I Still Like Having a Birthday

A friend recently joked, “My next birthday I can move into an adult community…”  I laughed, because in my mind an adult community is where my dad lives in Florida.  Then I stopped laughing.  The person I was talking to is all of one week older than I am.  You know the communities that he was talking about…they go by such names as “55 and older” or “active retirement.”  Hold on – I am not one of them!  I am not thinking about retirement; I am not thinking about an “older” community, I am not that old!  Or, am I? 

Let me see…it might be time to take stock of some facts:

• My kids are still kids – no, they are young adults
• I have many more years of work – truth is, using the 32 years since I graduated college, means if this is the midpoint, I will be working until 87 (if so, hoping not out of necessity).
• My years in the workforce are greater than the age of some of the people they hire at work.
• I still have a lot of energy – yeah, one thing going for me
• I still live an active (non-retirement) lifestyle

OK - I have to face the truth that this week I turn 55!  While I am thinking these thoughts, another friend recently commented on how he is beginning a plan to move towards retirement.  I cannot even imagine a time where I no longer get up and go to work.  For me, thinking about retirement would mean not only planning financially (i.e., some type of residual income), but also what I would do to fill my days.  I am neither the person who is fascinated with sitting on a front porch watching the grass grow nor that person sitting in front of the TV.  Fact is, there once was a day when retirement age was 65 (only 10 years away), or 62 for “early” retirement.  I might not think like a millennial, but I still have things to accomplish, goals to achieve, places to visit, adventures to experience and learning to do.

I am, however, at the point where deep down, it would be nice to one day reach the point when money is no object, I can travel when I want, volunteer when and where I want, be an inspiration to my descendants, help others and continue to live a meaningful life.  In truth, as I get older, I still want to make that childhood desire to live to be 100.  Over the last couple of years, I have changed some aspects of my life to be healthier, which should give me more time on this planet. 

So then, what will I do for my birthday / what is my goal for the upcoming year?  My goal, on this birthday, is to learn a new instrument, which I just purchased – the banjo (see picture).  This is an instrument I have always been curious about (the other instrument is the harp, but too big) and decided after being in Nashville that is it was time to give it a go.  While I can play a little bit on the guitar and read music, this 5-string instrument is not played like a guitar and has its own way of music writing method.  It will be fun posting updates (and easier on the eyes than my fitness updates were) during the next year.  Maybe, just maybe, instead of shocking your eyes, I can thrill your ears!

The Last Undergrad Parents’ Weekend

“Can you come for Parents’ Weekend?” we heard Bec ask on a recent phone call. 

“I thought that you didn’t want us to come up this year,” I responded.

“Of course I do!”

While one of the rare times I was flicking through the television channels, I stopped and saw someone comment to his child (as best as I can remember it), “My life up to this point has been to keep you safe.  I have to remember that now that you are grown up, that particular job has ended.”  That sentiment captured how I felt about Bec’s Parents’ Weekend, and the same approach with Gab.  I no longer assume that they wanted us to visit, even though we always have GREAT times together.  So, of course, we were going…changing the plans we had to spend valuable time together as a family is a priority for us.

Debbie and I seem to be at a point in life where we are constantly busy.  I feel that, at times, I am trying to maximize the things that I am involved with, have little down time and work on planning ahead (i.e., fill our calendars in advance).  I remember a time in life where we could think of something we wanted to do, then go and do it.  Now, it is not unusual to have weekends scheduled 4 to 6 weeks in advance – it is crazy!  Nevertheless, when the girls want to get together, it is amazing how quickly that calendar frees up!

This Parents’ Weekend we did something for the first time – Debbie and I slept at Bec’s place.  It was exciting; Debbie got anew queen-sized blow up mattress for the event.  I got home from work (love those days when the commute is greater than 2 hours!  That is a topic for a different day), packed up, loaded the dogs into the car (yes, they got to go too) and off we went.  This was truly a family weekend.  Being the fall season, Bec scouted out a single activity for us – a local corn maze.  We love going to corn mazes, getting lost, and then finding our way out.  More times than not, we have been “ushered out” somewhere near closing time.  This year, the maze chosen was eight square acres, with high, thick corn growth.  We knew we were going to have a hard time.  As we set out, we realized that we had a secret weapon – two corn maze-sniffing dogs!  Who’d a thought?!?  Lucy Lou led the first leg and Sadie the second.  We whooped it up and did much celebrating once the dogs got us through safe and sound.  And the celebration continued as Bec pointed out that this was Lucy Lou’s birthday weekend (and 7 years as a Zeiler).

Come late Sunday, it was time to leave.  Yes, we left later than we should have; yes, we had a longer than needed goodbye; yes, it was almost midnight when I got to bed.  Would I do it all over again? YES!  Yeah for Parents’ Weekend, even if we did not participate in any school event.  We have been fortunate to spend time as a family – yet, now is the long stretch until we are all together again…the end of November, when I we can be thankful for our family coming back together.

On 26 Years of Marriage

Someone once asked, “What is the secret to a successful marriage?”  I do not remember if I answered immediately or not; but I am sure I realized that it is not one secret action to make it so.  I have known Debbie for 28+ years and at the end of the week, we will be married 26 years.  At this point, it is hard to recall a time in my adult life without her.  Yes, occasionally something will come up in conversation from the gap between college and meeting Debbie, but not often.  I am quite OK with my entire adult life being fully intertwined with Debbie.

