had as a leader.  OK, it was a small role, but I was responsible for supervising other people.  Immediately, I told my manager what I was going to do, how I was going to tell everyone what I wanted, etc.  Needless to say, he put the kibosh on that!  It took me years to learn that with the title and the responsibility, do not come with carte blanche for me to dictate my will on other people.  As Teddy Roosevelt so eloquently put it, “No one cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”  The only way for others to know that you care is to listen to what they have to say and pay attention to their words.

We all have opinions and some ideas of how things should be handled.  Not all of us freely share these thoughts, but we all have them.  Sometimes, we forget that the people we are talking to also have their thoughts and ideas.  As a leader, we should have some vision as to the direction and achievements we would like to accomplish.  However, if we do not talk to the people around us, there is no way to tell if we are in alignment with each other.  As John C. Maxwell points out, “If you think you’re leading, but no one is following, then you are only taking a walk.”  By taking the time to listen, people feel that you care about their thoughts (even if they differ), and it provides an opportunity to have other choices become available to you and realign so that more people understand the efforts.

Having the title of “Leader” does not mean everyone has to adopt what you say.  Having recently spent time in an organizational leadership role, I spent a lot of time listening, asking leading questions, and finding out people’s perceptions and needs.  When it comes to leading, we must keep in mind that “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of a few” (Mr. Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)  and the only way to come to the right conclusion is to listen.

Painting Vision

A question that I used to get when I first graduated college on job interviews was where do you see yourself in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?  The answers were always based on some career path that was taught in school or somehow made it into my head.  Some of the responses that I got back from the interviewer were “Oh, yeah” or “You really think that?” After a few years, those fleeting answer that passed for a vision of my work future was exactly that…fleeting.  I was young, did not know better and had no idea where I was going at that point in my life.

During my first two jobs, I remember working on various projects / work related initiatives.  The actual projects that we were working on did not matter.  What mattered was the question that I used to ask -why am I doing this?  Most of the time, I received no answer from my manager, which always bothered me.  You see, I needed to understand the purpose of what I was doing and how it fit into the bigger picture.  Without a broad picture, or someone painting a vision, I had no idea where things were headed, no opportunities to provide feedback and usually never saw the impact.

Fast forward many years.  I now have what can pass for real life experience – 36 years in the work force, been employed by various companies, tried some entrepreneurial ventures and had changes in my career paths.  Then came the opportunity to become the president of my synagogue, which is a non-profit organization run by volunteers and employees a small group of people.  When I first mentioned taking the position, someone commented, “Ah, it’s just a couple of meetings here and there.”  In truth, this was more like a full-time part-time job.  This was still a legitimate business, with real needs and concerns, that needed to bring in revenue and disburse expenses.

As we know, change is vital to the survival of any organization.  For an organization, or the people in an organization, to change, they have to be able to see where the potential future might take them.  Like my earlier self, an overarching explanation needs to be given to help realize the potential.  Prior to becoming president, I spent 5 years as a Vice President, “learning the ropes”, listening to people and talking about a bright future.  I was already painting the vision prior to accepting the role, in attitude, in speeches and in conversations.  Doing this provided excitement, hope and a view towards the future which is hard to do after decades of doing the same things over and over.  To survive in the future, it needs to be communicated that there is a future, we can get there together and the changes will help us.  Once the vision is painted, the hard work then starts in following through to make sure the picture painted becomes reality.

On to a New Role

After three years as the President of my synagogue, I have transitioned into a new role – Past President.  Yes, I have already heard all of the alternate titles – Has-been, Used-to-be, Wayne who?  It has been a great three years, had the opportunity to work with some good, dedicated people and, as a team, made some much needed changes.  Being in a leadership role, I used many of the tools that I learned over the past decade, discovered many new things about leading an organization and gained a better understanding of where I fit in that picture.

In late 2009, I was introduced to the world of personal development.  I do not mean learning to feel good about myself and live in a dream world where actions automatically manifest themselves.  This  was more about taking a journey to learn, through reading and following people successful in their fields, to develop my own abilities.  It is way too easy to finish our formal education process, head out into the world and get caught up in the whirlwind that surrounds us.  Recognizing that “I am too busy,” or “I do not have the time,” are just excuses for not doing the things we need to help us improve ourselves, the direction we head in and take control of our destiny.  What I have come to understand about success, management and leadership all fell into line from others said and wrote about.

As I now have the chance to reflect upon this part of my life, there are clearly some points of advice I can happily provide to others heading into a similar position:

• Success is not a given and does not always come on the first try.  Success will come, but can be made up of small failures or missteps which provide opportunities to learn from.  It may take a few tries to reach success but when you do, people will not necessarily remember the fails.
• Have patience, not every action has to be done immediately.  Yes, urgency is important and it helps in prioritizing, but one should not sacrifice a success because one acted too fast instead of doing it right.
• Listen to the people around you, as you do not need (nor want) everyone to agree with what you say.  None of us knows everything (even though some people act like they do).  Differing thoughts can lead to new ideas or realignment of objectives.  Keep an open mind.
• Be persistent and do not stop just because others throw up an objection or place a road block in front of you.  Remember, not everyone will see things the same as you; be sure to communicate clearly, paint an inclusive vision and keep you eye on the target.
• Facilitate change, as the acceptance of change has to be a majority mindset, not just one person.
• Most importantly, be prepared!  I knew someone that said, when I get to position X, I will look around, see what needs to be done, then make some decisions / plans.  The rule of first impression goes for leadership, as you only have one chance to put your first best step forward.

