Facing the Music

How often in our lives do we have a chance to stand tall and face the music?  This is not like going to hear our favorite musical group or listening to our children’s musical endeavors (or husband’s as in Debbie’s case).  I am talking about points in our lives, in our business, in our activities where there is a tough issue to face, a difficult junction for the future or a change that is required.  We face minor versions of this on a daily basis.  We have all watched other people and how they handle the situation – some people stand tall to make a decision showing great confidence, while some people wait to see how other people will react and other people find something else to hold their attention so as not to address what they should.

When facing the music, it can come in more than one flavor.  Often, we see the item at hand ahead of time with plenty of notice (if we are diligent about paying attention).  With a lot of lead time, instead of addressing the issue, we procrastinate and wait until the last minute missing potential opportunities occur.  A second would be when we round a corner that brings an issue to the forefront.  We see, we know it is there, we saw the cause and effect that caused it and have the time to react and adjust accordingly.  This is business as usual.  The third would be a crisis.  Eyes wide open, diligence of watching for pitfalls can not prepare one for facing something that needs a resolution NOW.  In this case we are most reactive and will have to possibly adjust afterwards once the dust settles.

In all three cases, you can decide not to face the music and be passive all the time.  In the second scenario, the way one reacts becomes more about their daily attitude.  For the people we known, we have a pretty good idea on how they will react to different situations.  We have all know managers, decision makers, etc. who we might go to when things arise because we have seen how they react and ask for their advice.  Yes, asking for advice helps when you know someone has been in the same situation.  It is the first scenario, where we have the most amount of time to correct a course, enact new ideas and strategize for the future that can become the most painful to face the music on.  Because there is no immediate sense of urgency, the tendency is that things will correct themselves and we hope for the best; however, hope is not an actionable item.  We also can fall into the trap defined by the quote attributed to Albert Einstein, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.”  If addressed up front, it is easier to make required changes, but by procrastinating facing the music there comes a difficulty where options have been narrowed due to waiting.

Facing the music has not gotten any easier since we have been children.  Leadership requires donning the big boy or girl pants.  Being an adult means taking responsibility when things are difficult.  In the television show “Once Upon a Time,” Rumpelstiltskin said many time “Magic comes with a cost.”  The same is true for the decisions and the timing on when they are made (i.e., action / reaction).   I agree – it is much easier to be streaming a favorite playlist, spinning our favorite platter or popping a disc into a player (notice, no 8-track reference).  Sometimes, we just have to put on the headphones to create the sound track when we go to face the music. 

My Girls are Home!

For the first time in six years, our house is officially home to both of our children.  Our status as empty nesters is temporarily on hold.  Graduation a few weeks ago was a major milestone for Bec and for us as both girls have now finished their formal education.  I use the word formal because education should never truly end, as we all still have many things to learn as we travel through life.  Like a book, we have reached the end of one chapter, and have turned the page to begin a new one.

Gab moved back a year ago as she took a job in this area.  Debbie and I are happy to have her live with us to help provide the opportunity to save money before moving out on her own.  Same now goes for Bec.  And while that is the practical rationale, the truth is, even if this is for a short period, it is a good feeling to have the family back together.  Again, I know that this is temporary, because as much as we would like them to stay, the old adage, “our house, our rules” still applies.  Not sure if that is a negative reflection on us as being unchanging, but we still see our little girls as just that.  I remember, before getting married, when I was at my parent’s home, it felt like at many times they treated me as that little boy who grew up there and only saw the adult Wayne when I was outside their house.  Alright, I will admit, in hindsight it was kind of nice to be pampered, have food prepared for me and have my laundry washed, folded and put away.

Still, in the realm of milestones, the next chapter where we become empty nesters for good cannot be too many years off.  My mom always said to my brothers and me that “…no matter how old you are, you will always be my babies.”  My brothers and I laughed at that.  It has taken decades for that comment to finally catch up with me, as the girls are still our little kids – albeit in grown up form, grown up mannerisms, grown up attitudes, and grown up objectives.  Okay, I just described young adults, not children.  I guess the lesson learned, and the most important thing, is to enjoy them while they are still under our roof.   This should always be a place of comfort, a place of warmth and a place for family to congregate, for as long as Debbie and are able to make it so.

Carrying the Burden

How often do you wake up feeling like you have the weight of the world upon your shoulders?  I do not mean that the entire universe is resting on your shoulder like Atlas, where moving your pinky toe has a ripple effect on the everything in existence; however, some days it might feel like it.  The feeling might come from something you are planning, an event you are looking forward to or a presentation to upper management where the impact can affect future decisions.  We all know people who walk around feeling that the planet revolves around them but seemingly do not feel the burden that I am talking about.

Calling all parents – here is a group who definitely feel these burdens.  As parents, we are concerned about our children and their future and whether or not we have done enough to prepare them for their own lives.  Many of us still have our parents, where once they were our guardians, our teachers and our caregivers.  Today, the roles have begun, if not already, to change.  When I travel, I always have my phone on next to me, just in case my family needs to reach me in an emergency.  Yes, as our children move into the young adult phase, they become more independent, have jobs and can provide for themselves; however, it does ease that stress level up.