As my anniversary approaches, it is a good time to reflect upon our lives together and, in a way, answer the question I was asked.  For me, I find that our successful includes, but is not limited to:

• Being able to have shared experiences
• Best travel partner
• Raising children together
• Supporting each other in bad times
• Supporting each other in good times
• Working together when faced with difficult decisions
• Realizing that sometimes the sum of the parts is better / stronger than the individual parts
• We are a team that works together
• Love helps a lot, but is not the only thing
• Spending time with my best friend
• We are always there for each other
• Having a shoulder to cry on, when needed
• Realizing that we are different
• Being able to share with each other, no matter how trivial it might be
• Getting instant feedback
• Knowing that sometimes we can do things separately
• Appreciating each other’s activities
• Creating memories together
• Knowing that when we come home, we have each other and we are not alone
• Looking forward to many more happy years ahead

Is marriage easy?  Like anything else, as the old adage goes, you get out what you put in.  Whenever you have someone else involved, you have to be considerate of them, include them in your activities and help support them.  That does take work and effort…at times.  After 26 fantastic years together, these types of things have become part of what we do; and it is not always fun and games.  When rough patches hit, we face them and we do that together.  As Debbie has said to me, “we are a team,” and I, personally, could not have asked for a better teammate!

The Art of Public Speaking

I make no bones about it – I like to speak in front of an audience.  In a group, however, I am generally quiet…unless I am feeling very comfortable.  I know many people, that one-on-one, or in a small group, have no problems speaking, being open and honest and providing opinions.  Stand them in the front of the room (even behind the protection of a lectern) and everything falls apart.  I get it, I understand it and recognize that most people would rather undergo something painful against their bodies in lieu of speaking to an audience.  The ability to stand in front of a crowd, while seemingly natural to some people, is for most a learned skill.

I am a member of Toastmasters, which helps people to feel comfortable to speak in front of other people and provide leadership training.  Needless to say, I am a big fan and even though I enjoyed being on the stage prior to joining, the skills that I have learned and practiced over the past few years have enhanced my oration abilities.  On the way to earning an advanced speaker status, I had to give a 40 minute seminar.  As part of the seminar, I led the group in ways to improve their speaking experience in two ways, how we use our bodies and how we use our voices.  When we talk to our friends, most people will gesture.  If we are talking to someone (especially on the phone), based on their vocal usage, we can tell what they are feeling.  Too many times, I have watched speaker grasp the lectern with two hands and proceed to speak in a monotone voice, making them look uncomfortable and unpleasant to listen to.  Yes, there is a bit of theatrics that goes with public speaking!  Remember, the goal is get across some message (your reason for speaking), stay on point of the topic (i.e., 2 or 3 points supporting one thought), keep your audience’s attention and /or provide some measure of entertainment, so that afterwards they remember the message.

I need to spend a few lines on keeping on topic.  When we read a story, there is a basic format of beginning, middle and end.  When I first worked as a consultant, some 20+ years ago, my project manager, Charlie, made me present to the client and gave me the simple advice, go out and tell them our story.  I am not a natural storyteller, but the advice has stuck with me, so that when I present, there is always a beginning, middle and end (purpose, options / supporting info, conclusion).  Public speaking is no different.  If you want your audience to follow your message and have a chance of remembering your words, have an easy to follow beginning, middle and end.  Too many times, I feel that people speak just to hear themselves speak (yes, this happens at meetings too).  Unfortunately, even people that speak publicly are not always self aware of what they say, the message, nor how to “craft” a speech, or realize that sometimes a good message can be delivered in 7 to 10 minutes.

I recently had the opportunity to watch two people speak – one a novice and one seasoned at speaking to an audience.  Both of them had a beginning, middle and end, both asked for an action to occur and both did a great job.  One of the speakers asked if I could tell that they were nervous.  I responded that you looked up, engaged your audience and spoke slow and clear, and, you looked calm and comfortable.  Unless you are sweating profusely, have a weird waver in your voice or use some unusual gesturing, your audience will not know you are nervous.  I have a small confession – the truth is that I am always a little nervous before I speak, but I turn my nervousness into the energy I use to help deliver the message. 

Love My Family!

I have always been close with my brothers.  We are close with our father.  We grew up close and I believe that this has had a major impact on how I am as a husband and father - I am close with my wife and close with my children.  My children are close with each other.  We are always there to help and support each other.  As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel in Dublin where I traveled for work.  It is a great feeling knowing that when I return, I will be happy to be back with Debbie (my partner in life), and look forward to seeing the girls as they are both home this (past) weekend.

October is a month for us to celebrate closeness and our love for each other.  As it ends up, October is a special month – this ends up being the month, where not only I got married, but the month in which the four living Zeiler men got married.  This is the month where we became betrothed to our loved ones and increased the Zeiler family.

I have found marriage, love and closeness a special intertwining thing, in that if you truly love someone, you move from an “I” to a “We”, and you strive to become better than you were.  You see, I believe, that true love makes us stronger, gives us the ability to face things we would otherwise avoid and teaches us to bind ourselves together into a unit.  I know of some that struggle with this and have been less than successful.  Love and marriage are not about self or for selfish gains: but what we collectively do for each other.  For example, if Almira Gulch (fictitious name), married only to have someone tend to her child, made their spouse sell off his assets and then tossed him out of her house and marriage - This would be a marriage for selfish gain, an inability to understand the bigger picture of what a couple and family mean and completely using another person.  Unfortunately, not all Almiras recognize this, becoming jealous of what others have and that is sad.

As I finish my ruminations for the week, I am sitting in the Dublin Airport, waiting for the boarding call (yes, I am sipping a final Guinness).  As always, when I travel sans family, I am looking forward to the return home, to being home with Debbie, to seeing my family and returning to those that I am close to.  I know I will see my whole family this weekend and look forward to the time spent together…as a family.