As I go through the next few weeks, I will delve more into these points and why these stood out for me.

Period of Transition

Do we know when it is time to say goodbye?  On the other hand, do we know when it is time to say hello?  Our lives are filled with points of transition, whether or not we are ready for them or aware that they are happening.  Worse off, there are many times that we turn a blind eye to transitions, hoping to delay the inevitable and keeping things the same.  This is true in our work lives, our volunteer activities and most importantly, our home lives.  Sometimes, we have control of when a transition will take place and other times, we do not.

Many years ago, I was in Barbados for work.  Each morning, I was picked up by the same driver who drove me to the office that I was working out of.  Every morning, he greeted me with the daily weather report which always ended the same way.  What if every day was always like the day before?  I do not mean like the COVID-lockdown-every-day-seems-like-Groundhog-Day, but if we did the same exact routine each and every day.  We used to joke when we were younger that it was funny how cartoon characters never aged.  Think of the decades that Charlie Brown tried to kick the football Lucy held, knowing each time that she would pull it away.

Work, especially over the past year, has seen many people transition in and out, unfortunately aided by the pandemic.  Before that, how many of us had held on to jobs because we were comfortable? Many years ago, I worked for a consulting company when the entire marketplace (and their business) was contracting.  I sat there watching as people were being let go because there were no new assignments on the horizon.  I should have seen it coming, but I was not prepared when it was my turn to be laid off.  The transition occurred even though I was not ready for it.  Lesson learned – be prepared for anything and keep your head in the game, your eyes wide open and pay attention to what you are hearing.  Job/Role transitions do not always have to be a surprise. 

My life recently went through a transition, one that was impacted by another’s transition – the passing of my father.  Having been sick for some time, recognizing that he was physically failing, my Dad was prepared and ready for the upcoming transition from life.  When the moment came, he was not surprised.  Though saddened by the event, our family was also ready and prepared.  One transition can lead to another.  With eyes wide open and aware, transitions were made.  Some transitions leave us with an empty feeling, of a loss.  Other transitions lead us towards a sense of hope and opportunity.  How we face these are uniquely our own.  The key is to be aware of them and remember, this too is part of life.

Every Day is Groundhog’s Day

As we head into February, the thought of living life where every day is Ground Hog’s Day has become a reality.  Ten and a half months ago, I remember wondering how we would be able to live in a lock down world, where we minimize our time leaving our homes, work from home and limit in-person social interaction (outdoors and 6+ feet).  After all of this time, the “new” normal has taken hold and we have all found new ways to live our lives, interact with friends, methods of entertainment and the way we work.  I talk about looking forward to the day we can go back to “business as usual” and recently was talking to someone who cannot wait to get out of his house and be face-to-face with potential clients.

Oddly enough, I have recently been feeling a new type of anxiety – one of leaving the house.  I am OK with going to the local Shop-Rite and some of the other places nearby so that we can function.  But the moment something new comes up.  For example, I just got my haircut which was something that I usually would do when my hair reached a certain length and started getting unruly.  With the number back up at new high levels, I have held off on going.  Yes, some friends started to refer to me as “Shaggy.”  The last time I went was in mid-September.  Living within a realm of Groundhog’s Day, that would have happened somewhere on the fringes of my memory.  I started to have some anxiety around going and leaving my house to someplace different.  In the back of my mind, I began to wonder, are my fears real or perceived?

Fear, according to Merriam-Webster, is ”to be afraid.”  One of the base emotions that drives us is fear (the other would be love), the sense of danger that is one of the triggers that helps us to protect ourselves.  For some, fear can be stifling.  For example, if there is a severe lightning storm, the anxiety caused by the fear of getting electrocuted could save our lives.  That is an example where the anxiety has a real underlying fear.  Logically, I knew that there was nothing to fear in getting my haircut.  The place that I go minimizes the people in the place, everyone is masked and safe protocols are followed.  Still, I was leaving my bubble of safety.  By the time I pulled up to the place, donned my mask and walked up to the door, I was my usual chipper self, without a hint of anxiety.  My fear was perceived. 

We have become so home-bound, we forget that the things that we treated as normal still go on.  People  shop safely, fly safely and for the most part, do the right thing.  If you are uncomfortable by the one or two people who are acting selfish (as in inconsiderate of the people around them), avoid those places.  Tomorrow I will wake up, like every other day, and engage in the same routines as the days before, as if it was Ground Hog’s Day.  Oh yeah, I forgot…it will really be Groundhog’s Day!

Feeling Empowered

 

"This is our job as leaders: to offer positive solutions and empower people. Our duty is to tackle our problems before they tackle us." ~ Paul Ryan

What is the value of a title that we bestow on someone?  If we are talking about olden times, if you were dubbed a knight, an earl, a baron, there would be some power, land and wealth that was associated with those titles.  At some point in time, the same could be said in a corporation’s organization chart.  If you were an AVP (Assistant Vice President), that position came with related responsibilities.  Supervisors, Managers, Directors, etc., all were appropriate rungs on a ladder that one climbed throughout their careers.  When I was an employee, I had a title and a pay designation that were not the same.  As a consultant, both earlier in my career and now, the titles have a different meaning in each company. 

