My Grandfather’s Clock

 My Grandfather had a clock that used to sit on a set of draws in his dining room.  Having grown up in a house with electric clocks, I was amazed that this clock, old in style, had no plug to make it work.  Then one day, I remember Grandpa opening the top drawer, pulling out a key and asking him what that was for.  As he placed the key into a hole in the face of the clock, he explained that the old clock was run on a spring.  He continued to explain that the key needed to be inserted, as he was doing, so that he could wind up the clock (tighten the spring) so that the clock could continue to run.  The key was turned a number of times until the mainspring was tightened and the key removed from the clock.  “If I do not do this, the clock will run down, getting slower until it finally stops,” he said as he put the key safely back into the drawer.

The clock comes to mind when I speak of how my father is doing.  I am at the point in life that when I look at my father, I readily notice that he is getting older, dealing with health issues and needing more care every day.  While it is true that no child wants to see their parents aging, struggling with daily routines, nor, fighting to get through each day, it is a part of the circle of life.  I know that I am at an age where I am not alone, as friends have been going through these life cycle changes in similar manners currently or over the past years.  It is not easy to watch the ones that took care of you, made the decisions that shaped your life and help you when needed, to become the ones that now look to you to help take care of them, make the decisions that impact that their lives and help them when needed.  This can be at times awkward and unnerving as it does not seem “natural” to become the parent figure.

The truth is that a time comes where we need to protect our parents and make them feel safe.  Fortunately, our children are old enough to tend to themselves.  That also means they are old enough to see and understand the situation which makes it hard for them as well (in a different way).  As children, they still have the ability to learn; as adults, they have the ability to see how we treat our parents and will hopefully apply the lessons gathered when we look towards them for assistance (hopefully) many years into the future.  For us, this is a clear sign of our mortality, a part of life that greets us whether we are ready or not, prepared for it or oblivious of the waiting cloaked figure with the sickle standing off in the shadows.

I sadly watch as the clock starts to slow down, wending its way towards its inevitable path.  While we know how this story will end, that does not provide comfort today.  I feel like the young child I once was, standing next to my Grandfather, unable to take the key and wind the clock…all I can do is watch.  There is no way to tell how long it will take, but I will take comfort in hearing that clock tick while it still can.

Where Did Our Babies Go?

I was recently talking with someone and we were saying how it is odd that we do not feel like we have changed or grown older.  However, if we look at our children and where they are, it is a completely different story.  Yes, we bare the signs of age - like how my joints make creaking and popping sounds while exercising, or the addition of grey hairs.  In the song “Sunrise, Sunset”, they sing, “I don’t remember getting older, When did they?” rings true.

I recently held a new baby for the first time in many years.  It brought back memories of holding our babies, even though it now seems like ancient history to me.  I cannot believe that I have one daughter who works and one daughter, who travelled for a month and is now going to look for a fulltime job.  Gab is involved as a bride’s maid for her friend who has adopted Debbie and me.  I remember when the hardest thing we had to decide was where should we go and play on the weekend, or who would be taking them to their friends’ parties.  Now, it is picking them up from the airport, helping them with car decisions, and hoping that they remember to let us know what they are doing.  That is a long way away from when they were babies.  Oh, if that is not enough to make me begin to feel old…the baby I was holding was Gab and Bec’s babysitter’s first baby.

It is odd how all of these thoughts rattle around in my head around the Father’s Day Weekend.  I still have my father, for which I am thankful for.  As a father, I am blessed that I have the children that I have.  While I know that it is nice to have a special day to focus on each of our parents, Father’s Day has become a day where my brothers and our families get together, grill some good eats and quaff a few frosty beverages with our dad.  For me, however, I still maintain that Father’s Day for me is every day – I have my children as my gift.  As with a new born, each new thing they do, each new adventure they try and each new accomplishment is as fascinating to watch today as were those small “first steps.”

Snowbird Wayne?

Last weekend I went on a quick visit to my dad and brother in Florida.  Between the cold winter we had this year and the guaranteed warmer weather without snow in Florida, it does make me wonder about becoming a snowbird.  I know that I am in the age group where we begin to think about this, as the winters are seemingly colder than in prior years.  We have friends that are also starting to think along the same lines.  In the little time visiting, I had two completely different experiences.

My father lives in a planned adult community (which at 56, I can buy a unit on my own).  The community is set around an executive golf course, has all types of clubs and a theater on the grounds for movies and live entertainment.  As with many similar developments, there is one club house with a main pool and each sub-development has its own pool.  We have been visiting here for many years – it is a well-kept community in an up and coming town.  A few years ago, they put in a “promenade” where you can wander around outside, shop and eat at good restaurants and a few higher end bars.  It is an idyllic environment.  This visit, I did not have a car, so in the morning after exercising, I was all set to walk to breakfast.  Dunkin Donuts was a 10-minute walk, a pizza place 20, and all else not a short walking distance. 

