The Year of the Plague

דם (Blood), צפרדע (Frogs)…as we were reciting the 10 plagues that Hashem brought upon the land of ancient Egypt during the Passover Seder, it was hard not to relate the words in the Haggadah to the pandemic that has hit 180+ countries.  As we read the words together, I looked up at the Dining Room table where I was seated with Debbie, Gab and Bec.  Last year, as in prior years, we filled the Living Room with the large gathering we have become used to for our first Seder night.  In a matter of a month, the way we handle our day to day activities, gather and communicate has significantly changed.  I never thought we would see the day where reaching out to greet a friend (hand shake, hug) would be shunned because of the potential hazardous impact.  What was once a friendly welcoming gesture is now considered inconsiderate and spurned.

About 24 years ago, my mother was dying of a different potentially deadly affliction – cancer.  I remember going to visit her in the hospital after one of her chemo treatments, where the nurses greeted us at the door and made sure that we put on hospital gowns over our clothes, covered our heads and wore gloves and a mask.  In this case, it was not to protect us, but to protect my mother, as her immune system had taken a temporary hit due to her treatment.  It was not comfortable, nor pleasant, but to visit and spend time together, we all knew what we had to do.  That year, Mom did make it to the Seder, propped up on a couch where she could hear us but was too weak to participate.  That was her last Passover.

We are once again required to wear a mask and gloves, but this time when going out to shop.  We are all practicing social distancing and found new ways to sit around the table to “visit” with out friends and families.  This means that the four of us sat at the festively decorated Dining Room table, with a place for Elijah and my laptop where family and friends joined so that we could all have a Seder together.  With a couple of tweaks, some deletions and a few additions, we were still able to have a fun, fulfilling Seder.  Our Zoom Seder still had group singing, parts for everyone to participate and some goofiness.  This included attempting to pass things between windows (it was magical) and the usual props appearing, just in a newer format.  I guess the lesson here is that we can still persevere, no matter the conditions, to get together and celebrate together. 

Like our ancestors, we will live through this plague to see another day.  We say at the end of each Seder, “Next year in Jerusalem,” this year I added, “Next year we will all be together to celebrate.”  

Passover Thoughts

“Mah Nishtana halilah ha-zeh? (מה נשתנה הלילה הזה)” is the opening to one of the first things we recite at Passover.  This is the phrase that asks the question, “Why is this night different” and sets out the tone and reason for celebrating the Passover Seder.  This is generally recited by the youngest person in the room, as it is the children that should ask the questions and the adults that recount the story towards becoming the Jewish People.  I remember those many long years ago when it was my turn to recite the questions and my father working with me to help me memorize the words and melody.  This is a tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation.  Even this year, as the “Mah Nishtana” came up, my nephew declared himself the youngest and went right into it.  As we age, these words seem to take on different meanings and each year, new family memories are made.

Even now, as an adult, I have great memories of Passover Seders long gone.  This year, my first cousin spent Passover with my father in Florida.  I remember being at my Grandfathers house with her and her brothers and the entire Zeiler clan (classic family patriarch running the Seder), and sitting at the end of the table being goofy, imitating our favorite cartoon characters and laughing.  Sometimes, my brothers and I would pull together some schtick.  I remember singing “Do You Love Me?” from Fiddler on the Roof, where I was singing the Goldie part and my brother did Tevye.  Then there was the time at my other grandparent’s house, in front of the entire family we did the Cheech and Chong routine “Cheborneck.”  This classic bit, if you have not heard before, is worth a listen.  By the time we finished, the elderly folk at the table had to pick their jaws up from the table.  We always finished the Haggadah (the book used during the Seder), but always managed to have lots of fun.

This year, when I looked up at our Seder (which I lead), as always, it is great to have new people experience our version of this tradition.  Done correctly, it is an event to remember and any first timers to a Seder, will never experience it again.  This year, most importantly, after a hectic year, with everyone in our family seemingly running all over the place, my traveling to Michigan and prepping for the holiday, it was great to have our family all in one room.  We prepared for the holiday as a family, we each add our own goofiness to the Seder and, best thing of all, we do it together as a family.  I know I have reflected on this in the past, but it is true that family time all together like this starts to be less frequent as the girls grow up.  I know, it is inevitable that they will “grow up”, move out and one day have their own families.  NO RUSH!  As long, as we continue to get together as a family for events like this, all is good.  This is where the memories that we carry with us come from and we hope to continue to make new ones for generations to come.

The Best Way to Enjoy the Holidays – As a Family

As the opening strains of “There’s No Seder Like Our Seder” begin, I look around the room at the family and friends that have gathered to celebrate this first night of Passover.  Both daughters came home from college for the Seders, a holiday / event that they both look forward to each year.  Do we do a traditional Seder – Yes and No.  The underlying text we use – Yes.  The method of delivery – No.  The Seder has the potential for being a stuffy affair, but not in the Zeiler household!  I learned early on that the more fun we have, the more everyone stays involved.  In the back of my mind, I still have pictured Uncle Hy, at my Mother’s parent’s house, sitting at the foot of the table, head back and snoring.  