To be fair, change in title does have a meaning within an organization, and can be a way to elevate employees with minimal dollar increases.  There are plenty of writings that discuss that most successful people are not motivated by chasing after bigger salaries.  It is the jobs (tasks) and challenges that cause us to “rise to the occasion” or cause us to be the exception and happily put out that extra effort that ends up distinguishing ourselves from others.  So, is the title enough to inspire others to make the leap in their engagement, output and involvement?  Or, do we need to empower the people with the new title, to challenge them, make them feel accountable and give them a sense of pride in ownership.  In other words, do we empower them with the responsibility that comes with that title?

All of us have worked with or alongside people that are happy to promote someone only to find out that we are now working for someone that is a “control freak”.  As managers or leaders, it is important to empower others as well as to delegate, promote their titles and provide positive feedback.  By giving a feeling of empowerment, you have the opportunity to make people feel they are:

• Included in the overall vision – nobody wants to just be a cog in the machinations of business, but instead understand where they fit into the bigger picture
• Part of the decisions – these are the decisions that can impact them directly, otherwise they go back to feeling like they have no say in their outcomes
• Included in various processes – inclusion in related areas broadens one’s sense of purpose and helps to not have a siloed view of the world
• Part of a team – everyone wants to feel that they are part of a group that can make a difference; can help with growth, provide personal motivation and a feeling of belonging
• A voice whose choices count – everyone has a voice and by allowing people to be heard will always help to provide new insights instead of keeping their ideas to themselves
• In control of what you have asked them to handle – a sense of ownership can lead to a pride in ones work and encourage them to take on other tasks.

Talk Too Much

I am sure that every ethnicity has a variation on the same joke…if you put # of [fill in the group] together in a room, you get # plus 2 opinions. 

In a recent meeting, there was a single, simple question asked and yet everyone felt the need to give an opinion.  There were only 2 or 3 possible responses to the question, but everyone felt obligated to provide an opinion, even though an overwhelming majority provided the same thoughts using almost the same words.  This caused what should have been a 10-minute conversation to last an hour.  Since some of the people in the group felt that they did give their opinion clearly the first (and second) time(s) that they spoke, and to clarify their positions, they repeated themselves again.  I have been in more meetings like this then I care to consider at this point. 

This goes back to a question I have pondered before – do we actually listen to what other people say?  I was taught years ago (I have forgotten the source) that most people, even in a one-on-one conversation, will be spending their time thinking about the next point, topic, or opinion they want to say without listening to the response, thought or opinion of the person talking to them.  I have been guilty of falling into this bad habit as well, usually in the heat of heavy, loud discussion, where I only want my point to be heard and to have my point of view to take precedent.    I have to literally take a step back, take a deep breath and remind myself that someone else is talking.  While I might want my opinion to be the take away, without listening to the people or persons that I am talking to, it is hard to communicate without hearing where their minds are at; Especially if they are making good points, or if they are the ones who are correct.

The ancient question is “Why do we have two ears and one mouth?”  Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived around 100 A.D., answered the question, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”  Conversations, discussions, meetings, etc., all involve more than the self.  If so, Epictetus observation still holds true.  Sometimes, we have to fight our urges to be heard and listen, pay attention and respond accordingly…no matter what levels we live in, strata of society we move through or political leanings. 

Delegating

“The best way to ensure that something is done correctly is to do it myself.”  OK, raise your hand if you have heard someone say this.  Great, now keep your hand up if you have used this line before, and be honest.  As someone who has worked with teams, been a team member and a manager, I will admit to raising my hand for both of those questions.  There were many times earlier in my career where grabbing the task and putting together the action items were a choice.  I had yet to learn that by doing this I was minimizing the person I was grabbing from, putting myself in a position where I now was responsible, and most importantly, removed a learning opportunity to help better someone in terms of educating them and improving their skill sets. 

If I am a one-man shop, it is natural to take on all of the responsibilities, action all items and provide all of the feedback.  The “buck” has nowhere else to stop at.  When we are young, we learn that it is our responsibility to achieve, get those good grades and excel in our endeavors.  When we succeeded or failed, we became labeled by our outcome.  Realize that for many people, those labels had an impact on their mindset and followed them as they grew into adulthood.  If we fail, we do not want to fail again, while if we succeed, it has to be only our doing.  Coupled with a mindset of “It is up to me if it was meant to be,” we fall into doing things by ourselves.  For a company to grow, this mindset makes it difficult to move beyond a one-man operation or grow from a “Mom and Pop” shop.

 I have been working with teams for most of my working career.  The good thing about a team is that by working together, each having our own responsibilities, we can achieve more together than we would be able to do on our own.  This is a different mindset than laid out in the previous paragraph.  Have I ever worked with a team where there is someone with the “I can do this by myself” mindset?  Of course, and this can cause the team to not work together, demoralize the group and fall short of the goals.  In this example, the members of the team need to realize that roles have been delegated to the resource that the manager feels can best accomplish each of the tasks.

Related question – have I ever worked for someone who did not understand delegation?  Of course. In this example, the manager hogs all of the tasks and needs to remember that the roles delegated need to be done by the resource assigned.  This also has a huge impact on the development of the team members; By delegating and supporting each person, you empower them to think for themselves, allow for internal creativity to occur and build confidence in your teams.