My brother is staying in a more urban environment.  It is more like apartment living, with each building offering its own amenities, full-service concierges and front door “people”.  The local supermarket is two blocks away, plenty of places to eat and an outdoor concert stage 10 blocks away.  Without having a car, it was easy enough to walk out the back, stroll along the water, pick up a few things and walk back to the apartment.  While I like the grounds where my dad lives, the ease of living without a car on a daily basis does have its appeal.  While physically able, this would be great, and similar to when I travel for work where I like to be where everything I could need is within a short walk.

And then, as quick as the flight down to Florida was, the trip was over and I am flying back home.  Today I could be wearing shorts if I want to and the freezing cold weather is a distant memory.  My girls are sitting in the next room, our friends are in the area and all of our daily living is in New Jersey.  I do not have to choose between the two differing experiences yet, and am still happy where we are.  Truth is, one day we will hopefully have grandchildren and will want to be close by…so the dreams for the future can remain dreams for now and I happily defer that choice for now.

Do We Get Older, Or Do Just Our Kids?

Every year, we enjoy the Super Bowl with the same group of people.  Yes, sometimes we might stop over other people homes, but for the most part, we have been with the same group for many years.  This year I was joking with the hostess how no one had beers in their hands and there was no one doing shots.  We must be getting old, I said as I laughed.  “I am sure the guys would do a shot with you,” she responded smiling.  I realized that I really did not want a shot and was quite happy the way I was.

Everyone looks the same as I remember them to look over the years.  OK, there were knee, hip, back issues, etc., that needed to be addressed by some in attendance.  Still, they looked and acted the same.  Talk of grandchildren was in the conversation this year, talk of marriages, talk of…Wait a minute, are we really getting older?  Two days before the Super Bowl, I joked with Gab on her birthday that she is one-year shy of the quarter century mark.  “Dad!  Why would you age me, 24 sounds much younger!”  she responded.

Maybe we are getting older, beginning to show some of the telltale signs of the aging process.  Debbie and I are amongst the younger end of our group of friends; But I can see the birthday ending in a zero only a few years away.  We do not look like I remember my grandparents looking at this age.  My eye doctor would surely let me know that my eyesight is not what it was when I was Gab and Bec’s age.  One thing is true, I believe that we try to be more active than previous generations.  We exercise more, we tend to eat healthier, we tend to plan longer into the future.  I did prepare my daughter by letting her know that when she is 100 years old, I plan to be there…”Oh my G-d, Dad,” she bursted out.

Michael Douglas just got the nod for adding a new Yiddish phrase into the English language when he recently yelled out at the Golden Globes, “Alte kakas rule!”  I guess that becoming an “old fart” can be done with a bit of grace and respect.  At the end of the Super Bowl, the hostess commented that they had bought less food and that even more food was left over than last year.  With the “Oys,” the grunts and creaks of everyone standing up, most people lined up to take a doggie bag for lunches the next day.  I passed the hostess and made the comment, “Don’t tell me they are all taking the softer foods,” to which she laughed while wrapping up an easy to chew “nosh” for the next day for one of our friends.

The Meaning of Legacy?

During a recent conversation, it turned briefly about leaving a legacy.  Does not matter who I was talking to or the general reference, because after we touched on the topic, in one of those rare instances, my mind began to take off on its own direction on leaving a legacy.  What is the importance of leaving a legacy?  What really is a legacy? And, do we have a say in our personal legacies?  It was off to the races and I am sure that I nodded to the person I was speaking to as the conversation went into auto-pilot before they got distracted and moved on.  My mind, over the next few days, continued to revisit this thought though.

There was a point in time, not too long ago, where I thought that a legacy meant having your name adorning a wall somewhere to mark that you have been there.  Not unlike the old “Washington slept here” plaques that were scattered throughout the original 13 colonies.  I have recently come to realize that a name plate would only be a name attached to a list with potentially no meaning behind it.  

Years ago, a highly successful person who had many various successful careers explained success in family terms – that when the future generation see your picture over the mantlepiece, they will know that you were the one that change direction of the family to where they are today.  One of the definitions provided by Merriam-Webster Dictionary is “something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past.”  Base on this definition, the legacy is not in the name, but the actions or results of specific actions that are able to be passed from generation to generation.  In my Washington example, it might be nice to know where he rested his head at night, but we all know the impact (legacy) that Washington the man, the leader, the general, the president and, yes, thought leader left behind for all Americans.  

