Talk Too Much

I am sure that every ethnicity has a variation on the same joke…if you put # of [fill in the group] together in a room, you get # plus 2 opinions. 

In a recent meeting, there was a single, simple question asked and yet everyone felt the need to give an opinion.  There were only 2 or 3 possible responses to the question, but everyone felt obligated to provide an opinion, even though an overwhelming majority provided the same thoughts using almost the same words.  This caused what should have been a 10-minute conversation to last an hour.  Since some of the people in the group felt that they did give their opinion clearly the first (and second) time(s) that they spoke, and to clarify their positions, they repeated themselves again.  I have been in more meetings like this then I care to consider at this point. 

This goes back to a question I have pondered before – do we actually listen to what other people say?  I was taught years ago (I have forgotten the source) that most people, even in a one-on-one conversation, will be spending their time thinking about the next point, topic, or opinion they want to say without listening to the response, thought or opinion of the person talking to them.  I have been guilty of falling into this bad habit as well, usually in the heat of heavy, loud discussion, where I only want my point to be heard and to have my point of view to take precedent.    I have to literally take a step back, take a deep breath and remind myself that someone else is talking.  While I might want my opinion to be the take away, without listening to the people or persons that I am talking to, it is hard to communicate without hearing where their minds are at; Especially if they are making good points, or if they are the ones who are correct.

The ancient question is “Why do we have two ears and one mouth?”  Epictetus, a Greek philosopher who lived around 100 A.D., answered the question, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”  Conversations, discussions, meetings, etc., all involve more than the self.  If so, Epictetus observation still holds true.  Sometimes, we have to fight our urges to be heard and listen, pay attention and respond accordingly…no matter what levels we live in, strata of society we move through or political leanings. 

A High Holy Day Like No Other

 

Every year, we gather to bring in the Jewish New Year, where part of the liturgy talks about opening up the “Book of Life” on Rosh Hashana, atoning for one’s sins on Yom Kippur, and being inscribed in the Book of Life for another year.  We gather together in prayer, eat heartily together, fast together and chow down on bagels, lox, whitefish, etc., to close out this period in the calendar.  This year, the play book was placed in storage, a scramble occurred on what to do and new methods needed to be introduced.

Now, I would not claim to be a very religious person.  However, this is the one time of the year where, during the High Holy Days, I refrain from watching television, writing, using the phone and turning on my computer.  These are supposed to be days of reflection and, as the holiest days on the Jewish calendar, should not be taken lightly.  I have previously written about how little I go out, conducting work and synagogue business from my office in the basement.  We provided limited attendance at our services this year, staying well below the CDC and state guidelines.  Truth is, we did not have a rush for tickets to be in-person at services.  This year, we broke the mold – we provided a livestream through a professional company.

Being involved in the process and volunteering to help monitor, this meant that I needed my computer on, which I attached to my television, to watch the services.  My phone was on so that I could text with a select group helping out and communicate with the production company.  The only thing that I did not do was write.  Instead of being a congregant at the services, I was part of the team bringing this new approach to life.  I joked that if one year ago I had said to the congregation, “Next year, we are binging this to via livestream,” they all would have laughed at me.  How much difference a year can make.

Based on the current numbers, there is the potential that we will be dealing with this pandemic for a while.  There is no way to tell what that will mean, but it is here for the meantime.  We all hope that by this time next year, we can reminisce about the challenges of 2020.  One thing is certain, what we learn today will be the lessons we will have to go forward with.

Just the Facts

When I was growing up, I remember watching reruns of the TV show Dragnet starring Jack Webb as the straight-laced Police Officer Joe Friday.  Each episode the dour faced officer would solve crimes while collecting the facts.  In an era of fake news, I think that sometimes we forget the power of presenting the facts and having the truth presented to sway people, thought and outcomes.  I remember on my first consulting gig, nearly 23 years ago, the project manager turned to me before a presentation to the client management team and said, “You will give the presentation.”  I immediately froze, I had never given a public speech before and certainly never presented to anyone in management (high level decision makers).  The client was a large, global company, where our involvement was related to the US music manufacturing and distribution business.  The advice that he gave was, “Just tell the story by presenting the facts of what we are doing.”

My grandfather was known as Straight-as-an-Arrow on the golf course.  But that would also represent his attitude, as he also was a HUGE believer in always telling the truth.  Anyone that is in a successful marriage understands the value of honesty and how that helps to retain the trust between both parties.  This is a valid item in any relationship.  To be fully honest, I may have told a few lies in my life, which in every case gets found out and the only way to maintain a lie is to continue to lie.  Also, Debbie has learned that if I even think that I might pull a fast one (more like bending the truth), she can see it written all over my face.

Years ago, I was interviewing for a consulting job where I would be handling the project management and be a team member.  During the questioning, I answered one of the questions with, “I do not know that area of the software, but would be willing to spend my own time learning it for you.”  After the interview was over, the director giving the interview told the person placing me that he was choosing me for the job.  Was it my knowledge of the system?  Was it my charming good looks?  No – he was impressed with my honesty.  Even in my accounting days, if I did not know the answer, I would not make up something close, it was always, I do not know, let me check…which is an answer I still use if I am unsure. 