Like so many of the things that we do, yes, this is a lot of work and something emerging managers need to remember and strive to get better at.  Delegating responsibilities to others is not an easy thing to do and is something that one has to learn to be comfortable doing. 

2020 Recap – Meeting Goals

We can all breathe a sigh of relief – 2020 is now over and in the books. This certainly has been a year that can be named after the Clint Eastwood classic, “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.” We have seen it all, lived to survive it, seen good people fall to the pandemic, watched a crazy political season (with the related wacky news media) and have still strived to accomplish something. Each year, we start off listing out the goals and objectives for the upcoming 12 months.  However, 2020 saw many people rip out that page in the book, crumple the paper up and toss it in the garbage.  Let’s face it, I could have written out the same thing last year in regards to 2019 with removing the pandemic reference.  Truth is, there were more challenges in 2020 than in prior years…but, as a challenge, they should still be met heads on and met face-to-face. As James Allen stated so well, “Adversity does not build character, it reveals it.”

One benefit from this year due to self-quarantining was the ability to reflect (“The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”).  Most people do not like to sit and focus on themselves, as it can be uncomfortable to find out one might learn about themselves. However, self-reflection is key to understanding where you are in your life, finding opportunities for continued personal development and a measurement of how you are proceeding. As Aristotle put it, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” We have had plenty of time for this type of activity and it looks like we will start off 2021 with the same chances to repeat.

Another benefit, for Debbie and me, was having our daughters still living with us. This year was an opportunity to enjoy our family in a way we would have otherwise not had the chance to do. The past months have given us time to learn more about each other (“The Good, the Bad and the Ugly”) and, honestly, come to find that we are able to survive and live together in peace and harmony. There was the occasion recently where I had a commitment and felt bad that I would miss eating dinner with my family. “After 9 months of eating every dinner together, you can miss one dinner,” was the response I got. As we managed together, it was good to have this time to remember once the girls move out and live their own lives.

As Mahatma Gandhi stated, “I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man who had no feet.”  We have to continually remind ourselves that no matter how bad we have it, someone else has it worse off. Helping those in need is always a way to focus on what we have, as we give a helping hand to relieve other’s true misfortunes. Being heavily involved in my synagogue, it is a wonderful feeling to see the generosity displayed by the congregation and others in reaching out in many ways, providing food, toys, donations (time and money) and other ways to help out.

While we all hope that 2021 is a better year than 2020, this is a wish we should have each year. Let’s face it, I could have written out the same thing last year in regards to 2020 or next year relating to 2022, with the pandemic removed from our lives. Here’s to the good from 2020 and the good for 2021!

Staying Healthy

The COVID 19 has become part of our vocabulary same as the Freshman 15.  Early on, when it did not seem that we would be quarantining for months on end, we all indulged in sweets, “nosh” and a couple of extra drinks.  After a few months, reality hit that we might not be “returning to normal” all that quickly.  There were shortages of some foods, gym closings and recreational activities severely restricted; The meant that we lost some of the outlets needed to burn off our indulgences.  Streaming services helped to provide entertainment while we sat at home – whoever thought we would reach the day that “trending” reports would include the most popular streaming shows?  While I am still way below that number 19, it was hard not to be caught up in this in some way, shape or form.

For me, lock down meant no commuting to New York City (which included walking), no flying for work or being in front of other people which included no more band practices.  Seems like some new-fangled math: Almost no reading (mental health) + increased Zoom drinking (hello beer belly) + limiting exercises (physical health) = COVID weight gain.  After about three months, it began to dawn on me that things were not moving in the right directions.  Books with titles like “The Slight Edge” and the “Compound Effect” started coming to mind.  The fact that I had taken on slightly less positive habits, the small increment did not seem noticeable, but in a short time, I began to see and feel the difference. 

OK, so I was never one to be confused with a Charles Atlas inspired body nor one who was a participant in sports activities.  However, back in 2016, I wrote a series of blogs where I challenged myself to improve my body, including taking some exposing pictures of myself to lay bare where I started and where I ended up.  Over the year I lost 14 pounds and trimmed my belly back to a thinner waist.  To achieve that goal, I had to be diligent on what I ate, how I exercised, etc.  I did not follow any gimmicks, just changed the way I was living with positive benefits.  Like the old slapstick routine where the comedian does not see the banana peel in front of him, I slipped.  Once my “tuchus” hit the ground, it was time to stand up, re-evaluate what I did (blame is my own), and readjust my life.  This meant better eating habits (aka, drink less beer), exercise in the form of stretching, simple yoga and other (good for the body), adding in meditation (mental health / mindfulness), and reading (mental health / personal development).

Though I doubt I will get down to the weight I was at the end of 2016, while quarantined at home, I do feel better now that I am focused on being healthier as opposed to waiting the pandemic out.  While it is still fun to indulge, moderation and mindfulness of actions still have to be forefront and centered.  What have you done to maintain a healthy perspective and body these few months?

Lights of Hope

We just finished up celebrating Hanukkah, also referred to as the Festival of Lights.  Naturally, the celebration includes fried foods, such as latkes (potato pancakes) and donuts.  As kids, we were always excited for receiving gifts for each of the eight nights, though that was not always the case.  Our parents did their best, so some nights included: a shiny new penny, chocolate gelt, or a fresh, crisp new one-dollar bill.  Some years it was “big” gift to share between the three of us, which included air hockey one year and a foosball table another.  Though we have never given the girls a shiny, new penny, clothing always works.  Actually, the one who is most excited when opening the gifts is Lucy Lou – when it is her turn, her tail starts wagging and she helps open up her present.