There are always the points in our lives where we have to address the choices before us, evaluate the options that stare us in the face and guide the path towards personal and collective futures.  This is where the stress and pressure can really come to a head.  It can be hard for most people to want to take on the responsibilities of ownership when it comes to this topic.  I have had the pleasure of sitting in meetings where we all look around the room waiting for someone to take ownership, knowing whom the correct person for the task should be… being “the person” to make decisions can cause the fear of not making the right choice, being afraid no one will like the decision and discomfort of having all eyes on them.   The people who rise to those occasions, most likely have the same concerns and fears – it is human nature, we all have that little voice (called doubt) chatting away in our heads.

When you feel that sense of burden, remember you are not alone.  Responsibility is not something to take lightly!  We have to remember our goals and objectives.  The causes, the values and the future outcomes we desire are what really make up who we are and the person who we strive to be.  Diligence, consistency and persistence help to negate the feelings of burden.  I still follow the old adage – plan the work, then work the plan in many parts of my life.  Many mornings, when I feel like Atlas with the world pressing down on my shoulders, I take a few minutes before getting out of bed, mentally revisit the activities for the day.  Doing this helps the weight of the world to lift off of my shoulders, because I understand what I need to do to get through the day.  And once the day ends, it is easy enough to review what happened, feel good about facing fears, address issues and accomplish goals and objectives.   

“School’s Out Forever!”

“If the band plays at my graduation party, they have to play School’s Out,” Bec recently informed me.  She is, of course, referring to the iconic Alice Cooper song.  After 17 years of formal education and an MBA, Bec has officially declared that for her, “School is out forever!”  For the child that always poo-poo’d education, the child that always questioned why she had to take certain “useless” courses and the child that accelerated the collegiate timetables to maximize the outcome in the least time available, her school career has come to an end.  For Bec, this year, it is no longer “School’s out for summer,” but instead, “School’s Out Forever!”

“No more teacher, no more books…”

I can safely say, that as a parent, it is a wonderous thing to watch our children grow up, going from the “naked and afraid” newborn to the mature, confident adults that they become.  At some point, they really no longer need our total guidance, nor do they always want our opinions.  OK, that last sentence comes from my own experiences growing up.  Once I was out of college, I was earning my own way (even though I was still living at “home”) and felt that it was my life to mess up if I wanted to.  Rightly and wrongly, I understood that I had to learn from my own mistakes, my parents did not have the same experiences that I had and grew up in a different time with different ways and different thinking.  I am sure my dad thought the same way with his parents and most likely Gab and soon Bec will be as well with us.  For all the things school teaches, independence and guiding your own daily lives is one of them.

“…No more teacher’s dirty looks…”

The two proud parents sat in the auditorium, emotionally driven by seeing our daughter walking down the aisle.  There were the usual people speaking and, of course, some great takeaways.  The CFO, on behalf of the alumni spoke, and told the students to cherish the day as it is truly a once in a lifetime event.  Next up was the honoree Doctorate Degree given to Cindy Bigelow, president and CEO of the #1 specialty tea company that bears her family name.  As a true leader, she exemplifies listening before speaking, such that she met with a delegation of students (of which Bec was honored at being a part of) and crafted her speech based upon the concern of the students’ future.  She spoke from the heart and was very personal in her talk.  Aside from providing strategies (you will find your passion, just have patience), she did remind the students, “…you are not perfect, neither am I, but you are amazing.”

“School’s Out for Summer…”

After the ceremony, we went out to celebrate over lunch.  The place we went to had spiked milk shakes which seemed appropriate.  Then we dropped off Bec and came home.  For the once shy child, the child that did not like going to school, she has grown into a young adult that makes her own decisions and can follow her own path.  It is hard as parents to experience this, but something we all go through.  We only want the best for our children, prepare them for the day they leave the nest and hopefully have built the bridges that maintain our relationships going forward.  Next week, we move Bec back home, officially ending her time staying in Providence.  She has a bright future ahead and we look forward to whatever that brings.  Congrats, Bec, on reaching this milestone and now, on to the next chapter!

“School’s Out Forever!”

And the Band Played On…

 It has been weeks…OK, it has been months since the full band has gotten together and played.  Yes, we each still play on our own to keep our fingers nimble, but to play as the whole group, now that is something special!  A bunch of middle-aged guys jamming in a basement?  Yup, that would be us, and we still work on new songs, figure out ways to play through difficult sections and most importantly, we play off each other.  What does that mean?  In the style we play, jamming can be more like a conversation, where we might start off talking about something, flow into some other area and then bring it back together.  This mean a bunch of improvising, where it is important to be able to play, but more so to listen and follow each other.  A great analogy for any group or team activity.

A project team, a committee or a sports team all have to be aware of each of the individual members and have to work together.  Just like each of these examples, in the band we do not have “positions” or “titles,” but we do have roles to play so that we do not step on each other’s toes and can complement each other’s talents.  There is the old saying, “G-d gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason.”  The key to playing in a group is the ability to listen and hear what each part is playing so that you know where everyone is going and can add value in a musical sense.  Any team or group working together has to have similar dynamics.  While in music, a discordant chard can signal an issue, in most team activities, the outcomes can fall short of expectations if everyone is not paying attention.

