It Could Have Been My Congregation

It could have been my congregation, your congregation or any other place where people meet innocently and peacefully.  Unfortunately, we fall into following the age-old mentality that when things are quiet, you tend to let your guard down…

The event of last Saturday in Pittsburgh is not only a Jewish thing.   Yes, anti-Semitism has been around seemingly forever.  Our Purim story is about a man of hate, Haman.  It is unfortunate to say, but each generation has its own Haman.  Hate, however, knows no boundaries.  It is always easier to blame someone else, rather than to own up to the wrongdoing; the most extreme is to eradicate those we despise.  This time, it was innocent Jews who were murdered; Who knows where the next act of hatred will occur?

While in Dublin last week for work, I had the opportunity to take a tour in Belfast called the Black Taxi Tour, run by Taxi Trax.  The driver was someone who was impacted by the violence in Northern Ireland, which they refer to as The Troubles.  Short history - in 1922, when Ireland became an independent Republic, part of the separation deal with England was to have the northern six counties stay part of the U.K.  The Irish there, though on the body of land called Ireland, were separate and English citizens, and treated as second-class citizens, like other downtrodden people throughout time.  The one point the driver made - it was always tit-for-tat.  You kill one of ours, now one of yours dies, whereby innocent were murdered.  In that mindset of revenge, it is easy to see how killing can escalate.

I bring this up, only to point out that an eye for eye mentality does not resolve the issue.  And not to delve into political rhetoric, but people who want to harm, people who want to destroy lives, will always find a way to do so.  Education is key.  If you teach violence as a solution, violence then becomes a valid approach to getting what one thinks they want.  If you provide an indoctrination into hatred and violence as part of the Education, those once innocent minds may never learn a better way.  Teaching tolerance, appreciation for others and the rights of individuals is important, especially in a country where most of our ancestors came for those freedoms not allowed from their countries of birth.

What can we do?  We can stand together, to show that an attack on innocent people will not divide us, but unite us.  We can teach that hate is not OK.  And, we must stand ready and not let down our guard.  Our synagogue has had an armed security guard since a thwarted fire bomb attack in 2012.  Sometimes, we wonder if we still need this deterrent.  After the events on October 27th in Pittsburgh, we now wonder if our security measures are enough.  May we remember the 11 people who had their lives taken from them and the others who have lost their lives in similar fashion. 

It could have been my congregation…

The Best Way to Enjoy the Holidays – As a Family

As the opening strains of “There’s No Seder Like Our Seder” begin, I look around the room at the family and friends that have gathered to celebrate this first night of Passover.  Both daughters came home from college for the Seders, a holiday / event that they both look forward to each year.  Do we do a traditional Seder – Yes and No.  The underlying text we use – Yes.  The method of delivery – No.  The Seder has the potential for being a stuffy affair, but not in the Zeiler household!  I learned early on that the more fun we have, the more everyone stays involved.  In the back of my mind, I still have pictured Uncle Hy, at my Mother’s parent’s house, sitting at the foot of the table, head back and snoring.  

How many time do we go to some event and it is exactly the same way it was the previously.  Yes, there is some comfort in repetition and know every step by heart.  As I get older, in a world where each day has its own challenges, there is a warm feeling of doing something by rote as a means of comfort.  That would relate to me, but what about the other people in the room?  Can I really say, “If it was good for my grandfather…”?  When the girls were little, Debbie and I started to host the Seders, but we wanted it to be accessible to our children, including them and be fun at the same time.   The Seder had to be fun for the adults as well.  We started to look for things to enhance the experience, which included song sheet, which eventually became a part of our homemade Haggadah.  Then came props, some I use, some others use.

Gab’s freshman year, we did not know if she would come home.  She came home.  This year, both Gab and Bec were not 100% sure they were coming home – they were here.  When asked what they like about coming home for the Seders?  They answered that they enjoy the company, being with family, and our own tradition.  Everyone is involved in some way or other.  This year, Bec did all of the baking.  With some new kids at our Seder, the girls included them and helped created activities for them.  We are proud that our children realize the importance of keeping everyone engaged.

Sometimes, we go through the motions of ceremonies that have been handed down, as a way to connect with our past or share our culture backgrounds with our children.  Sometimes, we need to inject a little something to make it relevant, to make it fresh and to make it exciting.  How do you make your family traditions exciting?