How many time do we go to some event and it is exactly the same way it was the previously.  Yes, there is some comfort in repetition and know every step by heart.  As I get older, in a world where each day has its own challenges, there is a warm feeling of doing something by rote as a means of comfort.  That would relate to me, but what about the other people in the room?  Can I really say, “If it was good for my grandfather…”?  When the girls were little, Debbie and I started to host the Seders, but we wanted it to be accessible to our children, including them and be fun at the same time.   The Seder had to be fun for the adults as well.  We started to look for things to enhance the experience, which included song sheet, which eventually became a part of our homemade Haggadah.  Then came props, some I use, some others use.

Gab’s freshman year, we did not know if she would come home.  She came home.  This year, both Gab and Bec were not 100% sure they were coming home – they were here.  When asked what they like about coming home for the Seders?  They answered that they enjoy the company, being with family, and our own tradition.  Everyone is involved in some way or other.  This year, Bec did all of the baking.  With some new kids at our Seder, the girls included them and helped created activities for them.  We are proud that our children realize the importance of keeping everyone engaged.

Sometimes, we go through the motions of ceremonies that have been handed down, as a way to connect with our past or share our culture backgrounds with our children.  Sometimes, we need to inject a little something to make it relevant, to make it fresh and to make it exciting.  How do you make your family traditions exciting?

Yay! It is that time year again!

What do doody, fake boobs and a beard have in common? 

The Passover Seder at our house!

Huh?  We know that using matza in cooking for eight days is a binding agent, but the boobs and beard?

And, what does that picture of Gilligan have to do with this topic?  Which episode was that from?

All good questions, my friends, but hold that thought for a minute.  Some quick background, first.  Growing up, we used to go to my dad’s parents for the first night (saw the cousins), and then my mom’s parents the second night (saw much older cousins, aunts and uncles).  The structure for both nights was the same – blessings over the wine, reading the Exodus story, eating, praying and some singing.  These were long nights.  The second was mostly in Hebrew, during which Uncle Hy would fall asleep at the table.  Eventually, my parents had the Seders and then Debbie and I picked up the mantle.  I liked my paternal grandfather’s book (the Haggadah), but they were out of print.  What is a boy to do?

Re-invent the Seder!

I scanned the pages of the book, added some fun songs to the mix and tried to figure out how to “spice things up.”  We throw the doody whenever we read the word duty (two times).  Whoever reads the line “thy breasts have become firm…” (shows up one time) has to wear the breasts.  And the beard?  The next reader has to wear that creatively.  We have seen it as a beard, Don King style hair, used as a merken, under the armpits, etc. 

There is a part of the service, in the second half, where we open the door to let in the spirit of the prophet Elijah.  We invite the children to open the door.  One year, when the girls were young, my brother Jeff agreed to play Elijah.  He was very excited; we had hidden a sheet to wear, he had a hockey stick as a staff and the beard.  When Gab and Bec opened the back door, out jumped “Elijah.”  Just like a cartoon, the hair of both girls went straight up, they both screamed and it took an hour to calm them down.  For weeks after, if they saw the beard on the chair, they screamed and cried in fright.  The beard then became part of the Seder…

There was the year where all of the kids (our girls, nephews, friends) put on a creative play.  Every year, I ask questions to the kids to engage them, explain what we are doing to new comers, and just have a fun time.  What I have learned is:

• Tradition – While we all have religious traditions passed down through the ages, start your own family traditions.  Yeah, but, they did this in the year gimmel…OK, but there is no (religious) law that dictates some of our actions.  Keep traditions you like and add new ones.  This will make any holiday more meaningful to you and can be something your children will happily carry forward.
• Include Everyone – Family events = inclusion.  We include my Egyptian sister-in-law and non-Jews friends / family.  Why?  If we want to invite other Jews to participate, we sure better be open to including their spouse, significant other or special friend.  I believe in the saying, confused people do nothing.  Include and engage all who attend, which leads to a more fun evening for everyone attending.
• Make your own Memories – Find the things that will create the memories, for not only you, but also the people participating.  We are the only family I know that has the Seder in the living room, sitting comfortably on the floor or couches.  We use props and sing alternate songs, etc.  My brother once commented that his kids know no other Seder and it has left a positive impact on them.  Make the event count. 
• Vive la Différence – We grew up having a special set of dishes for Passover, which I still do today.  “Wayne, that must be a drag.”  Point of perspective – if my mindset is “this sucks,” then it does.  I enjoy the change and I am not bothered by the effort.  It is an opportunity to clean up the kitchen, enjoy a different set of foods (like the mandel bread pictured below) and give a fresh look to our daily, recurring, everyday life.  I find it exciting to do the change for eight days, relish in the disruption and look forward to it every year. 

• Have Fun – Loosen up!  From a purely religious point of view, holidays are serious business.  Not everyone likes to be serious all the time.  Find a way to lighten things up.  For Passover, from the cues in pop culture, either you can be the Moses played by Charlton Heston or by Mel Brooks.  This is my favorite holiday, so it should be fun!  

Each year, we have a new guest come to our Seders.  Good eats, good fun, at least four cups of wine and lots of laughs.  That is how all holidays should be celebrated!  

What are your favorite holidays and your “special” family traditions?