While presents are the fun part of the holiday, there is another cause for celebrating the holiday that is meant to inspire.  The holiday represents the hope and courage of a small band of people, considered rebels, fighting against a giant force who managed to hold their ground.  The story of the Maccabees tells of a group of people protecting their homes from the significantly larger forces of the Seleucid Empire’s Army under the rule of Antiochus for many years.  They were a group of people, steeped in their vision for independence and staunch defenders of their value system over the preceding years Hellenistic influences.  The ability to win their battles provided the Maccabees to gain 100+ years of independence due to their commitment to not give up.

With this story of inspiration, what can be garnered at this time of to give us the feeling of hope? To keep fighting and to not give up. Vaccines are being made and distributed. Even though we are months away from the general population receiving the vaccines, the hope is still there. Wearing masks, washing hands and staying quarantined help in this battle. Although the numbers may be rising, our hope and fight should do the same. We can draw inspiration from the story as we fight through to the end of the year with the hope for a better 2021. Each of us just need to do our part in fighting the pandemic.

One Eye Looking Forward and One Eye Looking Backward

We were recently watching a series on television where the father had a clear view of the world and how it should be, how we should behave and the paths we should all take.  His adult son also had a clear view of the world and how it should be, how we should behave and the paths we should all take.  From each one’s point of view, they were both correct, yet there was no way that their individual views would ever come into alignment.  I know, you are thinking that I am not making sense – based on the way I described their points of view, they both share the same beliefs…or do they?

When I was growing up, there was the term “Generation Gap” that became a catch all for the differences between generations.  The generation (this was before they were given fancy names) that grew up in the fifties had parents who lived through World War II and were fairly strict and brought their life experiences to the rearing of children.  Those children came from “traditional” homes, where the father worked, the mother tended the house…sort of like living in the world of “Leave it to Beaver.”  Then came the second half of the Sixties, we were in a war no one wanted to be in, youth was experimenting with expanding their minds and new ideas were taking place…the world had changed (a la “Who Moved My Cheese”) and that older generation did not see the newer world.

That time period is an easy example, as the extremes of ideas easily exemplifies two worlds / thoughts colliding.  However, new ideas clashing with old principles and the perception of rebellion have existed long before this humble author stepped foot in this world and will continue past my last breath.  If you merely sit in a group of people and there is a wide range of ages included, you can also see this type of gap, though the differentials might be more subtle.  There is the thought that our perception of reality is filtered through the prism of our experiences.  For those that have lived longer lives, that prism can have many layers of filtering; while those that have lived shorter lives, see things without those filters and can have more hope and expectations towards what tomorrow may bring.  For both, the perception of reality is seen through their eyes…both are correct, from their points of view, and they could perceive each other to be wrong.  For the ones whose eyes are not clouded by past experiences, it is important to explain what potentials exist ahead.  For those that have had the experiences, it is important to share the potential pitfalls and observations gathered.  Once that agreement is in place, instead of being like Janus and only seeing either forward or backward, we can look in one direction, leveraging our accumulated knowledge while forging new paths into the future.

The COVID Effect

I have been personally affected by COVID.  That’s affected, not infected.  I am pretty sure that we have reached the point where most of us know someone who has contracted the disease, but most assuredly, we all have been or seen the impact.  This pandemic has impacted the way we think, the way we shop, the way we communicate and the way we interact with each other.  We can readily see the changes to the world of education, the job market and the rising failures of long-standing businesses.  We have even seen the impact (at least partially) on the outcome of the most recent presidential election.

If we take a step back a bit, maybe some of these changes were already underway and the current condition just sped things along.  Let’s face it; Amazon has been around and changed the way we shop prior to all of this.  Businesses that were not able to adapt were struggling beforehand, even if we did not quite realize it.  Living in a town with a large number of malls, store closings and bankruptcies started prior to this year.  How about communications?  I remember being on a video conference call 25 years ago and was amazed at the technology which was extremely expensive at the time.  10 years ago, I tried my hand at Network Marketing for a company whose major product was the video phone at a time when Facetime was making its move.  Prior to January, there were plenty of options for “seeing” the person that you were talking to.

The areas where there was real change was not being face-to-face.  I helped out recently at an annual Turkey Drive to collect food for a local food pantry through our synagogue.  It was great to see congregants and generous people, especially in a time of self-confinement, still drop off a significant amount of food.  Yes, times have gotten tougher for some people (COVID effect).  While it was great to see participants, I later realized that I had the chance to SEE different people…and it was not a face taking up a tiny square.  Whether you like people or not, human interaction is still a big part of our human experience, and that is one of things that we will remember long after our new normal is established.  That is the one thing that technology cannot change.

Change is always inevitable, sometimes moving at a snail’s pace, other times more rapidly.  Chances are, this “event” will be studied for years and we will continue to point back to the impact made.  While we still try to grasp the longer-range impact that the pandemic has on our lives, we still need to keep our heads high, wear a brave face, keep our wits about us and remember to be safe.  This is not the first time we have faced a pandemic, nor will it be the last.  It is simple - Wear your masks and keep a social distance.  We might sacrifice in the near term, but it is worth the benefits of staying healthy in the long term. 