Meaningful Rituals

Early in my life, in fact very, I went through the ritual Brit Milah, the Jewish ceremony of circumcision.  I know there have been the outcry of many groups about the mutilation, etc., blah blah blah.  In religious terms, this signifies the covenant made between G-d and Abraham.  At eight days old, I have no recollection of the event; feel no after effects and all functions as it was intended to.  We are not the only group that goes through this ritual, there have been tribes throughout time and around the world that have this ritual, done at different points in the male life, with different meanings, and tied to different cultural stories.  Why do I open with this ritual?  As it ends up, most people know about ritual.  If I were to talk about the ritual of washing one’s feet before entering a building, you might not be able to relate.  Most importantly, the ritual is tied to a story we learn, has a meaning behind it and reminds us of who we are.

Aside from the circumcision, there are some rituals along the way of life.  In 2017, I have begun to wonder if out of the rituals that are still practiced, do they have relevance to us, do they have meaning to my children, and what purpose do they fulfill.  I understand that 2300+ years ago, a nomadic people develop the stories that helped to describe their lives and practices.  The rituals pertained to those people at the time.  In Judaism, the Torah provided the laws and base rituals.  After the Diaspora, when the Jews became dispersed into the world, the “close knit” people could no longer rely on the leadership of the country / religion. A group of people got together to, for lack of a better word, design how the religion would carry on.  New rituals, practices and understandings were added.  For the next 1800 years, this worked as designed.  In the last 150 years, the development of technology, the change in homogenization of people, and the accessibility to information and things have drastically changed the environment we live in. 

My grandfather told the story that his father came to the United States to earn the money to bring his family over.  When it was time to leave their little village of Skalat, they said goodbye to everyone they knew because of the hardship and length of travel, they expected to never again see the family and friends they were leaving behind.  Today, you hop on a plane and in six or seven hours you can cross the Atlantic.

I remember my first PC, which I bought shortly after I started working in 1985.  You had to start the 286 computer with a disc, there was 36K of memory available, Windows did not exist, and I had no dial-up ability (no internet yet).  The advances in hardware were battling the advances in software, where technology fought to improve to handle the newer programs being written in some weird game of leapfrog.  If I were to pull out the old DOS-based system, I would not be able to run the applications I rely on, communicate with the world, or…there is not or!  I would have a large paperweight taking up space.  Change was required to keep up with the environment.  Some of our rituals have gone the way of the 286 – they had a place in time, they served their original purpose, and, are not known by our children unless they are reading history books on the subject. 

I am now left with the question - How can we update our rituals to make them relevant and meaningful to the next generation? 

Getting Soft in My Old Age

"Your father has only cried twice," said my beautiful wife.

"I Lava You was one of them, and I was there," Bec said with a big grin.

Great, my family has begun to highlight my "weaker" moments, all to their amusement.  I am human, not Vulcan, and sometimes I am allowed to show emotions. 

"Dad's becoming emotional in his old age," starts to be chanted.

Flash back to the night before:

One day, I was at evening services, when one of our older members walked in.  He had been sick and we have not seen him in a while.  It was clear that it was an effort for him to be there, as his wife and son accompanied him.   We were all happy to see him, and it ends up that it was the anniversary of his father’s death and he was there to say the Mourner’s Prayer. 

In the Jewish religion, when someone dies, there is a prescribed mourning cycle.  The first seven days after the funeral, called Shiva, are where the mourning stays home, sits on a low chair and accepts visitors.  This is followed by the first month (30 days inclusive of Shiva), called Shloshim, where one moves out back into society, but continues the daily Mourner’s Prayer.  And when a parent dies, the Mourner’s Prayer is said throughout the year.  As a community, we recalled our loved ones four times a year during specific holidays (Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, Passover and Shavuot), and, individually, on the anniversary of the death (based on the Hebrew calendar).  I go, for example, each year on the anniversary of my mother’s death. 

Going on the anniversary, for some, is a very strong feeling.  My grandfather died at 89.  Shortly before he died was the anniversary of his father’s death and he was too sick to go to the Jewish Center to say the Mourner’s Prayer.  He was sad as this was the first time he missed going since his father died about 70 years beforehand. 

Towards the end of the service, someone came up to greet the older member.  The older man looked up at his greeter and asked, “Will you be here tomorrow morning?”

“Yes,” was the immediate response.

“Can you please say the Kaddish (Mourner’s Prayer) for me for my father?” 

I felt that question in my heart and held back the tears that were about to spring forth.  “Of course I will,” was the gentleman’s response. 

When it came time for the Mourner’s Prayer, I had a hard time keeping it together, for as difficult as coming to services was; this man still felt the obligation to honor his father.

As I get older, I do find that things affect me more than when I was younger, so Bec's words have truth in it.  Am I getting older or just more empathetic with age and experience?

Maybe it is because I just lost my aunt.  Maybe it was the thoughts of my grandfather.  Maybe it was seeing another person in my life that I watch get older, and they have the ability to do less than when they were younger.  Maybe Bec was right…maybe I am getting emotional in my old age.