So, my name on a wall might only be a monument to myself.  Hopefully my children will one day point them out and say to their children, “Do you know who that is?”  I know 50-50 percent chance they will say yes.  At that point, I am just another plaque adorning a listing.  If they respond, “Is that our grandfather,” then I have left an impression more than a name.  Changing the course of future possibilities, making a HUGE dent in the universe and leaving a mark behind are all noble endeavors and things we hear people spending significant time worrying over.  I am busy spending my time focusing on the goals in front of me and accomplishing the things that I need to do.  Most importantly, I already have a legacy, whether the name Wayne Zeiler is remembered or not, in that I have a beautiful family, and if I do not dent the universe, hopefully the values and lessons Debbie and I pass on will one cause that Zeiler-down-the-line to do something truly amazing and unique.

Oh, No - The Time Has Come

As I was putting the touches on last week’s blog, I realized the posting date: March 5^th.  It seems ironic that as I am writing about marking time, the date posting is significant in Debbie and my life.  As of this date, March 5th, my children are no longer children!  Both of my children have officially crossed the threshold into young adulthood.  Our baby is a baby no more!  A year ago, Bec did not embrace the age of 20, where, in her words, she became a somebody.  But turning 21, she could not be more excited!  Legally, there are different ages that come with different steps towards this status (i.e., driving age, voting age, etc.).  21 is just a special age for young adults.

The funny thing, my mom always said to my brothers and I that no matter how old we got, we would still be her babies.  We used to laugh – we were no longer babies.  Now as an adult, with two kids of my own, I can finally understand and appreciate her words.  My little girls (and yes, they still know how to act like little girls when they want something) are young adults venturing forth in the world, so they are no longer children.  They have ideas and thoughts for themselves and their potential futures, so they are no longer children.  They are no longer living full time in our house, so they are no longer children.  Do I sometimes wish that they were younger and we could have the same great fun together?  Of course!  However, I do love spending this time with them as they are today, because, in reality, the only time I can spend with them is now. 

I guess that my parents’ words to me were true; that you do not see yourself growing older, but you see how old you have become by watching your children grow up.  While celebrating my brother’s birthday, we looked, acted and behaved as we always have.  We are aging at the same rate, facing similar age related things.  When we are with our girls, we can clearly see the different phases in their lives.  With each phase means that we also have also moved onto a new phase.  As they grow and mature, we realize we also have grown (I cannot, as always, comment on my own maturity levels).

So, we can raise the virtual glass and toast Bec and the age of 21!  Here’s to a great year, a year of firsts and a year of new adventures and experiences.  As always, I look forward to the wonderful things that comes next…

The Marking of Time

“Your baby brother turned 50,” my cousin recently remarked and “how old I must feel”.  Nope, I do not feel old, nor do either of us act older.  In fact, both of my brothers and I, and a brother from another mother, had the opportunity to celebrate the ringing in of the second half of the century.  I do not remember what we did when my dad turned 50 (I would have been 22).  I do not think it included being away together, enjoying some music and “eating and drinking like kings” in 80-degree weather.  As far as I am concerned, my journey…our journey through life is hardly nearing the end cycle, as there is still more to see, do and experience.

One would think that the easy way, at this juncture in life, is to start to plan for winding down, do the things that are safe and comfortable, and “reaping the seeds that we have sown.”  F that sh*t, man!  While I am still able, capable and have the energy, I am still taking the steps that Lao Tzu stated in the famous quote, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  I still believe in trying new things, working towards getting out of the circles that define us, and erasing the “ruts” in our lives.  We recently finished watching the two seasons of “Better Late Than Never” with Henry Winkler (b. 1945), George Foreman (b. 1949), Terry Bradshaw (b. 1948) and William Shatner (b. 1931).  The cool thing is that these guys, at their age (along with the comparatively young Jeff Dye), are willing to have new adventures, to travel to places they have never been and to experience new (and sometimes unusual) things.  A “reality show” that truly is inspiring.

At this point in my life, I travel to and from the airport by car – it is what I have always done and is comfortable.  For my brother’s birthday celebration, it would mean going from work to Florida, then being back in the office Monday morning; a quick adventure.  I decided to do something different for me – for the first time, I traveled from work to the airport by train.  By getting out of my routine and making this happen, the payoff was going to see the greatest living banjo player (according to ranker.com, behind the legendary Earl Scruggs), Bela Fleck, with his talented band the Flecktones.  This was followed by an evening of birthday celebrations.  The next day, we got to surprise my Dad (not an easy thing to do) to a wonderful dinner.  Another great night before the next day when we had a great lunch eating like Neanderthals at Joe’s Crab Shack before each of us starting to head home.