As with any activity where time has passed, there is some re-acquaintance that has to occur.  Whether playing or working with new people, there is always a getting to know you period.  Same when there are gaps in playing together.  We have often had reunion jams, where we play the songs that we are comfortable with and then venture off.  Like any team, it takes a bit of time to feel each other out and synch up with each other.  However, once that magical moment occurs, things begin to hit their groove and away we go.  Yes, it takes work and time to get to that point.  It is well worth the time and effort, for when we are all moving together, the magic occurs and wonder music happens.  As you can tell, I am looking forward to the reunion jam and, along with all related group activities, the wonderous outputs that we can produce.

Passover Thoughts

“Mah Nishtana halilah ha-zeh? (מה נשתנה הלילה הזה)” is the opening to one of the first things we recite at Passover.  This is the phrase that asks the question, “Why is this night different” and sets out the tone and reason for celebrating the Passover Seder.  This is generally recited by the youngest person in the room, as it is the children that should ask the questions and the adults that recount the story towards becoming the Jewish People.  I remember those many long years ago when it was my turn to recite the questions and my father working with me to help me memorize the words and melody.  This is a tradition that has been passed down from generation to generation.  Even this year, as the “Mah Nishtana” came up, my nephew declared himself the youngest and went right into it.  As we age, these words seem to take on different meanings and each year, new family memories are made.

Even now, as an adult, I have great memories of Passover Seders long gone.  This year, my first cousin spent Passover with my father in Florida.  I remember being at my Grandfathers house with her and her brothers and the entire Zeiler clan (classic family patriarch running the Seder), and sitting at the end of the table being goofy, imitating our favorite cartoon characters and laughing.  Sometimes, my brothers and I would pull together some schtick.  I remember singing “Do You Love Me?” from Fiddler on the Roof, where I was singing the Goldie part and my brother did Tevye.  Then there was the time at my other grandparent’s house, in front of the entire family we did the Cheech and Chong routine “Cheborneck.”  This classic bit, if you have not heard before, is worth a listen.  By the time we finished, the elderly folk at the table had to pick their jaws up from the table.  We always finished the Haggadah (the book used during the Seder), but always managed to have lots of fun.

This year, when I looked up at our Seder (which I lead), as always, it is great to have new people experience our version of this tradition.  Done correctly, it is an event to remember and any first timers to a Seder, will never experience it again.  This year, most importantly, after a hectic year, with everyone in our family seemingly running all over the place, my traveling to Michigan and prepping for the holiday, it was great to have our family all in one room.  We prepared for the holiday as a family, we each add our own goofiness to the Seder and, best thing of all, we do it together as a family.  I know I have reflected on this in the past, but it is true that family time all together like this starts to be less frequent as the girls grow up.  I know, it is inevitable that they will “grow up”, move out and one day have their own families.  NO RUSH!  As long, as we continue to get together as a family for events like this, all is good.  This is where the memories that we carry with us come from and we hope to continue to make new ones for generations to come.

Snowbird Wayne?

Last weekend I went on a quick visit to my dad and brother in Florida.  Between the cold winter we had this year and the guaranteed warmer weather without snow in Florida, it does make me wonder about becoming a snowbird.  I know that I am in the age group where we begin to think about this, as the winters are seemingly colder than in prior years.  We have friends that are also starting to think along the same lines.  In the little time visiting, I had two completely different experiences.

My father lives in a planned adult community (which at 56, I can buy a unit on my own).  The community is set around an executive golf course, has all types of clubs and a theater on the grounds for movies and live entertainment.  As with many similar developments, there is one club house with a main pool and each sub-development has its own pool.  We have been visiting here for many years – it is a well-kept community in an up and coming town.  A few years ago, they put in a “promenade” where you can wander around outside, shop and eat at good restaurants and a few higher end bars.  It is an idyllic environment.  This visit, I did not have a car, so in the morning after exercising, I was all set to walk to breakfast.  Dunkin Donuts was a 10-minute walk, a pizza place 20, and all else not a short walking distance. 

My brother is staying in a more urban environment.  It is more like apartment living, with each building offering its own amenities, full-service concierges and front door “people”.  The local supermarket is two blocks away, plenty of places to eat and an outdoor concert stage 10 blocks away.  Without having a car, it was easy enough to walk out the back, stroll along the water, pick up a few things and walk back to the apartment.  While I like the grounds where my dad lives, the ease of living without a car on a daily basis does have its appeal.  While physically able, this would be great, and similar to when I travel for work where I like to be where everything I could need is within a short walk.

And then, as quick as the flight down to Florida was, the trip was over and I am flying back home.  Today I could be wearing shorts if I want to and the freezing cold weather is a distant memory.  My girls are sitting in the next room, our friends are in the area and all of our daily living is in New Jersey.  I do not have to choose between the two differing experiences yet, and am still happy where we are.  Truth is, one day we will hopefully have grandchildren and will want to be close by…so the dreams for the future can remain dreams for now and I happily defer that choice for now.