The Blame Game

Even though the elections are over, fingers are still being pointed about the final outcome.  And so, the Blame Game has begun.  We are in the midst of learning who is to blame for the outcome of the election, who we can blame for the process and, most importantly, start preparing for whom we can blame going forward.  As someone that looks for lessons and likes to share that knowledge, good leaders are often the examples to follow – I am not so sure that what I am seeing are examples of good leadership.  For me, a good leader takes ownership of their actions, will “take the blame for failures” while passing on the successes to the appropriate team member, work as part of a team towards a common goal and understands the needs of the people they are leading.  Which brings me to the current election cycle…

To start with, let’s look at the current blame being thrown around (closely aligned with its partner in crime – excuses).  The big glaring blame is losing an election due to mail fraud, which has now turned into the excuse for losing.  Yes, I am certain there is some element of this, but without substantial proof this is passing the blame on, without reflecting on the portrayal of oneself.  Then there is the blame of “We lost because of a group’s position within our party.”  Really?  This makes people wonder what they were doing during the campaign process and how they did not realize they were not connecting with their potential constituents. Goes back to fact that a leader needs to listen, which many candidates did not.  And of course, the classic, “It’s not my fault.” Aside from campaigning, it is safe to say that votes are won by candidates based on how we perceive the person running for office, not necessarily their policies and platforms. For those that are undecided and see a candidate acting unprofessional and being a jerk towards others, will vote against you, regardless of your position on important matters.

The bad thing is that there is already pointing the blame for things that have not happened yet, but instead planning for future failure.  To me this is odd because this is planning for failure, already lining up whom to blame and the excuses you will give.  By already planning these out, they can easily pull the “I told you so.”  Folks, I have to be honest – these are the people we elected to lead…if they are planning for failure, why did we select them?  In any leader, I would prefer seeing them say this is what I stand for (the reason we should be electing people, not by looks or demeanor), doing their best and then we all can evaluate the job.  They fail, because they failed and not because other circumstances made it impossible to stand up for themselves.  I do not want to hear, “We did not have enough people” means they did not try working together (aka, never learned to play together in the sand box).  “I did this for you and now you MUST do this for me” is also pathetic.  Elections are won (or lost) by the majority and everyone should feel they helped, not a mindset of entitlement based on “my group pushed you over the line,” which is extremely difficult to validate.  As Abraham Lincoln so aptly stated, our government is a “Government of the people, by the people, for the people…”  I think many elected officials forget that and are more concerned about partisan politics instead of what is best for the people that put them in those positions.

Playing the Blame Game means that we do not have to take a step back to really take a look at the bigger picture.  If you pass enough blame around, throw in a heavy dosage of excuses, you might reach the point where everyone feels sorry for you, or depending on how you are playing the game, you might come off as the “boy that cried wolf.”  Bob Dylan, in the song “It’s Alright, Ma (I’m Only Bleeding)” stated so well, when he sang “…even the president of the United States Sometimes must have to stand naked.”  At the end of a day when playing the Blame Game, we still have only ourselves left to stand bare to the truths, whether we are the president or not.  Those that still decry, “I won, it was stolen,” or “…at least we have the gavel…” have to be able to live with themselves.  As far as I am concerned, not only those playing the Blame Game lose, unfortunately, we the spectators do not always win.

Caveat emptor, it is now your turn to spin the wheel on The Blame Game.

I Got This!

“I got this!”  How many times have we heard this?  How many times have we said this?  There are two outcomes – you got this, own whatever you got and complete whatever it is.  Or, you do not got it, never took ownership and dropped the ball.  In the first case, you take the required action based on your commitment.  This brings up my favorite definition of commitment – Doing the things that you said you would do long after the moment you said it has passed.  In the second case, all you did was provide lip service, whether to make yourself feel good or to answer the way you think your audience wants to hear it.  Which brings up the question, how many times have you heard these words and knew enough up front that they were just words? 

Raising your hand and agreeing to do something = ownership, accountability and responsibility.  These can be scary words as it puts the pressure on us, causes people to keep an eye on our actions and requires us to take action.  Commitment has a cost, as it locks you into following through, answer to your actions and complete what you set out to do.  Sometimes we are assigned things to do, sometimes we volunteer and sometimes things just land in our laps.  Obviously, we are more apt to gravitate to the tasks or roles that we volunteer for, as it aligns with our passions, provides interest and piques our curiosity.  In all cases, once it falls in our lap, it is ours until someone else picks up the mantle and “runs with it.”

When we do not follow through with our commitments, we let down not only ourselves, but others around us.  We need to realize that working in a group, or team environment, each person relies on each other for a mutual goal.  Like a giant game of Jenga, there are pieces that will not have an impact and others that can topple the entire structure.  The complexity is increased when all of the components seem the same and there appears to be little differentiation.  I understand, as there was a point in my life (a long time ago) where I found it easier to make a loose fist, stick out my index finger, point it and magically plant the blame on someone else.  This made life seem easier.  Why? Because if it is someone else’s fault, then the pressure is off you and you feel that you can walk away unscathed.  In reality, you did not fool anyone, as the mess created by the lack of ownership still has to be addressed and now falls into someone else’s lap.