We are busy all the time, I get it.  But we need to sometimes step back and enjoy the adventures before us.  It is all about the journey, and in having multifaceted lives, the journeys can come from different directions.  We are never too old to step outside the circles that we draw around us.  So, for my brother, traveling along his journey of a thousand miles, his birthday was merely a mile marker along the path, a place to pause, a stop along the way.  One can look back and marvel at where they have come, or more importantly, look forward to the horizon and continue the epic journey that lays ahead, towards new experiences and adventures.

Seasons

Breaking news: Summer is really over in New Jersey!

I cannot believe this as I sit here typing in the beginning of November and this is my thought.  This simple thought was triggered by the fact that this past Sunday was our group’s final official round of golf.  The golf season where we play starts in April and ends in October.  In my mind, this is a warm weather sport, which means that golf season = summer.  Last round of golf = end of summer.  Weird, huh?  When I was young, I remember equating summer with no school and going to camp.  In retrospect, summers are now much longer than the July and August school break (or June to September for college age). 

As I had these thoughts, I began to realize how our perceptions change as we get older.  When I first learned to play golf, it was at Camp Echo Lark, where we had a golf-pro teach us how to play.  Golf was a game that both my grandfathers played, and at the time, the golf pro was about their age (or so it seemed from my point of view).  Since my father did not play, in my mind, golf was for older folks.  Fast-forward about forty years and some of my friends decided to learn the game.  After the first year that they played, I joined the group.  Our tee time has been early on Sunday mornings, so that when we are done, we still have the full afternoon. 

I am not a grandparent, and years younger than the age of my grandparents were when I first learned to play golf.  Truth is, we are up early, doing an outdoor activity, having some laughs and hanging with friends.  It is funny, my brother has played golf, we have friends that have children that play, but my perception did not change until I had the clubs in my hand.  I am not a good player, but I still go out (yes, I had to get over the fear of being a bad player).  I play with an old hand me down set, but I play.  And now, the clubs get put back into the garage for next year, for you see, summer is officially over…this year.

I Still Like Having a Birthday

A friend recently joked, “My next birthday I can move into an adult community…”  I laughed, because in my mind an adult community is where my dad lives in Florida.  Then I stopped laughing.  The person I was talking to is all of one week older than I am.  You know the communities that he was talking about…they go by such names as “55 and older” or “active retirement.”  Hold on – I am not one of them!  I am not thinking about retirement; I am not thinking about an “older” community, I am not that old!  Or, am I? 

Let me see…it might be time to take stock of some facts:

• My kids are still kids – no, they are young adults
• I have many more years of work – truth is, using the 32 years since I graduated college, means if this is the midpoint, I will be working until 87 (if so, hoping not out of necessity).
• My years in the workforce are greater than the age of some of the people they hire at work.
• I still have a lot of energy – yeah, one thing going for me
• I still live an active (non-retirement) lifestyle

OK - I have to face the truth that this week I turn 55!  While I am thinking these thoughts, another friend recently commented on how he is beginning a plan to move towards retirement.  I cannot even imagine a time where I no longer get up and go to work.  For me, thinking about retirement would mean not only planning financially (i.e., some type of residual income), but also what I would do to fill my days.  I am neither the person who is fascinated with sitting on a front porch watching the grass grow nor that person sitting in front of the TV.  Fact is, there once was a day when retirement age was 65 (only 10 years away), or 62 for “early” retirement.  I might not think like a millennial, but I still have things to accomplish, goals to achieve, places to visit, adventures to experience and learning to do.

I am, however, at the point where deep down, it would be nice to one day reach the point when money is no object, I can travel when I want, volunteer when and where I want, be an inspiration to my descendants, help others and continue to live a meaningful life.  In truth, as I get older, I still want to make that childhood desire to live to be 100.  Over the last couple of years, I have changed some aspects of my life to be healthier, which should give me more time on this planet. 

So then, what will I do for my birthday / what is my goal for the upcoming year?  My goal, on this birthday, is to learn a new instrument, which I just purchased – the banjo (see picture).  This is an instrument I have always been curious about (the other instrument is the harp, but too big) and decided after being in Nashville that is it was time to give it a go.  While I can play a little bit on the guitar and read music, this 5-string instrument is not played like a guitar and has its own way of music writing method.  It will be fun posting updates (and easier on the eyes than my fitness updates were) during the next year.  Maybe, just maybe, instead of shocking your eyes, I can thrill your ears!