On Being President

I have to confess – being a president of an organization is not easy.  Keep in mind the plaque that Harry S Truman used to display, “The buck stops here.”  When things go well, it is great: you are happy to point out those who achieved, there is a sense of pride in the group that you are leading, a feeling that you can accomplish anything and a general aura of happiness.  When things go less than well, it is not so great: there is no one else to blame, there is a feeling of the weight of the world on your shoulders, the thoughts swirling in your head that you backed yourself into a corner and a general feeling of disappointment.  In either case, you still have to go out with a smile on, say the words to encourage others to attain their best and continue to strive for goals and objectives.  The role comes with no set hours, no physical office and plenty of opinions.

OK, I framed this as being the president of the Jewish Community Center of Paramus / Congregation Beth Tikvah.  I could have swapped out the word president for leader…or head of household…or manager…or any other leadership title.  Sure – the size of the group / organization, the number of people involved, the magnitude of the decisions are different, there is a varying level of stress related to them and the number of eyes that watch your every move differ; it is still the case where others look to you to…lead.  While all leaders have different personalities, different methods and different ways of relating, the role is anything but passive.  This is an active role, where you need to be on your best game most of the time.  As a parent, you have to lead your family in life, teach your children the virtues that will help them in their lives and manage a household.  Any leadership role has a component of guiding others, providing some form of education and management.  In all related situations, it is how you react, how you handle yourself and how you communicate to others that matters.

I was once taught that good leaders are in the front of the group that they lead (yes, like they sing in Peter Pan, “we’re following the leader…”), rather than standing in the back and dictating where everyone should go.  The importance is doing, as most people observe by watching what others do and how they react.  There is the story about Mahatma Gandhi, where a mother brings her son to the famous and says, “Can you tell my son to not eat sweets.”  Gandhi looked at the boy and said to the mother come back next week.  The following week, the mother did as she was instructed and once again stood before this great man and says, “Can you tell my son to not eat sweets.”  Gandhi looked at the boy and told him to stop eating sweets.  Dumbfounded, the mother asks why he could not say that last; to which Gandhi replied, “Last week, I was eating sweets.”  The lesson is simple, never ask someone to do something that you yourself are not willing to do nor have not done before.  Leaders lead.

Vince Lombardi said, “Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile!”  He is right – there is a lot of hard work that happens.  There was hard work prior to taking on the role.  There is hard work that is on-going.  There is still hard work ahead.  The time spent reading, learning and developing relationships and discussing ideas set the groundwork.  Continuing to paint visions, continuing to build relationships and constantly re-evaluating and learning from every action / reaction helps us to learn from the past to move forward.  This has been a learning experience and has taken many more hours than I would have thought.  As I have reached the end of my first year and started the second year, I am happy with the journey, thankful for my family and their support, appreciative for the help / advice of many friends (old and new) and truly happy for the community which I, for a temporary point in time, have been given leadership.  It is truly about the communities we live in.  Helen Keller said it well when she said, “Alone, we can do so little; together, we can do so much.”

My Girls are Home!

For the first time in six years, our house is officially home to both of our children.  Our status as empty nesters is temporarily on hold.  Graduation a few weeks ago was a major milestone for Bec and for us as both girls have now finished their formal education.  I use the word formal because education should never truly end, as we all still have many things to learn as we travel through life.  Like a book, we have reached the end of one chapter, and have turned the page to begin a new one.

Gab moved back a year ago as she took a job in this area.  Debbie and I are happy to have her live with us to help provide the opportunity to save money before moving out on her own.  Same now goes for Bec.  And while that is the practical rationale, the truth is, even if this is for a short period, it is a good feeling to have the family back together.  Again, I know that this is temporary, because as much as we would like them to stay, the old adage, “our house, our rules” still applies.  Not sure if that is a negative reflection on us as being unchanging, but we still see our little girls as just that.  I remember, before getting married, when I was at my parent’s home, it felt like at many times they treated me as that little boy who grew up there and only saw the adult Wayne when I was outside their house.  Alright, I will admit, in hindsight it was kind of nice to be pampered, have food prepared for me and have my laundry washed, folded and put away.

Still, in the realm of milestones, the next chapter where we become empty nesters for good cannot be too many years off.  My mom always said to my brothers and me that “…no matter how old you are, you will always be my babies.”  My brothers and I laughed at that.  It has taken decades for that comment to finally catch up with me, as the girls are still our little kids – albeit in grown up form, grown up mannerisms, grown up attitudes, and grown up objectives.  Okay, I just described young adults, not children.  I guess the lesson learned, and the most important thing, is to enjoy them while they are still under our roof.   This should always be a place of comfort, a place of warmth and a place for family to congregate, for as long as Debbie and are able to make it so.

Passover Thoughts

“Mah Nishtana halilah ha-zeh? (מה נשתנה הלילה הזה)” is the opening to one of the first things we recite at Passover.  This is the phrase that asks the question, “Why is this night different” and sets out the tone and reason for celebrating the Passover Seder.  This is generally recited by the youngest person in the room, as it is the children that should ask the questions and the adults that recount the story towards becoming the Jewish People.  I remember those many long years ago when it was my turn to recite the questions and my father working with me to help me memorize the words and melody.  This is a tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation.  Even this year, as the “Mah Nishtana” came up, my nephew declared himself the youngest and went right into it.  As we age, these words seem to take on different meanings and each year, new family memories are made.