We are all familiar with the plaque that sat on the desk of President Truman’s famous words, “The buck stops here.”  Good words for anyone in a leadership position, as these words apply whether in our home life, work life or other aspect, the buck always should stop with us.  When you are the person at the top, there is nobody to blame, no excuses, but to own the things that we commit to. 

Back From Hiatus

Seven years ago, I made the commitment to write weekly and share the thoughts that I had been thinking about for the past week or so.  And then 2020 hit.  With the steamroller known as COVID-19, the way we think, the way we do business and the manner of everyday life changed.  For the first time in my life, everyday began to have a “sameness” to it, regardless of having the weekend which did less to break up the week than it had done previously.  September became the first month when I did not pen a single word and somehow in October, I was able to write one blog.  I often wonder what happened…part of it was due to not wanting to write more about the pandemic, as life still went on.

And then someone pointed out the benefits and abilities related to having and maintaining good habits.  The key was that good habits are at times hard to form because they involve routines which can be hard and go against the general flow around us.  Once you stop, it is easier to let them go.  Zig Ziglar, who I never had the fortune to see live, used to bring on stage an old manual water pump.  To get water from the pump, you needed to pump the handle a number of times to build up the pressure that would eventually bring the water up through the spigot.  The image, combined with the narration, was to remind us that while we do not see immediate reaction (to the pumping), having patience will bring about the required results.  The same is true with developing good habits – you have to prime the pump until the habit takes root and then continue the actions to maintain the “flow.”  However, once you stop and the water recedes, you have to put the effort in once again to start the process.

No different with me – I stopped writing and it became easier to not write.  I like writing, but the years of this one habit unwound in a few weeks.  When I began thinking about this (the weekly thought filling my head), I began to see the impact.  Writing kept me mindful of the actions around me, giving me cause to reflect, review and learn from them.  While the activities still continue, the level of awareness and opportunities lessened.  I missed the writing and the value it provided me.  It is time to get back into the swing of things and end this brief hiatus.  Writing will be like starting from scratch, but if I wish to begin again, it is time to start priming the pump.

A High Holy Day Like No Other

 

Every year, we gather to bring in the Jewish New Year, where part of the liturgy talks about opening up the “Book of Life” on Rosh Hashana, atoning for one’s sins on Yom Kippur, and being inscribed in the Book of Life for another year.  We gather together in prayer, eat heartily together, fast together and chow down on bagels, lox, whitefish, etc., to close out this period in the calendar.  This year, the play book was placed in storage, a scramble occurred on what to do and new methods needed to be introduced.

Now, I would not claim to be a very religious person.  However, this is the one time of the year where, during the High Holy Days, I refrain from watching television, writing, using the phone and turning on my computer.  These are supposed to be days of reflection and, as the holiest days on the Jewish calendar, should not be taken lightly.  I have previously written about how little I go out, conducting work and synagogue business from my office in the basement.  We provided limited attendance at our services this year, staying well below the CDC and state guidelines.  Truth is, we did not have a rush for tickets to be in-person at services.  This year, we broke the mold – we provided a livestream through a professional company.

Being involved in the process and volunteering to help monitor, this meant that I needed my computer on, which I attached to my television, to watch the services.  My phone was on so that I could text with a select group helping out and communicate with the production company.  The only thing that I did not do was write.  Instead of being a congregant at the services, I was part of the team bringing this new approach to life.  I joked that if one year ago I had said to the congregation, “Next year, we are binging this to via livestream,” they all would have laughed at me.  How much difference a year can make.

Based on the current numbers, there is the potential that we will be dealing with this pandemic for a while.  There is no way to tell what that will mean, but it is here for the meantime.  We all hope that by this time next year, we can reminisce about the challenges of 2020.  One thing is certain, what we learn today will be the lessons we will have to go forward with.

Drawing Circles Around Ourselves

 For four months, my life has been existing primarily from within my house.  I can probably count the number of times that I have been to the store, social visited with friends, etc.  Most of the time when I leave my house, it is the same as sticking your big toe into the pool to see if it is cold.  Trying to stay balanced, you gingerly poke at the top layer of water to determine what you will do next.  I do realize that I work from my house, conduct synagogue business from my house and Zoom socialize from my house.  My children live at home, so we stay together safely as a family.  I have unknowingly gone and drawn a safety or comfort zone around my house.  There are a few other circles that I have drawn where I feel safe, but not many.

Why am I talking about circles?  A number of years ago, I gave a speech regarding our individual comfort zones and how once they are designated, we find it difficult to step outside them.  I likened the comfort zones to circles – circles we draw around ourselves to feel comfortable, circles our parents drew to provide us with a sense of safety and the circles drawn by others to influence us.  The longer the circles are there, the stronger they seem and the wider the drawn lines symbolizing the boundaries become.  But, Wayne, you are thinking, if we draw them, can’t we just erase them?  One would think that.  I remember learning that one of the ways to train a baby elephant is to tether them to a post with a chain.  Once they realize that they cannot escape, as they grow up, it becomes a conditioned reflex, so much so that replacing the chain with a rope will keep the elephant still.  While a full-grown elephant can go pretty much wherever they want whenever they want, due to this learned habit, their comfort zone has become ingrained in them.  Humans are no different once the circles have been drawn.