Same was true when presenting at Toastmaster meetings.  Same is true when presenting an issue to my Board of Trustees.  Same is true working in teams.  Same is true when teaching a class.  As a Project Manager, as a Consultant, as a Teacher, as a Presenter, our authority on the subject / topic is only as good as the faith and trust placed on us in by our audience, team, or peers.  Being honest is an important value for anyone in a leadership position, or for anyone striving to get to a leadership position.  So, as a newbie consultant, that day 23 years ago, I gave my first ever presentation to upper management.  I followed the advice and told the truth (good points and a few not so good points).  By sticking to the truth, I knew the material very well and was able to answer the follow up questions.  That one day, that one lesson has continued to serve me well.

We Call Upon Our President

This upcoming week, I am giving my first speech as the president of my synagogue.  Traditionally, the president speaks to the congregation on Kol Nidre, the night when Yom Kippur starts; this is generally a State of the Union type address.  I began thinking and writing ideas about this for weeks.  While I have spoken before, it has never been in this “official” capacity. 

Timing is everything…As the timing would have it, a friend this past week asked me about Toastmasters, what I learned and the benefits.  I am a big fan of this program, even though I have not attended in many months, but keep my membership active.  The questions were simple, “Has it been effective…in becoming a better overall speaker,” and “Would I recommend it?”  My answers were, “Yes and yes.  It has been a big help in how to structure a talk and engage the audience.”  Many years ago, I had dreamt about having the opportunity to speak publicly.  Yes, having been a consultant, speaking in front of people, giving what is known as a persuasion speech was part of the job.  However, with proper guidance and feedback (as with any type of education and mentoring), one can better hone their skills, receive guidance and focus, and advance his or her capabilities.

As I am finishing up preparing my speech, I keep in mind what I have learned:  introducing too many points (some speakers add too many points, have limited support), use an example or story as that helps to visualize, use vocal variety (monotone does not engage) and engage the audience.  While this is a lot to remember, practicing is key.  Yes, you can wing an off-the-cuff speech (i.e., back pocket speech).  However, a formal oration has to be tight with points well-made and not too long.  I am used to practicing 5 to 7 minute or 10 to 12 minute speeches.  That should be more than enough time to convey the points.

When the cue comes, “We now call upon our President…” I just have to remember to take a deep breath, step up to the lectern and enjoy the experience.

The Art of Public Speaking

I make no bones about it – I like to speak in front of an audience.  In a group, however, I am generally quiet…unless I am feeling very comfortable.  I know many people, that one-on-one, or in a small group, have no problems speaking, being open and honest and providing opinions.  Stand them in the front of the room (even behind the protection of a lectern) and everything falls apart.  I get it, I understand it and recognize that most people would rather undergo something painful against their bodies in lieu of speaking to an audience.  The ability to stand in front of a crowd, while seemingly natural to some people, is for most a learned skill.

I am a member of Toastmasters, which helps people to feel comfortable to speak in front of other people and provide leadership training.  Needless to say, I am a big fan and even though I enjoyed being on the stage prior to joining, the skills that I have learned and practiced over the past few years have enhanced my oration abilities.  On the way to earning an advanced speaker status, I had to give a 40 minute seminar.  As part of the seminar, I led the group in ways to improve their speaking experience in two ways, how we use our bodies and how we use our voices.  When we talk to our friends, most people will gesture.  If we are talking to someone (especially on the phone), based on their vocal usage, we can tell what they are feeling.  Too many times, I have watched speaker grasp the lectern with two hands and proceed to speak in a monotone voice, making them look uncomfortable and unpleasant to listen to.  Yes, there is a bit of theatrics that goes with public speaking!  Remember, the goal is get across some message (your reason for speaking), stay on point of the topic (i.e., 2 or 3 points supporting one thought), keep your audience’s attention and /or provide some measure of entertainment, so that afterwards they remember the message.

I need to spend a few lines on keeping on topic.  When we read a story, there is a basic format of beginning, middle and end.  When I first worked as a consultant, some 20+ years ago, my project manager, Charlie, made me present to the client and gave me the simple advice, go out and tell them our story.  I am not a natural storyteller, but the advice has stuck with me, so that when I present, there is always a beginning, middle and end (purpose, options / supporting info, conclusion).  Public speaking is no different.  If you want your audience to follow your message and have a chance of remembering your words, have an easy to follow beginning, middle and end.  Too many times, I feel that people speak just to hear themselves speak (yes, this happens at meetings too).  Unfortunately, even people that speak publicly are not always self aware of what they say, the message, nor how to “craft” a speech, or realize that sometimes a good message can be delivered in 7 to 10 minutes.

I recently had the opportunity to watch two people speak – one a novice and one seasoned at speaking to an audience.  Both of them had a beginning, middle and end, both asked for an action to occur and both did a great job.  One of the speakers asked if I could tell that they were nervous.  I responded that you looked up, engaged your audience and spoke slow and clear, and, you looked calm and comfortable.  Unless you are sweating profusely, have a weird waver in your voice or use some unusual gesturing, your audience will not know you are nervous.  I have a small confession – the truth is that I am always a little nervous before I speak, but I turn my nervousness into the energy I use to help deliver the message.