Even now, as an adult, I have great memories of Passover Seders long gone.  This year, my first cousin spent Passover with my father in Florida.  I remember being at my Grandfathers house with her and her brothers and the entire Zeiler clan (classic family patriarch running the Seder), and sitting at the end of the table being goofy, imitating our favorite cartoon characters and laughing.  Sometimes, my brothers and I would pull together some schtick.  I remember singing “Do You Love Me?” from Fiddler on the Roof, where I was singing the Goldie part and my brother did Tevye.  Then there was the time at my other grandparent’s house, in front of the entire family we did the Cheech and Chong routine “Cheborneck.”  This classic bit, if you have not heard before, is worth a listen.  By the time we finished, the elderly folk at the table had to pick their jaws up from the table.  We always finished the Haggadah (the book used during the Seder), but always managed to have lots of fun.

This year, when I looked up at our Seder (which I lead), as always, it is great to have new people experience our version of this tradition.  Done correctly, it is an event to remember and any first timers to a Seder, will never experience it again.  This year, most importantly, after a hectic year, with everyone in our family seemingly running all over the place, my traveling to Michigan and prepping for the holiday, it was great to have our family all in one room.  We prepared for the holiday as a family, we each add our own goofiness to the Seder and, best thing of all, we do it together as a family.  I know I have reflected on this in the past, but it is true that family time all together like this starts to be less frequent as the girls grow up.  I know, it is inevitable that they will “grow up”, move out and one day have their own families.  NO RUSH!  As long, as we continue to get together as a family for events like this, all is good.  This is where the memories that we carry with us come from and we hope to continue to make new ones for generations to come.

Time Together

Over the past 20+ years, I have had the opportunity to travel a decent amount.  The one definite thing is, while I get to go to some neat places, most of the time, I travel alone.  This means that most of the time I eat dinner alone, walk around in my down time alone and have taken tours alone.  There is no glamour to travel like I originally thought prior to the first business trip I took, which was alone.  You learn quickly, that the plane ride, train or car ride are, in reality, just different modes of commuting. 

I do take some pictures and send them back home, but it is not the same as sharing the experience.  This last trip to Ireland, Debbie joined me for most of my time working there.  Let me tell you – it made this trip special, as it was great having her with me – someone to talk to at the end of the day, have dinner with, and explore together.  The ability to share the experiences together as opposed to relating the experience are worlds apart.  Having my wife, my partner and best friend along, to share, to go on adventures with and create memories together are of great value to us.

It is the precious time we spend together that matters most.  We all have the hustle and bustle of daily life pulling us in multiple different directions, sometime we are running around together, sometimes we do so separately.  Working full time takes up most the day, being involved in areas of interest and volunteering takes up time and having a family rounds out our daily, weekly and monthly time.  It is times like this past week that I am thankful to have married my best friend.  While it is nice to know that we are there for each other, it is cool to create that bubble where the two of us can be together.  Most importantly, a trip together reminds us that we still love being together, having adventures and spending valuable time together. 

Commitment and Follow Through

“I do!”  Those two words are instantly recognized as the moment two people ceremoniously commit to each other during a wedding.  Two people in love, getting ready to join (formally) together for the future.  We recently went to a friend’s daughter’s wedding and my thoughts wandered to thinking about the times when we commit and the ability to actually follow through.

The key question is - What does it mean to commit, and does it stop once you say yes?  Coming up on my 27^th wedding anniversary, the commitment to Debbie has never stopped.  Being a father (yes, the commitment was before the action) is a commitment to Debbie and both Gab and Bec.  Anyone I have worked for, I have been committed to provide to the best of my ability towards the company’s success.  Now that I am a volunteer president, I have committed to serve my community / congregation.  Saying “Yes” is the easy the part; it is what follows that proves if one is up for the challenge, willing to exceed expectation and prepared to own up (take responsibility) for one’s actions.  The saying “actions speak louder than words” is true when following up on the commitment.  For all activities, whether we realize it or not, there is a bar set for us (expectations), it is how we strive to surpass the bar, or our attitude towards our goals and the perception of us that determines our success.  Our own commitments and actions start on day one.

To evaluate the commitment of others, this becomes more of a two-fold task.  First is our perception of their commitment (based on the things mentioned previously) and holding them accountable for their actions.  The first is easier.  We are all critics of what we see, are we not?  The second, however, is more difficult.  This includes providing constructive feedback and advice and reviewing their actions, all in relation to the expectations set up front and the outline of the role.  Yes, employee reviews go under this. The first time I did an employee review, I had no idea what I was doing.  Since then, I have learned to be better at it.  Being a parent?  Yup, that’s right, this is something we help and teach our children.

As we watched the beautiful ceremony, both the bride and the groom looked so happy, standing under the chupah, smiling as the Rabbi finished up the ceremony.  And with those two words, “I do,” both young adults publicly made their commitments, first the bride to the groom and then the groom to the bride.  Together, they have taken that all important step and now comes the work of creating a lifetime together.