For me, the key was to realize what I have done by drawing the circle of Covid safety around myself.  I feel safe (that is good), but get anxious about venturing out (that is not good).  I do not want to confuse this with going forth into the world with a mindset towards safety and a diligence to protect ourselves and those around us with the unusual amount of people vying for Darwin Award.  (Yes, I am referring to those who think they are immune to disease, disregard the events of the past five months and think they know better)   Now that I can see the circles that I have drawn around me, I can work towards erasing them by deliberately making planned ventures outside of the house.  Social visits in person, going shopping (when needed), etc., help to overcome these “fears” that have developed.  I am happy to wear my bandana and go out.  Because of this, I am starting to have less anxiety and working towards expanding the circles that I have recently drawn around myself.

Shave and a Haircut

My last haircut was towards the beginning of January.  Normally, I would have said that my next cut would be at the end of March / beginning of April.  Well, that plan did not work out.  I made the decision at that time to wait until we could go back out to the places where we used to go.  Like everyone else, I figured that in a few weeks, and just like a big storm, the dark clouds of the pandemic would blow away.  We all know how that went.  During this time, my family said that they would happily cut my hair for me.  I could have used the beard clipper (which on video calls looks like many chose that option).  A month ago, friend of mine suggested I use his barber…a razor.  I made the decision to tough it out and visually show that I am following the guidance provided.  For me, that was as important a point to make as it was to look well groomed. Since the pandemic started, I have been out to shop and a couple of social distance visits, but for the most part, I had started to become comfortable staying close to home and minimizing my trips into the larger world.  My comfort zone did shrink.

And then the guidance changed.   While I do like having long hair (remember the pony tail I use to have?), I was done with the unruly, caveman look.  But truth be told, after so much time at home, like many other people, I have to admit I was nervous to venture forth.  As I said, my comfort zone in the past four months had become more like a small bubble.  A week after the governor gave the OK – I decided to call for an appointment, hoping that it would be a few weeks before they could take me, giving me time to prepare for enlarging my comfort zone.  “How does 6:30 work for you,” the voice kindly asked.  I stammered, “I c-c-cannot m-m-m-make it tonight.”  “I am talking about Friday,” she responded.  I took the appointment and now had to venture out to a place I had not been to before the pandemic even began (the place I used moved locations).

Friday arrived, and with a show of confidence I left my house and my comfort zone.  I grabbed a disposable mask on the way out, having to ditch the bandana that I usually wear.  I was uncomfortable even in my car, when I realized that I had not even turned the car on yet.  I drove to the place and pulled up.  I tentatively walked up to the door, not sure if I was to open it, or needed to be escorted in.  I cannot believe that an action that was normal and natural felt like I was trying something new.  The receptionist saw me, opened the door and took my temperature.  There was one other person there who was finishing up and then they left.  By the time I signed the release form, I was up.  As I sat down, conversation started naturally and we caught up since we last met.  I sat there at ease and then I was finished.  It was a positive experience, though I am still very cautious and continue to remain diligent.  Being smart about how we handle ourselves (metaphor for many things) will lead us to good outcomes.  I had built up some fears about going out and wanting to remain safe.  Believe me, running to the shore to be amongst a crowd is still not an option for myself.  Although we are still in quarantine, every day my comfort zone gets slightly bigger and I feel more comfortable as things start to “get back to normal”.

Observations from Behind the Mask

Dining outside (or eating al fresco), people laughing together and children running up and down the sidewalk – clear signs that summer is here.  I recently got to watch this scene.  While what I was watching would normally be a heart-warming summer scene, it was painfully clear that I was the only one concerned about a mask; the children were running up and down the sidewalk, where unmasked diners (at a safe social distance) were eating.  The parent, mask-less, showed no mind and I saw the father walk up to the next table, say something and pat the guy on the shoulder.

For almost four months, myself, our family and our friends have been listening and following the CDC and government guidelines.  My father is still in Florida and it has been a long time since we have seen each other face-to-face (virtually – of course).  My mother-in-law’s place is keeping the inside and outside world apart in a measure to provide protection.  My family has been working from home since March to minimize the spread of COVID-19.  We wear masks when we go out to protect ourselves and to protect the ones we love and care about.  I was once taught that on an airplane, during the safety talk, there is a reason why when the air mask drops, you use it first, then help others – if you do not, you have jeopardized your health and the person(s) you would have helped.  One needs to be healthy to help those in need. Wearing that mask is a selfless act, a sign that we care and want us all to survive this pandemic.

People have gotten arrested for thinking it was OK to publicly cough on someone – it is not. 

People think that once you wear the mask past the security guard, it is OK to remove it – it is not. 

People want to believe their children are safe and do not need a mask – it is not. 

There was recently a case where a young nurse went to a bar to celebrate something and the whole group caught COVID-19.  Her comment was “I should have known better.”

When states opened up, people forgot about the pandemic and the numbers went up (think of the old commercial, “they told two people, who each told two people…”).

As I stood there, watching the scene at the restaurant, the establishment was following the guidelines; it was the patrons who did not.  Going to the supermarket, the establishment was following the guidelines; it was the shoppers who did not.  It is easy to get lulled into a false sense of comfort, to remove the mask and gain a (false) feeling of freedom.  The risk…it ain’t worth it.  It is not worth for me to catch it, to unknowingly spread it and to hurt others.  I do not like wearing the mask, but happy to do so, and when I do not want to wear it, I will be happy to stay home.